The Trials and Errors (and Occasional Terrors) of Mindful Dating or Why This Man Needs a “Top Ten” Dating Plan

File this under "lifestyle balance": Challenged by “Relationship” 12-Step peers to have a “dating plan” before reengaging socially-romantically, the Stress Doc initially resists.?Then, in a fired-up, fit of inspiration, the Doc accepts the challenge, ultimately crafting a “one of a kind,” Strategic Dating Plan (SDP).?Actually, it’s the essay below, both satirical and serious, that grapples with three bottom-line questions:

1) Could yours truly develop emotive-cognitive-communicative-sexually active self-regulation?

2) What would it take to anticipate and manage my CRAP – Chronic Reactive-Addictive Potential?

3) How might I design and apply a red light (prohibitions) and green light (positive directions) GPS (Gorkin Protection System).?And don’t miss the closing pithy parable, “The Secret of Wisdom.”

P.S.?The strategic essay focuses on the early stages of a deliberate “getting to know you” process; let’s call it a “Ten Step Opening Gambit.”

FYI, early reviews for his “Top Ten”:?“Brilliant!”?“Your masterpiece!”

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The Trials and Errors (and Occasional Terrors) of Mindful Dating

Or, Why This Man Needs a “Top Ten” Dating Plan

GRRR!?My healthy relationships-focused 12-Step support group wants me to revive my “Boy Scout” personae:?Be Prepared!?Actually, they were “tough loving” me to write a Dating Plan before leaping into that online, “meeting that special someone” raging white water.?And, trust me, initially, there was more kicking and screaming than agreeing.?Four recovery buddies kept trying to shove me into the deep end, confronting my resistance to placing proverbial pen to paper.??Of course, they softened the push noting that they too would benefit from my strategic thinking and writing.?(Go ahead… appeal to my vanity!)

Hey, we are not just talking vanity or virtual dating… there’s a potentially live, “will suck you under” whirlpool out there!?Perhaps I’m being slightly hyperbolic.?Still, this “admitting I am (somewhat/sometimes) powerless” essay has a three-fold purpose:?1) to answer the question, “Why the reluctance to commit to making concrete, a Dating Plan?”, 2) to outline key inner and outer, overt and covert dangers as I ponder jumping into the dating platform screen-scene; see, that’s the problem, my word choice – “jumping into or jumping on” instead of “treading slowly and carefully,” and 3) to formulate a “getting to know you, me, and us” dating structure and method for acclimating to the anticipated psycho-hydro temperature, tempo, and turbulence.?At the risk of mixing passageway metaphors, a strategic dating blueprint balancing traffic control/red lights-green lights probably makes sense.?(Do they use cautionary signal lights on waterways?)?Anyway, how fixed or flexible the timing and intensity of these lights will be tackled shortly.

I seem to be ready to stop fighting, or is it avoiding??Years back, my mother would quote the Ancient Roman poet, Horace, to guilt-push me out of a state of inertia:?To begin is to be half done.?Dare to know – start!?(Thanks, mom.?No wonder I’m such an expert on stress, angst, and neurosis.)?Without further delay or distraction…

Essay’s Three-fold Purpose

1.?“Why the reluctance to commit to making a step-by-step Dating Plan?”

Frankly, listing some strategic bullet points seemed too commonplace, another necessary writing task for which I am presently inundated.?(And, yes, my “buddies” were right; just having the pointers in my head is like having garden seeds in my hand:?neither points nor seeds grow and differentiate to their full, substantive and subtle, possibilities.)?Of course, also, my ego demanded more.?Actually, the personal frustration experienced by the group’s bugging me for a plan, and especially Mr. G’s pointed question – “Why are you resisting the write-up? – was just the personal goading needed.?The ensuing “Aha!” was inevitable.?I recall blurting out, “Okay, I’ll do an essay on ‘The Trials and Tribulations of Writing a Dating Plan!’”?I’ll do it but, dammit, it will be my way!?(Cue the Sinatra track.)

Come on, Mark, you can dig deeper, you can be more transparent.?Writing a dating plan is likely the first step in going back on a singles dating site, along with all the time and energy, hassle and potential heartache that follows.?(Not to mention the fear of developing Carpal Tunnel from all the left clicking.)

