"Troubled Love" & The Art of Emotional Expression

I began my career as a greeting card writer.

When people discover this fun fact about me, they usually ask some version of the question, "Of all the cards you've written, which was your favorite?"

Although it was thirty years ago, it's easy to remember because the first card I penned was the first Hallmark published. I was only twenty years old when I wrote the "Troubled Love" sentiment for Between You & Me--that memorable line of tall, slim cards known for being heavy on words and even heavier on feeling. It was my favorite not just because it was a bestseller, but because it expresses the all-too-familiar pain of disconnection and the vulnerability required when someone is hoping to heal a divide.

My twenty-one years at Hallmark prepared me well for the work I do today. Everything we created there, from cards to gifts to stationery to ornaments, was grounded in love?and guided by optimism. When we’d once received letters suggesting we develop a line of breakup cards, we refused—not because we were blind or prudish, but because while we may have acknowledged disconnection when appropriate, we never celebrated it. What we did celebrate was the most fundamentally human parts of us—our feelings, our dreams, our motivations, our life stages, our accomplishments, our losses, and yes, our connections to ourselves and to each other. In other words, our relationships.

Relationships are central to everything that truly matters in this life: happiness, health, success. And yet, the care with which we handle them fluctuates dramatically from day to day. Stress, trauma, capacity constraints, biases, and fear are among the many factors that prevent us from enjoying more meaningful relationships, especially across differences.

Our clients at The Waymakers Change Group will tell you that we strive to make seemingly complicated things feel doable. In this newsletter, I bring you decades of emotional expression expertise to help you do what may be simple, but never easy: genuinely express yourself during times of interpersonal conflict.

The Situation

You and someone you care about or have to work with are disconnected.

The Goal

You want to understand and be understood. You want to have a more loving or supportive or productive relationship.

The Formula

Moving through disconnection requires three fundamental ingredients: acknowledgement (of the issues and their implications), clarity (on a preferred state and your desire to achieve it), and accountability (for your role in making things better).

A Script

Part 1: Acknowledgment

I know: Acknowledge the current state of the disconnection or relationship.

"I know we haven't been seeing eye to eye lately."

I feel: Express how the current state makes you feel.

"This creates a lot of tension and makes it difficult for me to collaborate freely."

Part 2: Clarity

I wish: Give voice to what you see as the ideal (or improved) connection or relationship state.

"I'd like to be able to come to you with my ideas and vice versa--to trust that we can genuinely listen to each other. I'd like to find a way forward."

Part 3: Accountability

I think: Share what you perceive has made it difficult for you to improve the situation.

"I think I've been holding back out of fear of rejection or judgment."

I will: Share what you're willing to do to make it better.

"I commit to being more transparent with you, and to asking for input instead of making assumptions."

Communicating with the intent to improve a relationship is different from communicating to get your point across. It is contextual, and rooted in an awareness that the connection itself opens the door to better outcomes, not the words themselves. It's not enough to "speak your mind" if what you really want is more trust, more care, and a mutual flow of ideas and information.

Remember: Familiarity breeds trust, Trust builds relationship. And relationship opens the door to opportunity. Talking won't get us there. But connecting just might. What steps can you take today to cultivate more meaningful connection in your personal or work life?

If you want to cultivate more meaningful connection at work so that everyone can contribute fully, freely, and fairly, connect with us at www.twchg.com. We'd love to help!

Together in Waymaking,

Tara Jaye Frank

& The Waymakers Change Group

Tara Jaye Frank is author of The Waymakers: Clearing the Path to Workplace Equity with Competence and Confidence and founder of The Waymakers Change Group, a human-centered management consulting firm that supports mid-sized and large companies who seek to transform their employee experience and build capacity to lead all people well.? Our proprietary approach, grounded in behavioral research and decades of inclusive leadership expertise, challenges and equips leaders to unleash the potential of all people, thereby promoting healthy workplace cultures and fueling sustainable businesses.