A Tribute to the Man in the Back Row

On January 24, 2018, my father - Cesar I. Gonzales, MD passed away after over a year of various illnesses and hospitalizations. He was 83 years old when he died.

My brothers asked me to give the euology at my father's funeral mass, and I wanted to share my approach to writing this in case others might need to do this in the future. I really didn't know how to start the process and I was hoping to save others the stress and the time to research this during a time of profound sorrow. You can read this article here on LinkedIn: https://www.dhirubhai.net/pulse/speaking-engagement-one-wants-mia-gonzales-dean-mba-ms-pt-fache/

There have been multiple family members and friends who have asked me to also post the narrative for the eulogy since they were not able to travel to Quincy, Massachusetts for my father's services. I am posting this here to facilitate sharing the eulogy, since I do not have everyone's contact information. On a related note, my family and I are incredibly grateful to everyone who expressed their condolences - whether in person or virtually. Dad was a loveable guy, and it gave all of us great comfort to know how beloved he was by so many people.

When my father and mother moved to the United States, my father held various Medical Director Positions for #johnhancock and remained with this company for his entire career. He enjoyed his work there and even more so enjoyed the great friendships he forged with his colleagues. Since LinkedIn is a social media platform designed for professionals, I am hoping that if any of his former colleagues read this, they will know how much he enjoyed working with them.

My mother, my brothers and I and our entire extended family continue to miss my father dearly, but I am hoping that by sharing a very small snapshot of the person my father was - that this may help keep his spirit alive through the telling of his story. I read from the narrative below at my father's funeral mass on January 29, 2018 at my parents' parish: Our Lady of Good Counsel Church in Quincy, Massachusetts.

Cesar I. Gonzales - Celebration of Life

Good morning. I am Mia Gonzales Dean, Cesar’s daughter, and I am honored to say a few words about my father on behalf of my mother, Gilda, and my three brothers, Gus, John and Lou and our families - as a small tribute to a kind and gentle man.

Because Dad enjoyed staying in touch with friends and family through his computer, I encouraged him to set up a Facebook page so he could keep up with our friends and their families, virtually. He refused because he was concerned about privacy issues, but nonetheless, whenever I would share Facebook posts from mutual family or friends, his entire face would light up and he would thoroughly enjoy looking at everyone’s family photos and could recount the most remote details about each person we knew and about their entire family – whether they were from Merrymount or were our friends from Central Junior High, Archbishop Williams High School or Boston Colleage High School or sports teams that we played on. As an introverted person, throughout his life, he had a small circle of friends, and I know how pleased he was with all of us for making so many good friends of our own, as well as reveling in long-time friends that he and Mom had from Merrymount.

Our father was the 6th child in a family of 9 children. He was born in Cavite in the Philippines and he and his siblings lost their father in World War II when Japanese soldiers forcibly removed him from their home. The family never saw him again. My father was 10 years old at the time and he deeply regretted not having his own Dad in his life and wrote the following in an autobiographical sketch that I asked him to write about himself, years ago:

“I missed having a father. I missed his help in learning to swim and to play tennis which he did with our older brothers…By necessity, I learned to become independent, organized and serious about my studies. Our economic situation also made me frugal and careful about money. It helped me to be single-minded about finishing my studies.”

In my father’s regret at not growing up with his father, he made up for this in spades as an amazing husband to our Mom and amazing father to my brothers and me. As a kid and throughout life, Dad was a voracious reader and scholar on many topics – and, in particular, enjoyed reading about the civil war in the U.S. and about Abraham Lincoln.

Dad’s mother encouraged him to attend medical school and become a physician and Dad was successful in winning academic scholarships, as well as, the beneficiary of the generosity of siblings – like his brother, our Tito Beck, here at church with us today, who helped put my Dad through his studies. Dad’s gratitude and love for Tito Beck was profound and since my Dad was such a quiet guy, this bears mentioning out loud, today.

Dad was a self-proclaimed introvert, so I can only imagine how challenging his medical internship and residency must have been for him as healthcare inherently demands constant interpersonal interactions and, of course, physical examination and challenging conversations when there is bad news to share. But I am sure Dad was incredibly happy with his chosen profession because medicine is what caused him to meet the love of his life - because of his work in a hospital.

Our Mom, Gilda, was a graduate student in social work at the same hospital as our Dad, and my Dad was smitten with her at first sight as she walked past him on one of the medical wards. Dad doesn’t remember much about that day, outside of the fact that she happened to be wearing red shoes – why he remembers that I’ll never know, but I would attribute that to him being dazzled by her beauty. Our Mom was and is a beautiful person – both inside and out – but her physical beauty as a young woman has been recounted by our family on many occasions in Mom’s resemblance to a young and glamorous Elizabeth Taylor.