Yes, I’m currently in a comfortable place, probably too comfortable.?As described above, sometimes being prodded and provoked out of a comfort zone is a maturational requirement.?To quote once again the wise, Mr. G, Coal transforms into diamonds only under pressure!?And, if I do begin to engage – first virtually and then vitally (as in being able to take face-to-face vital signs) – with one or, for a brief exploratory period, a small number of women, some of my issues and immaturities will surface.?And these defects may well blindingly glitter (hmm… never saw the “litter” in glitter before) under the pressure of openness and intimacy.?Alas, pressure is double-edged.?Some psychic flaws, like diamonds, “are forever!”?How we carry and work our imperfections is another story.?Which brings me to the next concern…

2.?Anticipating inner and outer dating screen-scene dangers while recognizing personal growth.

My biggest 3-“D”diagnostic – dangerous dating defect – is probably hungering to be in a relationship.?Intensity and impatience (I’m originally a New Yawker), too often means trying too hard to impress or too quick to embrace, especially if there’s some initial physical attraction.?Then, if conversation comes easily, and the woman also seems engaged, if not eager, starts using complimentary, endearing, or flirtatious language… bingo, we have a fast-moving ball game.?Hardly matters that we are practically strangers, now my fantastical mind goes to, “Perhaps I’ve found a kindred spirit.”?Amazing how easily craving trumps consciousness.??In 15 minutes, I’m already practicing “being-out-of-my-mind-fulness.”

In the past, sexual energy was the driver; too often, I was the hungry, “never quite good enough,” codependent passenger trying to hitch onto someone else’s ride.?This struggling word artist mostly lived on a rapid cycling edge of trial and triumph. Mix in a family history of depression and trauma, alcoholism and self-doubt, not to mention sexual acting out, the dark shadows of loneliness and emptiness were ever-lurking.?One holds on tight for daylight or distraction, if not for dear life.?Or, occasionally, I might jump out, tiring of the outing and the other passenger; but hardly wiser for the ride.?Not feeling self-contained and comfortable in my own skin, I closed my eyes to (if not helped shovel) the dangerous potholes and debris strewn along those relationship rides and roads.?Being buried in my word artistry could be another ploy for avoiding real intimacy, or confronting the lack thereof.?Once hooked, trapped in an interpersonal web-drama of my own making, I was clueless or too fearful to disentangle and let go.

From Grasping to Grabbing Hold of a Life Line

Not surprisingly, hanging on, not hearing or reading the warning signs – whether unspoken or neon-bright – too often set the stage for being pushed out.?As it did with my last major romance.?However, the painful dissolution of this ten-year relationship, had a silver life line, animating the poignant words of 20th century French-Algerian philosopher, political activist, and novelist, Albert Camus:

Once we have accepted the fact of loss, we understand that the loved one obstructed a whole corner of the possible, pure now as a sky washed by rain.

You see, in the last six years, I’ve turned a big, darkness to enlightenment corner.?With the help of 12-Step Groups and “Recovery Buddies” as well as steady income from meaningful part-time clinical work and monthly Social Security, my psychological and financial worldviews have reached new, meaningful depths and heights.?I’m sensing if not seeing those here-to-fore clouded “sky washed by rain” possibilities.?(Oh, and successfully treating prostate cancer has also been a blessing, strengthening many emotional muscles… though a mixed bag for my libido.?I suspect my days of being sexually driven are mostly in the rearview mirror. However, I still am a believer in Better Living through Chemistry! Thank you, Pfizer.) )

Growing to Let Go

Anyway, a recent sign of maturation and recovery was decisively yet sensitively terminating last year’s online dating/romantic experience upon discovering deal-breaking dysfunction.?During this five-month relationship, impulsive and “romantasy” (that is, my mix of romance and fantasy) tendencies contaminated a slower and saner, “I’d like to get to know you” pace and process.?I’m recalling an old New Yorker cartoon.?A couple are sitting on a park bench and the casually dressed woman, intently gazing at her deep in thought, conservative-suit-attired companion, asks, “Is this going to be an analytical, adult relationship or a damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead one?” At this point in my life, alas, I may need to choose door #1.)

