The Trouble with People Pleasing

Big inhale… I’m a People Pleaser…. Long sigh….

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No-one comes to me joyously labelling themselves as a people pleaser; although some do come with a more resigned, matter of fact and hurriedly spat out, “Well, I’m such a people pleaser so, anyway, I was saying…”,

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It’s never, “Yippee, I’m a people pleaser!?”

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It’s also usually a sidebar, a wee throw away comment and rarely the entire reason for coaching – yet, it often becomes something my client’s really do want to get to the bottom of. It’s usually getting in their way, sometimes more than they thought…

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Imagine not being a people pleaser…. Your imagination might go to a scary place of extreme arrogance, not-giving-a-$hit-brutal-honesty – highly unlikely. That’s one way to look at it, the more likely outcome is: Not doing things you don’t really want to do. Being able to say no and not feel like a wrecking ball will fly through your relationship. Being able to choose what you want to do, with whom and when, confidently, kindly and with your best interests in mind. Being able to handle someone else’s normal feelings of discomfort, anger, or disappointment. Being able to handle your feelings of discomfort, anger, or disappointment. Knowing what you want, what’s important to you and clearly and kindly sharing that with sovereignty. Having boundaries that serve you not bind you. Not shoulding yourself or being shoulded. Just imagine…

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People pleasing is quite a complicated phenomenon, much like imposter syndrome that gets all manner of thoughts, feeling, emotions, imaginings, stories, and beliefs scrunched up and stuffed into a box and labelled, PEOPLE PLEASER. Firstly, this noticing and identifying that you have a collection of behaviours that tend towards people pleasing is great, it’s good to know that this might be happening for you. Secondly, these feelings are normal, I imagine we all people please a little, even if only with certain people. It’s a continuum, some do it a little which is mildly annoying, some do it a lot and it’s a debilitating; some don’t do it at all and that’s quite rare (that’s a whole other kettle of fish).

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Noticing, having some knowing; great stuff!

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However, and this is a big part of what’s going on, it’s highly likely you’ve noticed behaviours, or someone’s pointed them out, you’ve read something and thought, “Yup, that’s me that is!”, and your brain has done its utmost to file it and not reflect on it (it’s painful for us to pick stuff apart and hold a mirror to our behaviour); you’ve labelled yourself or some other kind soul has labelled you (nice, thanks..). You might be ruminating on your people pleasing ways, berating yourself a bit, blaming others, and eventually looping right back to agreeing with yourself that your thoughts are all valid and still the same (this is the essence of rumination); if so, you’re not REFLECTING on it.

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Reflection is often the part that gets missed out. There are so many reasons for this. It’s hard, sometimes painful to see yourself and so we avoid that; our brains are really into protecting us from painful thoughts through distraction. We have popcorn brain from over stimulation, so our reflective brains get so little idle time to actually perform real reflection. We believe we have to, ‘should’ do, be, behave in a certain way; the powerful shouldistic stories we have. We love (although ironically don’t really love as it’s so unhelpful) to label and file everything. Here’s the problem with labelling ourselves:

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It actually feels like $hit’ inside; it eats your soul.

It can become a self-fulfilling prophesy, the trench you can’t get out of.

It becomes a defensive barrier to changing anything.

It insidiously becomes your identity.

It can become an excuse for ingrained behaviours.

It’s a blanket; all the time, every time, everywhere statement you believe and put out there.

You imagine you’re owning it.

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I use the word imagine here as I’m curious about whether being upfront about saying, “I’m a people pleaser”, is really owning it? Or whether reflecting, being compassionately curious and working through it bit by bit and beginning to create changes (as after all, you are not jumping for joy about being a people pleaser), is actually owning it? I think the latter.

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Nothing and no-one fit neatly into little boxes and labels. You are so much more beautifully complex than that.

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What is people pleasing:

It’s not a psychological condition. It can co-exist with psychological conditions of course, but it’s not one in its own right. It’s deeply complex, highly individual and can have serious repercussions on own well-being; mental health, relationships, and connection to ourselves and others. Mainly, it’s exhausting, highly annoying and your quite sick of yourself about it; stuck in loops of doing it, not wanting to do it, doing it, why am I doing it, doing it. I’d like you to know it’s so, so, common, your feelings are normal, and it’s a very common discussion topic and trait – you are not alone! That’s not a reason to stay in people pleasing though; there is much better company out there…

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Clients come to me quite exhausted by it; often literally drained of energy. People pleasing, as you will know, is the tendency to prioritize the needs, desires, and opinions of others over one's own, often at the expense of one's own well-being or authenticity. People-pleasers may go to great lengths to seek approval, avoid conflict, or gain validation from others, even if it means sacrificing their own values, needs, or boundaries. It’s not just as simple as not wanting to or not feeling able to say no, it’s connected to avoiding discomfort, self-esteem, self-worth and perhaps, I notice, an underlying lack of being fully aware of what you want to say yes and no to.?