We enjoyed Dad telling us about all the various school-boy crushes he had growing up which never really amounted to much, and even if they did, he characterized the relationships as merely, “blah.” And in his own words:

“This all changed with Mom. Bells were ringing all over! There was electricity and chemistry! The attraction was so great that I was sure we were going to get married.”

And so, they did. And shared 56 happy years of marriage together with 4 children and 8 beautiful grandchildren, as a result.

Our father worked as a physician for a life insurance company in the Philippines and was moved into the Medical Underwriting Division of the firm, which was more his “cup of tea” since it involved more medical data analytics and risk forecasting, which he really enjoyed. This move to insurance medicine was pivotal in our parents’ lives and facilitated a move to the U.S. because of my parents’ concerns about the economy in the Philippines and their fears about the future for all of us kids.

Dad was hired in 1967 by John Hancock to work at their offices in Boston. There was a two year wait for a visa, so Dad and Mom moved all of us to the U.S. with them in 1969. They had a long journey with 4 little kids and my Dad headed off to Boston to look for an apartment. Mom and my brothers and I stayed behind with our Auntie Lyd, Uncle Rudy and cousins in Billings, Montana while Dad conducted his search.

Dad found an apartment in Watertown, Massachusetts, but we eventually moved to Quincy where we all grew up. As an adult with a daughter of my own, I am so impressed by the courage my parents showed in packing up their bags and kids to make a new life for themselves in a country where they had no family and no friends. Further, there weren’t really many Asian families in Quincy, at that time, which must have been a challenge in and of itself. I honestly don’t know if faced with the same circumstances, I would have been brave enough to do the same.

My Mom made a lot of sacrifices for us as she essentially gave up her career and worked solely from the home raising all of us while my Dad went off to work each day. While this was a difficult journey, Dad and Mom don’t have any regrets about their move. Dad greatly enjoyed his career at John Hancock and was there from 1969 until his full retirement in 2002. A career at a single company nowadays is unusual, but for Dad - he loved John Hancock and saw no need or reason to leave on a quest for greener pastures.

Working in a non-clinical position at John Hancock had its benefits, as Dad and Mom were both around to taxi us kids to all of our multiple after-school and weekend activities. Our parents did not have a lot of opportunities for these things growing up in the Philippines, so one of the pervading themes in our childhood was our parents’ encouragement to try new things.

In addition to our Dad’s love of our Mom and of all us, I can safely say that one of the biggest joys in his life were his 8 grandchildren. In the Philippines you call your grandfather, “Lolo” and Lolo Cesar simply adored each of his grandchildren at every stage of their lives. It was always fun watching my Dad and Mom beam with pride as they gazed upon each of the grandkids as infants. The love in their embrace and eyes was palpable, infinitely deep and resonant. Due to my Dad’s struggles in his life, any happiness he felt was perhaps that much sweeter because he persevered and could experience so much joy in his life, despite the odds.

Lolo could always be relied upon by the grandkids to patiently play board games with them or participate in dramatic play or serve as the reliable swing pusher of infinite swings on the playground, when stopping was never an option as far as the grandkids were concerned. He reveled in jokingly accusing them of cheating on the board games and laughed heartily with them when the grandkids realized that their Lolo had caught them in the act.

Lolo took great pride in all their accomplishments, large and small, and this pride extended to the children of our cousins. He was a Lolo to them, as well, and he loved and was proud of them, one and all.

There are so many wonderful memories to share about our Dad, but inadequate time today to share them all, but I want to encourage you to keep his spirit and presence alive by taking a few cues from his own life. Here are three that I will share and I ask you to imagine, if you will, that he is speaking directly to you through me:

1.   Sing if you feel like it. And really belt out the song like you mean it. You know you love singing, so if you are a little off key, that doesn’t really matter – does it? Our Dad would say that this goes for dancing, too. You’re faking it on the dance floor, but it’s fun – who cares – just do it!

2.   Take a risk and talk to that person who makes your heart sing. Who knows – you might end up finding the love of your life and soul mate and make an amazing life with them.

3.   Love your family and friends and love them deeply and unconditionally. Be present for them and revel in the small and big moments of these relationships and make an effort to keep in touch.

I wanted to close today with a quote from my Dad’s autobiographical sketch, where he describes some observations of himself as follows:

“If you look at my class pictures, you will almost always find me in the back row or left end. I do not remember consciously choosing to be there. I just found myself there. I never liked the limelight. I prefer to be in the background, somewhat outside looking in. I have always been shy, introverted, comfortable only with a few people.”

-To the man who preferred the backrow and the background.

-To the man who enjoyed being on the outside and looking in.

-To us you were always the Man: the Husband, the Father, the Grandfather and Friend who was and will continue to be the very center of our Universe – squarely in the front row – throughout our lives and beyond.

We love you, Dad. May light perpetual shine upon you, and please know that your love lives on in each of us, without end.

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