Perhaps a final, “as one-door closes” humbling thought:?Though experiencing more inner and outer solidity and serenity than ever before, for me to realize dating sanity much head work, heart work, and homework remains.?Yet, let me not forget another self-generated, Yin/Yang -like mantra:?One must begin to separate… one must be separate to begin!?With “Progress Not Perfection” as a step-mantra, let’s continue this conceptual journey…

3.?Formulating an Early-Stage Dating Plan (SDP) balancing red lights and green lights.

So, how does the aforementioned, a) personal skepticism-resistance-defiance, also, b) a paradoxical mix of codependent cluelessness with the iconoclastic ability to find “the pass in the impasse,” e.g., my “Aha!” intuition that personal resistance to a dating plan could fire up an outrageous win-win essay, along with, c) a belated yet evolving capacity for defusing dysfunction by 1) recognizing a dissonant major relationship chord or 2) by cutting a seriously distressing relationship cord.?So, the above group and individual dynamics have translated into an organic, “3-D” (you know, dangerous dating defects) SDP.?And three additional bottom-line questions:

??Could yours truly develop emotive-cognitive-communicative-sexually active self-regulation?

??What would it take to anticipate and manage my CRAP – Chronic Reactive-Addictive Potential?

??Finally, moving from diagnostics to therapeutics, how might I design and apply a red light (prohibitions) and green light (positive directions) GPS (Gorkin Protection System)??(Clearly, I should be pioneering a new AA Step-Group:?Acronyms Anonymous!)

Especially with this last therapeutic in mind, also inspired by a Higher Power, giving birth to a Strategic Red Light-Green Light Early-Stage Dating Plan is long overdue.?FYI, in the proceeding section, “Thou Shalt Not” equals a red light; “Thou Shalt” is a green light.?In this early phase of dating, where structure and clarity are vital, a yellow light might induce uncertainty or doubt.?For example, approach-avoidance conflict or choice or consequence confusion, could well exacerbate existing angst, helplessness, or compulsion.?Speaking of angst, it’s an Early-Stage Dating Plan for a reason:?I’m far from ready to look further down the relationship road let alone encapsulate in essay form mid-stage and long-term dating phases and plans.?So, with decided humility…

Your “Top Ten” Commandments for a Strategic Red Light-Green Light Early-Stage Dating Plan

Prolegomena A

As defined in Wikipedia, “Dating?is a stage of romantic relationships practiced in Western societies whereby two people meet socially with the aim of each assessing the other's suitability as a prospective partner in a future?intimate relationship. It represents a form of?courtship… The protocols and practices of dating, and the terms used to describe it, vary considerably from society to society and over time. While the term has several meanings, the most frequent usage refers to two people exploring whether they are romantically or sexually compatible by participating in?dates?with the other. With the use of modern technology, people can date via telephone or computer or arrange to meet in person.”

Clearly, there’s an immediate bio-psycho-social-cultural bias and challenge:?can mindfully dating for slow-paced and solid friendship not be compromised or contaminated by the traditional quest for “courtship, sexual compatibility, and future romantic partnership?”?(Especially challenging for Type A and attention-deficit types and/or those who just don’t like “wasting time” or feel “time is running out.”?Also, a pain in the butt for agitated-depressive-addictive folks needing that quick fix or escape!)