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You might beat yourself up for not being able to say no; this is quite a blanket and unhelpful stick to beat yourself with – put the stick down! You can say no, you likely say no more often that you think, it may be your people pleasing is tied to certain individuals, groups, situations or moments and patterns in time.

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I notice there is a lot of self-blame around it; like, ‘there’s something wrong with me’, (there is nothing wrong with you, you are not broken), and sometimes almost a resignation to being trapped in its net. It’s a very powerful label thrown at you by others or yourself - and it’s not positive, even if other people being happy is a source of your joy.

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Here’s why: ITS AT THE DETRIMENT OF YOU - on so many levels. Try as you might to blank this out; there is a part of you that KNOWS this is not healthy and isn’t OK with it. This is incongruence and incongruence is the part that eats your soul. Our brains work super hard to eliminate incongruence at almost any cost and it’s not always in service of your well-being (see justifying it, rationalizing, and stifling it). Stifling it is like holding a beach ball under the water, it’s gonna fire back up and hit you in the face as soon as you relax. (We’ve all had a beach ball in the face, right?).

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Your beach ball might be trying to contain:

Your feelings of anger, frustration, and resentment that you neglect yourself.

Your inner conflict of who you are and who you want to be.

Your negative self-talk: berating yourself for not asserting yourself and holding boundaries.

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It is utterly exhausting keeping the beach ball under the water and a smile on your face as you try incredibly hard to be all things to all people, put others first (that’s a virtue, right?), be a good person, kind and considerate and keep up with the increasing demands that others pile on you, and you continue to serve. This you’ll notice isn’t a smile on your face it’s a jaw clenching grimace, and that’s not joy in your eyes, it might more stingy, like tears…

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“I’m just driven by a desire and real pleasure in making others happy I guess!”. From what I notice in my coaching room, this is a superficial 8ullshit story used to rationalize what’s going on – our brains do like a rational story. I don’t say this to hurt you, though that might sting a bit (and of course you might be someone who does love other people to be happy; that’s such great quality, all I’m saying is, it’s often a cunning wee story - it’s often both a justifying story and the truth and that’s where it gets confuddled).

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What we uncover that’s really going on, is a deep discomfort, maybe even fear of other people’s normal feelings of disappointment, anger, and discomfort. A part of you (only a part of you) does not like other people’s discomfort one little bit and you want to avoid it. Often, we find that part of you doesn’t like your own anger, disappointment, or discomfort at all either; avoid it like the proverbial. This can drive a perfectionistic streak that works overtime at double pace to prevent others’ normal feelings and your own – often thinking twenty steps ahead avoiding catastrophe and getting caught in an angst loop of decision making paralysis. Abandoning and rejecting yourself in service of not being abandoned or rejected – wee bit profound – and it might resonate with you?

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It's also not really all about you, even though it’s an individual-led behavior. You might have learnt this in your family norms and expectations (accommodating, sacrificing, martyr-type role models as a kid), gender socialization (women in caregiver roles for example), and workplace power dynamics (gaining approval and validation) – these are all very real influences in your life and compound bit by bit over time.

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These can create feedback loops. You are praised, validated, just not punished or just left the F’ alone when you are agreeable, compliant, accommodating and serving, so you might develop people pleasing behaviours to gain, avoid or both simultaneously and this can create an expectation from others; thus, keeping you in a trench that you walk in and make deeper and deeper. It becomes harder to climb out of. And, other people might get quite a bit out of you pleasing them, subconsciously and consciously, they’re happy with you just as you are and will try to keep you there. This isn’t necessarily malicious, it’s often subconscious; what you’re doing is just working for them.

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It’s Interesting, right?

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Well, it becomes more interesting when we work together in a safe space that allows you to step outside of all of your milieu and ‘see’ yourself with kindness and curiosity; no judgement, just noticing and inquiring, softly and gently seeing and hearing yourself and how you experience it. The first step in sustainably diluting, eliminating people pleasing is finding someone to talk about it with and to pop the beach ball with, someone who’ll keep you afloat as you do this work.?

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I teach you how see what’s really going on without tearing yourself a new one. That literally does not good what-so-ever and you’re probably pretty good at doing that to yourself already. I teach you practices that are easy to grasp and work with, that you can adapt to suit your individuality (works for lots of other things too, not just people pleasing - bonus!). I don’t make you do anything you don’t want to do – this is all about you being kind to you and caring for yourself.

