The Trouble With Being The Nice Boss & The Good Employee

I once had a boss who was not nice, but wanted so hard to be thought of as nice you could actually see her effort. It was disconcerting and no one trusted her. I had another who was so nice she was almost completely ineffective and her team relied on other bosses to get things done. The bosses I really trusted, the ones I felt truly cared about me were kind people but they were also real. They got mad, fought for what they believed in, and gave tough feedback when it was called for.

The trouble with being The Nice Boss or The Good Employee is that, while their intentions might appear wholesome on the surface, their impact can be anything but. If “nice” is the only value someone leads by, they can inadvertently create more work, more stress, and less openness leading to serious problems. When nice bosses and good employees go bad, they show up with traits that can quickly alienate their team and colleagues.

TOXIC POSITIVITY

If niceness is the priority, negativity takes a back seat, often in the form of toxic positivity, or the belief that no matter how bad things may be, a positive mindset is the only way. Dismissing negative emotions dismisses a crucial part of the human experience, and may prevent taking actions that could lead to a solution. At its worst, it’s a form of gaslighting others into denying their true feelings and experiences. But it can also be overwhelming, annoying, and offensive, leading either to inaction or the pursuit of unrealistic expectations.

Toxic positivity often shows up in the form of thought-terminating cliches that sound like folksy wisdom but are actually intended to stop an argument or deeper investigation like “everything happens for a reason,” “it will all work out,” and the often-triggering, “relax.”

SAVIOR COMPLEX

Nice people also tend to see themselves as problem solvers, always available to chime in or pick up the slack — even when no one asked them to. Enter, the savior complex. While this might seem altruistic on the surface, and be justified that way by those doing it, beneath the surface can lie feelings of self-satisfaction and even superiority. The need to fix other people’s problems can show up as “just trying to be nice” in a myriad of ways in the workplace:

• The manager who chooses your development plans for you; creates your career path without your input, and forces you into learning opportunities you don’t want
• Leaders and colleagues who micromanage other people’s work under the guise of helping them “look good”
• Teammates who are constantly distracted trying to fix issues outside their scope of responsibility to help other leaders, teams, or the company despite not being asked to do so
• A boss who believes everyone can learn the “right” way to the point of not letting bad apples go resulting in constant dysfunction

COMMITMENT ISSUES

Prioritizing niceness tends to go hand in hand with not wanting to offend anyone. When you’re at work, where decisions need to be made that not everyone will like, good employees quickly become ones with commitment issues. Rather than making command decisions, they run everything by everyone or hold endless collaboration conversations. Or, they say yes to so many ideas the work becomes scattered and overwhelming. Either way, very little valuable work gets done.

BURNOUT

Constantly denying bad feelings, saving everyone, and rarely making real progress is a perfect recipe for burnout. Like the need to be The Nice Boss or the Good Employee burnout is an individual issue with a systemic cause. We don’t do it to ourselves. These problems are the result of how people respond to systems that weren’t created with universal well-being in mind. To address them, we have to both look within and create personal change while also growing awareness of how we’ve been influenced by factors that are outside of our control.

STAYING KIND WHILE GETTING REAL

Compassion is often an undervalued trait in the corporate world, so Nice Bosses and Good Employees should never be discouraged from tapping into that emotion. Kindness is always a good starting point for career values, but truly supporting, connecting, and leading — without burning out — is more complex than simply trying to be nice. It takes an array of emotional intelligence.

For compassion to turn into effective leadership and collaboration, it should be partnered with self- and situational awareness, empathy, curiosity, and goal orientation. And, perhaps most controversially — selfishness. If niceness is the starting point, adding in nuance, reality, and self-preservation won’t suddenly turn The Nice Boss evil. Instead, it’s more likely to increase relatability, trust, and a stronger sense of authentic connection that inspires others to bring their whole selves to work as well.

If you’ve experienced the deep frustration that comes with feeling like your efforts to be nice and good aren’t being appreciated or are even backfiring, it might be time to investigate.

• Consider how much effort you’re putting into making sure everyone likes you.
• Do you self-identify as a people pleaser?
• What’s the worst that could happen if you stood your ground or said, “No.”?

As a career coach focusing on emotional intelligence, I’ve found that these experiences can be easily intellectualized, but it takes real-world practice to change. The result is a stronger connection to your gut, a shift from toxic positivity to realistic optimism, way less guilt, an awakening to the harmful aspects of the systems we work within, and a true feeling of self-awareness and control.

Liza Dube is a former marketing and communications leader turned career and executive coach using the fundamentals of emotional intelligence to help compassionate leaders take control of their careers.