Prolegomena B

For many years I’ve had a bottom-line in my personal’s ad:?Looking for a partner with a heart that sings and a mind that dances; one not afraid of swimming in emotional depths.?I was looking for an insightful and courageous, creative soulmate; (only recently have I realized that the right someone would need substantial therapy or 12-Step work).?There was a “goodness of fit” gap with my ex.??(Did my “ex”-pectations mean there would always be a “goodness of fit” gap?)?Progress was realizing that I too fell short of that poetic description.?However, through hard work, I’m closing the gap, enough so as not to need a checklist, but a check-in.?That is, what’s required is a check-in/inventory with my mind, heart, gut, loins, biochemistry as well as sense of chemistry, and spirit.?(Periodic check-in with a recovery buddy also couldn’t hurt.)?And trust that when experiencing what seems like a good fit with another, a slow and calm phase of “getting to know you,” is critical.?A step-by-step process and path that allows and encourages a caring and engaging, open and playful, truly give-and-take friendship must be the foundation for further exploration.?In summary, a Strategic Dating Plan is a vital cog for, 1) strengthening initial mindfulness and self-regulation, 2) setting initial emotional-sexual boundaries along with a pace that may feel strange yet is vital, and 3) establishing a pattern of healthy and mutual exploration that in time and with trust may nurture a friendship-intimacy-partnership rite of passage.

Prolegomena C

In a gradual “getting to know me, you, and us” process, whether texting, conversing on the phone, Zooming, or actually meeting a new person face-to-face, putting the following ideal commandments into practice may be more difficult than assumed or imagined.?A warning sign is an inability to practice on a mostly consistent basis “good enough” self-regulation of the dating plan ideas, emotions, and/or behaviors, that is, the deliberate path and process referred to above and enumerated below.?Insufficient or ineffective self-regulation suggests a need to slow down, plan/strategize anew, or temporarily hold in abeyance the dating interaction.?In addition, one shalt actively pursue recovery reflection and seek supportive guidance pre-, during, and post-Early-Stage SDP.

Top Ten Commandments:?Early-Stage Practices, Prohibitions and Permissions of the GPS (Gorkin Protection System)

1) Thou shalt cultivate quiet self-awareness, emotional self-regulation and self-containment; thou shalt project the more cool, reflective, yet open “cave” personae, dimming the heated “stage” personae spotlights and fantasy floodlights.?Thou shalt recognize and sit with any tendencies to be anxious and impatient, too eager, too open and/or intense; be aware and be wary of trying too hard to please or impress.?If necessary, thou shalt identify and interrupt any way too early, too passionate “romantasy” thoughts and feelings.?If the mind-body reaction is beyond self-regulation, seek support!

2) Thou shalt not lose awareness of and empathy with the other’s emotional state, including a need to talk and/or be quiet and your need to listen; apply the two ears/one mouth formula.?Thou shalt learn to do a sober and sensitive early-stage interview and inventory of both self and other.?Thou shalt not be so self-absorbed that you lose connection with the other’s need to talk or to be quiet; thou shalt not lose touch with another’s emotional state and their degree of comfort or stress.?You have two ears and one mouth, you shalt use these faculties in their given proportion, i.e., unless circumstances dictate otherwise, listen twice as much as you talk.

3) Thou shalt practice self-acceptance along with intentional, measured, and careful sharing of one’s personal version of “The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly”; take off all “macho or too modest masks.”?Engage in centered relating: “To thine own self/voice be true” and “Be your true self/voice.”?Thou shalt accept who you are – “The Good, the Bad, the Ugly” – i.e., strengths, vulnerabilities, and warts.?(This does not mean one makes blanket admissions or too early revelations of “The G, B & U.”)?In addition, self-inflation of image or ego is a danger sign, as is excessive self-effacement.?If one is basically uncomfortable being true to oneself, wears a psychic mask, has walled-off emotions, feels like an impostor, is putting on a show, and/or is trying too hard to please, thou shalt reconsider a readiness for dating.?Seek guidance.

4) Thou shalt be a conscious, contained, and considerate communicator, setting time limits even when (or especially when) the exchange is “going great,” you are in mutual/kindred spiritual flow, or when time (and ego) is just flying.?(Conversely, turtles must risk initial movement out of their shell.)?Thou shalt not talk fast or be flirtatious, be too lengthy, or too complimentary in initial talk or text.?Thou shalt limit the initial or early conversation or “Face/Zoom Time” to no more than thirty minutes.?Thou shat resist the urge to extend a “great convo.”?Beware the rationalization, “the time just flew by.”