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I could list all of the way people pleasing eats your soul and you rationalize it. I imagine you know all of this already though and it’s uncomfortable enough…. I have a take on it that might be quite novel if you’re gritting your teeth and holding that beach ball under the water:

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How about ditching the label? How about popping the beach ball and letting all the stuff float to the surface, to bob along in the sea. You can peel your shoulders off your ears and just relax, float, let it all surface. I’ll get in the lovely water along-side you and I’ll bring my lilo to rest on; How about considering what it is that YOU want? Many of my clients when we really get to the nitty gritty don’t feel clear on what it is that they really want, like clear enough to articulate it, to express it and their values; what’s really important to them. If you don’t know what you want for yourself, what’s important to you – how could you know what to say no and yes to? How can boundaries even begin and end? You might not feel you have the confidence to share this, you might not feel you have the self-belief. You might not feel worthy enough to assert yourself; well, let me tell you, YOU ARE WORTH IT! A part of you, you like to hide knows you are worth it.? And, as you discover more of yourself you will FEEL this growing.

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See, whilst you’re owning your label (aka announcing it, [this isn’t owning it]), forcing that ball under the water, and taking on more – you are diminishing yourself and you are not listening to one word of that part of you that’s screaming; “FFS; what about me – when it is about me!?”.

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Ironically, it’s really ALL about you and the more space and attention you give yourself the better you will feel about letting it become about you. You’re not born a people pleaser you become a people pleaser and so the great news is you can unbecome a people pleaser - and you can do it without pissing everyone off and being shunned (OK, you might piss the odd person off for a wee bit, and sometimes you just need to do that in service of yourself, we can handle this…).

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I have a take on people pleasing that goes deeper than the discomfort, it understands it’s sleekit ways and pops up with something more helpful like; let’s work out what you do want, what you don’t and what’s important to you. Let’s clear the BS stories away and take some action to tame it and build up your confidence, resilience, and belief. You’re not broken, please believe that you’re just a bit stuck. This is normal, so many of us haven’t figured out any of this values piece yet. And there are so many societal systemic norms around not asking for what you want and holding boundaries (another story, another post).?

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It can get to the stage with people pleasing where you don’t actually know if you are people pleasing or doing something you really ought to or want to do. When you become aware of it, it can become confusing, you can’t make a decision as you don’t know if you’re pleasing them or you – you can get bit thrown around by the waves trying not to go under and it can consume your thoughts.

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So, when I work with you, we will delayer all the stories you tell yourself – you can tell me them all (I have my own you know, yours do not phase me – no judgements here!); let them disintegrate in the water and get down the meaningful business of discovering YOU:

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Your wants, needs, desires, strengths, weaknesses and seeing how they show up.

Your imaginings, stories, beliefs about yourself and your important people you aim to please and how they shape your people pleasing tendencies.

Your values and principles; what really matters to you and what needs to matter more.

Your honest expression of you; thoughts, feelings, cares and how you want to show up.

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We’ll take all of this and give it presence and sovereignty and head back to the beach with some ideas on new boundaries and behaviours that you can practice, tweak, adopt, shape, and play with in your way, at your pace; we’ll keep doing this and keep reflecting together. I will teach you how to reflect and stay out of rumination. Along the way you’ll gather tools, practices, and frameworks that you can use long after we close our coaching sessions; you’ll be able to practice on your own (not perfecting though, we’re ditching the perfection remember). That’s my job; to help you to help yourself. You come in, we do the work, you stride off back up the beach…

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Why can’t I do it on my own?

If it’s that simple, why can’t I do it on my own? My first response is, well if were easy you could just do it and it’d be done – you wouldn’t be reading this. Secondly, it’s not actually easy, there is real work behind this, in creating change in your behaviour and of course there’s real reward. The reward is not doing things you don’t really want to do. Being able to say no and not feel like a wrecking ball will fly through your relationship. Being able to choose what you want to do, with whom and when confidently, kindly and with your best interests in mind. Being able to handle someone else’s normal feelings of discomfort, anger, or disappointment. Being able to handle your feelings of discomfort, anger, or disappointment. Knowing what you want, what’s important and clearly and kindly share that with sovereignty. And my favourite part, stop being shoulded and shoulding yourself – this, I can tell you feels quite amazing.

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It’s not easy being a human in the world today, there’s a lot of pressure all around us – and there’s some kind of shame around being someone who needs help and asks for help - another 8ullshit story we believe…? We all need some help from time to time – particularly with stuff as pervasive and insidious as people pleasing that gets right under our skin and settles in – often becoming worse over time. The people who reach out for help, do the work, are the ones who move through stuff and learn how to let $hit go…

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The beauty is you can overcome it. I’m living proof; I was a consummate people pleasing chameleon exhausted with resentment and incongruence; it contributed to my burn out and I learnt that hardest way. If you were to ask people who know me now, is Gill a people pleaser? They’d do that screwed-up-mouth-head tilt-hell-no face. That part of me rarely shows its wee face these days, it’s still in here, it’s just not invited out any more and it knows better than to make an uninvited appearance…

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You know where I am when you’re ready to pop that beach ball.

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