A Tribute to Lyle - Perspectives on Resilience and Redemption

I seem to have a lot of time to think about things, more than usual. Some might snidely suggest too much time. The pandemic has radically altered our world and many of our habits are upside down.

So I was thinking about where I am on the arc of my life. Reasonably healthy while into the final quarter of my life, fully living my brand of self-leadership, still enjoying the coaching and consulting work I do, grateful for the family and friends I have. I can appreciate my journey and what has brought me to this point. It was not predictable.

My felt quality of life when I was young had none of these positive features. I didn’t like myself, didn’t see a future for myself, had few friends and was depressed and isolated. I suffered emotionally at my own hand, both victim and victimizer. The last two years of high school were a slow downward spiral; college was a continuation of that and within a year, I had flunked out. Too much bridge and rock and roll.

Though I knew what a mess I was, I wasn’t able to change myself for the better. Out of desperation and recognizing my own lack of discipline, I gave up my deferment and joined the Navy. Perhaps it could provide what I could not. It was 1967, the midst of the Vietnam War. I was putting myself in harms way in the hopes of living and having a better future.

A year after boot camp and training for aviation electronics, I was reassigned to the Naval Air Station in Key West, Florida. Clearly much safer than somewhere in the Tonkin Gulf. I lived off base with several other sailors, commuted to work and flew as a crew member on missions to test equipment under different geographical conditions. When I was off duty, I explored Key West and took advantage of the sun and sand and water. I still didn’t like myself.

I got to know some of the people who frequented South Beach, my preferred hangout. Many of them were civilians, some of them even interesting characters. With the sun and warm breezes, I relaxed a bit, allowed for conversation, hungered for connection. One local, Lyle, was almost 40 years older than me. A gourmet cook, professional pianist who played on USO tours for the troops worldwide and gay, I found him fascinating.

We got to know each other over time. He would invite me over for dinners and cook delicious, exotic meals, finished off with dessert, coffee and a joint. We avidly talked about the world (not that I knew much about it firsthand) and what an interesting place it was. He treated me with respect and never hit on me. I appreciated that.

Over time I came to a realization: I was growing as a result of having Lyle as my friend. In fact, some of my growth derived from recognizing that he viewed me as his friend as well, perhaps a young intellectual protégé. I was still self-doubting, self-effacing and suffering. Still trying to find my way, fit in and belong, get a sense of who I was and was becoming. Nevertheless, I was developing a different, more positive, sense of myself.

I began to think beyond my current condition (in the Navy forever) and imagine other futures. What might I do with my life? What would be my purpose for living - my “why/” Since I had no clue, I chose to cultivate patience and curiosity. In the meantime, I found it interesting that I was even contemplating what might be over the horizon.

By the time I had completed my tour of duty, I knew one thing. I wanted to do something with my life where I could enable others to fulfill their potential and become their best selves. Like Lyle encouraged in me. Simply by being who he was, he inspired me to fight to become my best self. It has taken numerous transformations in my ways of being, thinking and doing; my developmental work is ongoing. It also offers me multiple opportunities for transcendence, a chance to grow beyond my self-absorption, putting my attention on others and healing the world in my own small way.

As Paul Harvey used to say, “Here’s page two,” at least the top lines. After my honorable discharge, I returned to the same college where I had flunked out. I completed my degree in psychology, a solid A student, and got my Master’s degree in clinical and developmental psychology. Had a therapy practice, worked with severe and profoundly handicapped children and their families. Changed careers to solve human performance problems in organizations, almost 40 years ago. Have had my own coaching and consulting business for more than 25 years. Built deep, authentic, caring friendships and collegial relationships. Had two brief marriages and divorces, no children.

Overall, more than 50 years of my life have been an intentional expression of my declaration in 1970 to positively and affirmatively touch others’ lives, as Lyle had touched mine. My “why” brings me joy and meaning, fueling and directing my purposeful engagement. I continue to practice becoming a better person, small step by small step, day by day.

What’s your story? I’m sure it’s meaningful to you. How, if at all, has it changed over time? How does it provide context and shape for your choices and priorities? Has it supported your growth and resilience? I’d love to know if you’d like to share.

#selfleadership #designyourlife #purpose #resilience