5) Thou shalt not engage in premature speed sharing-depth disclosure; thou shalt challenge the communication notion that “surface means superficial”; thou shalt physically touch and hug sparingly and lightly, e.g., practice a 15-second hand holding rule, a 10 second eye-gazing rule, etc. ?Thou shalt not too quickly or prematurely engage in excessive or too revealing, emotionally intimate conversation or personal disclosure, that is do not spill one’s “insanity” too quickly.?At the start of this “getting to know you” transaction, thou shalt share more at the surface and, if comfortable, perhaps a little below rather than at (painfully) revealing depths.?A moderate degree of openness does not mean being superficial.?Speaking of surface, thou shalt not touch for excessive length nor for passionate or “let me know you like me” intensity during this exploratory, opening phase, i.e., at least for two-four dates.?

6) Thou shalt share (not justify) your belief in a “go slow/be sane” dating plan; explanations are discretional, including “sadder yet wiser” past experience.?Thou shalt meet in public places and use romantic language cautiously, especially the four letter “l”-word (no, it’s not “lust’)!?Thou shalt acknowledge and affirm to the other person that in this one-step-at-a-time dating path and process, even at this late juncture in life, one is just learning to “go slow” and “be sane” (choice of the second term left to one’s discretion).?You continue to learn from past experience.?Thou shalt meet in public places for the first two to four dates.?And finding oneself in someone’s house, thou shalt not sit on the same couch.?The word “love” will not pass one’s lips for at least three-six months.

7) Thou shalt eventually ask the other for feedback on the dating plan, including the person’s comfort level; thou shalt use discussion data to assess viability of the friendship “goodness of fit” along with moving forward potential; taking a “time out” is always an option.?Thou shalt ask if the other is comfortable with a structured, conscious and careful “knowing you” plan and process.?If the other says yes, the process may proceed; if the other is unsure or says no, thou shalt attempt to discuss further (after seeking supportive guidance).?Take a “time out” to reflect on the viability, the “goodness of fit” of the other as a fellow “getting to know you” explorer.

8) Thou shalt not engage in “I’ve got this” dating hubris; thou shalt schedule regular check-in times with a sponsor or recovery buddy, will “get -up-to-date” in meetings, and reach out ASAP in times of dating dis-ease, dilemma, distress, and dysfunction.?Thou shalt check-in with a recovery buddy/support group on a regular basis through the early stages of this opening exploration (whatever time period that entails).?Thou shalt contact a recovery partner immediately or as soon as possible after an obsessively intense, significant anxiety-producing, over-stimulating, or dysfunctional boundary-setting encounter.?Thou shalt not impulsively jump in or jump out of a dating situation!?

9) Thou shalt respect any sincere attempts to engage with a “slow and sane” dating process; however, thou shalt discuss with appropriate support people/groups any violation of dating plan strategy, especially one’s own overstepping or under-protecting of boundaries, any need for amends, etc.?Thou shalt respect and be patient with the other person’s desire and readiness to share, along with mutually establishing ideational, emotional, physical, and spiritual boundaries.?This is especially vital during the early stages of this “slow and sane,” trust-building process.?Thou shalt share with a recovery partner/support group, any violation of one’s “go slow/be sane” strategy, discussing personal feelings, relevant disruptive factors, possible consequences, and next steps.?When emotionally clear and ready, thou shalt recognize and, if appropriate, make amends for any meaningful overstepping or under-protecting of boundaries.

And finally, if two-way, “slow and sane” engagement and interest continues, having registered sufficiently more green lights than reds (including green lights from your recovery/support network) …

10) Thou shalt gradually and mindfully expand sharing based on mutual comfort/friendship levels and emotional readiness, not on “being honest,” “keeping it real” “seeing what it feels like,” or a “love or lust craving”; thou shalt not use passionate emotion and physical or provocative communication (both verbal and nonverbal) to prematurely accelerate or contaminate the pacing and depth of the dating-friendship-intimacy process/passage.?Have a nice date!?Thou shalt practice the incremental sharing of essential and intimate facts and facets of one’s self, of one’s story.?Such gradual widening and deepening of sharing shalt be based on comfort levels and emotional readiness of both parties, gleaned through textual, phone, and, especially, live, face-to-face verbal and nonverbal communications.?Thou shalt not use the urge for absolute honesty or “keeping it real” as the criteria for the timing and pacing, the breadth and depth of sharing.?Thou shalt not use physical/sexual activity as a means to speed up the gradual “getting to know you as a friend” process.??Nor should passionate feelings or romantic activity confuse or contaminate the evolution of trust and step-by-step intimacy.?

