Triggers are Emotional Hijacks

I shared a little story of being triggered with my Leaders Inspired newsletter subscribers this week and I thought it would be useful to re-tell it as a way to introduce an excerpt from The Humanized Leader book.

I got triggered last week. A subscriber to this LinkedIn newsletter send not one, but two, adamant comments demanding that I not send him any more emails.

Who else was triggered this week? 'Tis the season....

First I got scared (more about this) and then I got defensive (well, you signed up for the thing - just unsubscribe). Then I felt shame (MP, you are being too pushy - more about this in a moment, too).

Triggers are tricky things. I felt scared because there is a little school girl inside of me with a voice that says, "You are going to get into trouble." That voice has mostly tamed as I age, yet it's still lurking. I talked myself down from this and moved on.

The second demanding comment sent me into defensiveness. "I've done nothing wrong, so why are you blaming me? Take responsibility for your own unsubscribe." OOH - I hate that voice. Antidote? Compassion for both the individual (who was obviously triggered) and for me as I moved into my heart to resolve the situation.

The shame of being too visible and too pushy is what lingers. I am hitting that head on with much more visibility now and into next year. It's a little scary, and I can put myself into my little safe place as fast as Sister Delores did in second grade.

Why am I sharing this with you? I am very visible lately as we launch The Humanized Leader Ignitor . My little triggered voice tells me I am annoying. But...a big BUT....I am so committed to creating a desire for The Humanized Leader way of being that I am willing to move through my trigger and into action. And that means being vocal and visible so that NONE OF YOU MISS the opportunity to grow and develop.

With all of that in mind, please indulge me as I re-share of a portion of my book, The Humanized Leader on the topic of Triggers.

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It’s the little moments that trigger some of our most outsized and unproductive responses.― Marshall Goldsmith, Triggers: Creating Behavior That Lasts

It is Human to be Triggered

It is inevitable, no matter how much structure and support we put into place, at some point we will be emotionally triggered.? It usually happens in the most unexpected ways and at the most inconvenient times and spaces.? But it happens.

An emotional trigger is any topic that makes us feel uncomfortable (or returns us to the feelings of an initial trauma). These emotional triggers can tell us which aspects of our life we might feel frustrated or unsatisfied with and where we hold shame. It can vary in each person because we are all struggling with something different.

The swiftness of a trigger can often leave us reeling and out of our leadership, propelling us into reactive behavior and feelings of woundedness.

You Have a Choice

We always have a choice when a stimuli presents itself. Something has happened, you saw something, you heard something – and you were unconsciously transported back in time to the first incidence of discomfort. You aren’t even aware that this is happening.? It’s as though your brain and your emotions are hijacked.? You experience a big, destabilizing emotion.

Good news! If you have been building your EQ muscles, you will recognize the emotion and remember that you have a choice in how you manage and ultimately express it.?

The trigger usually has a foreshadowing. How do you know you are about to experience an emotional trigger?? Much like a poker tell (which is the little tic or eye movement or sigh that sends a signal to the other players), you have a trigger tell.? Some people feel their pulse quicken.? Others feel their skin flush.? Some report head buzzing or chest pounding. Still others become short of breath or begin to sweat.? What’s common about these clues? That's right: they are all physical reactions to emotional stimuli.?

When you feel any of these physical clues, you can rest assured that you are about to step into an emotional trigger.

De-Escalate

A shrewd emotional leader will follow the EQ instructions and acknowledge the feeling, knowing it is likely to pass, and pause to employ a de-escalation strategy before deciding how to respond.?

What are some of your favorite de-escalation strategies?? Listed below are several suggestions by students of the Leadership Mastery? program over the course of several years:

1. Take three deep breaths.
2. Pause for 90 seconds while breathing.
3. Take a time out.
4. Physical activity – like walking or jumping jacks.
5. Admit that you are triggered and ask for a moment to collect your thoughts.
6. Table the discussion until tomorrow.
7. Ask yourself, “what am I really feeling here and why?” and then make a choice to let it go to the best of your ability.

Once the initial physical response has passed, you have a choice to make.? Do you want to hold onto and nurse the feelings that don’t serve you?? Or can you recognize the trigger, release the feelings and move on with your best leadership self?

Impact on Trust

What is the impact on team and team trust when the leader is triggered and the trigger is not managed?? Trust is eroded and people remember long after the triggered reaction.

The stakes are high, my friends. You need to give yourself an advantage by:

1. Practicing understanding the emotions you are feeling.
2. Practicing choosing productive behaviors from emotion identification.
3. Accepting the fact that you are going to be triggered from time to time.
4. Learning to recognize your own physical clues.
5. Employing a de-escalating strategy to move you back into leadership.

A habit that Stephen Covey shares in his seminal text, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, is to sharpen the saw, which means to practice and practice until you are able to do the activity without thought. He suggests that one of the best ways to do this is to teach what we have learned.

Always with an eye on the relationship, you teach people about triggers and help them find a great way to realize when they are triggered, as well as strategies to de-escalate.? If they have expressed their triggered emotion in a poor way, you will offer them feedback and coaching to improve.?

When you accept your own feelings and triggers and learn to manage them well, you become a beacon of hope for others who are still navigating these tricky waters.?

Read more about triggers and other ways to elevate your emotionally intelligent leadership in The Humanized Leader by Mary Pat Knight. It's available in all online book retail outlets and by audio book at online audio book outlets.