A Tribute to Mothers

I lost my own mother over twelve years ago. She was independent in her own way, but her sister, my aunt, I saw differently. My aunt was a devout Christian woman, wholly committed to her family. This weekend I visited her as she recently lost her second husband. What I learned about her surprised me, in the best possible way.

It turns out, my ever-faithful, God-fearing aunt, was far more in control of her life than I ever knew. I saw her as subservient and meek, but she wasn't. She was strong and introspective. Her story deserves to be shared.

My aunt married at the age of 16 in 1960. She wasn't pregnant, she was in love.

Her first child was born approximately a year into their marriage. Not too long after she became pregnant again... then she miscarried. My aunt just shared with me that she feared being turned into a baby-making machine and being trapped. It was at this point that she took her role as a woman and a mother into her own hands. She was 18.

Wisely, she took the time she needed to heal from her miscarriage, both mentally and physically. Perhaps my aunt knew intuitively that she needed to recuperate before trying again. To suffer a miscarriage on top of caring for a baby is a lot for any woman.

It was at this point she began to take the pill. My aunt did not ask for her husband's permission. In the early 1960's many doctors would've forbidden such action. In fact, doctors today are still telling women that they won't perform a hysterectomy on them without their husband's permission, even if they remain unmarried. Fortunately for my aunt, she was able to obtain the pill without her husband knowing.

Eventually, he realized something was amiss as she remained unpregnant despite a healthy sex life. Instead of chastising her regarding the matter, he simply stated he would like more children. My aunt assured her husband she did too. And they would have more children when she was ready. Fortunately, he understood and was patient.

After all, he had witnessed firsthand what it took to bring their firstborn into the world. He had seen the toll the miscarriage had taken. It was only right that his wife re-approach the option when she was prepared. Why should she endure unnecessary pain, particularly before she was ready?

Responsible Motherhood

There were 4 years between my aunt's first child and her second. Taking her time to recover from each pregnancy, including a miscarriage, allowed her to provide the best possible care to both children, as well as her husband.

Moreover, her ability to choose when surely afforded her the inclination to adopt their third child, born of an unwed 16-year-old relation. Had she been exhausted by unplanned pregnancies over the course of fifteen years, she would have been much less likely to adopt that third child, desperately in need of a loving home.

She was so determined to adopt her second son, that she didn't tell anyone other than her husband that she was doing so. My aunt didn't want anyone to talk her out of it. She wanted another child. The fact that she could forgo pregnancy and childbirth was merely a bonus.

When One is Unprepared for Motherhood

It's important to remember that in the 1800s and well into the 1900s orphanages were all too common. Known for the abuse of children, they were considered horrific situations, even when run by the church. Unwed mothers who couldn't afford to sustain themselves would have to sacrifice their children to these institutions rather than starve them to death. Sometimes both parents were so poverty-ridden they would make the decision together. It was a grueling experience for all, that often left family members distraught and in grief.

The financial responsibility for rearing those children fell on taxpayers, as well as churchgoers. If we continue down this path of refusing a woman's right to choose, we will see the re-emergence of such facilities in our lifetimes. Furthermore, the emotional impact of these families being torn apart will impact us all.

Children need to be held. They deserve to feel safe and loved. That doesn't happen in an orphanage. These children are belittled and harassed, made to feel inadequate for a situation they had no part in. It's inhumane.

Reproductive Rights

We can prevent this demise of families by supporting reproductive rights for women. When we require that women sacrifice birth control and force them into the lives of motherhood before they are ready, we fail to honor the true commitment of motherhood.

For the last 70-plus years, birth control allowed wives to better choose if and when they became pregnant again. Potential mothers were able to discern their mental, physical, and financial ability to provide and act accordingly. Consequently, orphanages, particularly in first-world countries, became extinct.

By taking the pill, my aunt controlled when she became pregnant. There were no surprises. This empowered her to be the best possible mother to her children, a more affectionate wife, as well as a healthier human being overall.

The miracle of motherhood is not a burden, nor should it be an obligation. However, it should be approached thoughtfully. Parenting should be a coveted role that each individual wants to participate in, not a societal expectation, or God forbid a law.

Parenting has its challenges. It pays to be prepared. But that doesn't make it easy, much less a stroll in the garden. For those forced into the role, we can only expect toxicity and generational trauma to follow. That is the normal consequence in such circumstances.

Motherhood and a Civil Society

As a result, we needn't expect a successful prosperous society. Forced motherhood will never yield a healthy culture. And in the 21st century, we should all expect to be moving in that direction. As a society, we should prioritize positive, loving homes for every child.

Every woman has a right to choose motherhood. Only she knows if she's truly up to the task. Whereas we've made some progress in male partners sharing in the responsibility, the majority still falls to the woman. She alone should determine if, when, and how many children she is able to mother. Let's remember that come November.

A woman's right to choose is paramount in becoming a good mother and has everything to do with developing a civil society. So, on this Mother's Day, I'm commending my dear aunt on her independence, particularly in an era when women had to fight for it. She was a wonderful and devoted mother to three children, on her own terms, and her own timeline. May she be an example to many.