Epilogue

It is clear that the comprehensive, overarching “Top Ten” Early-Dating structure and strategy, the objective content and specific sentiment, will not be fully achieved in my lifetime.?As sports psychologist, George Leonard once declared, “It is the path of, not the path to, mastery!”?As previously cited, the goal for 12-Steppers is “Progress Not Perfection.”?Respectfully, I wish to add two other “P-words”:?Practice and Paradox.?And offer two illustrative aphorisms:

1) Learn to Fail or Fail to Learn (courtesy of yours truly), and

2) Strive High and Embrace Failure (articulated by the head of a law firm, who pursued perfection yet was realistic about falling short).

I anticipate falling quite short of the above outlined Early-Stage Dating Plan Commandments.?In fact, unlike the original, these “Top Ten Commandments” are not “set in stone.”?Despite all the time and effort in thinking through, developing, and codifying my issues and ideas, remember…?a dating plan map, no matter the painstaking insight and detail, is not the living, breathing “two-people-in-the moment” territory.?Who knows what sparks might fly when the “rubber hits the road,” metaphorically speaking, of course??(Obviously, another “Top Ten” Essay will be required with the significant rise of relationship temperature and tempo.)?Yet, the “Top Ten” are worthy ideals for which to contemplate, perhaps to strive and, ultimately, thrive, both individually and with a partner.?And with purpose and commitment, along with lots of humility, there will be ongoing opportunity for reflection and sharing, learning and growth.?I will close this personal treatise with a parable that perhaps captures both the human gap between "map-territory" as well as my aspirational mantra:?To be a wise man and a wise guy!

A Wise Story

Words of wisdom.?Most of us seek them.?I immediately think of two of my favorite sayings.?Jonas Salk, the great scientific pioneer observed:?"Evolution is about getting up one more time than we fall down, being courageous one more time than we are fearful...trusting just one more time than being anxious."?And along with a sense of persistence, everyday struggle and appreciation for even small triumphs is the need for serenity:?"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can... and the wisdom to know where to hide the bodies."?No... Just kidding. ;-)?"And the wisdom to know the difference."?And the older I get, the more profound "The Serenity Prayer" seems.?Yet, a fundamental question remains:?how the heck do you get the wisdom??Okay, folks.?Here it is...

The Secret of Wisdom

Once there was a young woman who heard that an old wise woman had the secret of wisdom.?The young woman was determined to track the old woman down.?After traveling many months, the young woman found the old woman in a cave.?She entered and addressed the old woman:?"Old Wise Woman, I hear you have The Secret of Wisdom.?Would you share it with me??The learned woman looked at the youth and said, "Yes, you seem sincere.?The Secret of Wisdom is good judgment."?"Good judgment, of course," said the youth, thanked her mentor, and started to leave.?However, as she got to the entrance of the cave she paused, turned back and said, "Old Woman, I feel funny, but, if I may ask, how does one obtain good judgment?"?"That's a good question," said the sage.?"One obtains good judgment through experience."?"Experience, of course," said the young seeker, and proceeded to leave.?But once again she stopped in her tracks, and humbly walked back to her mentor.?Shrugging her shoulders, the youth cried out, "Old Woman, I feel foolish, but I have to ask:?How does one obtain experience?"?The elder paused, nodded her head, then proceeded:?"Now you have reached the right question.?How does one obtain experience? . . . Through bad judgment!"

Errors of judgment rarely mean incompetence; they more likely reveal inexperience or immaturity, perhaps even boldness.?Our so-called "failures" can be channeled as guiding streams (sometimes raging rivers) of opportunity and experience that ultimately enrich – widen and deepen – the risk-taking passage... If we can just immerse ourselves in the these roiling yet unpredictably rejuvenating waters.?Bring on those “Top Ten Commandments!”?Amen and women to that!

??Mark Gorkin?2021

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