Trial Run: A Collaborative Divorce Story

If you worry about what might be, and wonder what might have been, you will ignore what is.

~Author Unknown

The Beginning

I recall conversations with friends and colleagues over the years as we learned of the divorces among us. Horror stories abound, don’t they? Anger, retribution, and manipulation are alive and well in many divorce situations.

I also recall sharing my frustration at how vindictive people can be, especially when children are involved. I believe their conversations were mostly filled with arguments over money, custody, fighting in front of the kids, and arguing over who keeps what in the house. Other scenarios involved forcing one spouse out of the home and creating an unstable living situation for the children.

My response to these conversations always sounded something like: “How can people who loved each other and brought children into the world have that much anger toward each other? If a marriage has to end, why can’t it end respectfully?” I have always felt that even if the marriage fails, you should have enough respect for yourself and for your partner to end things in a mature manner. Well, as I dis- covered, there is a way. It’s called Collaborative Divorce.

While I will discuss the details of the collaborative process from the client perspective, in essence it is a way for you and your spouse to reach consensus about finances, custody, property, etc. This is accomplished by the two of you meeting together with your collaborative attorneys to achieve a common goal. It takes some emotional maturity on everyone’s part to do this. You may need to dig deep at times to really focus on what is most critical for your future and for your children. As I talk about the process in the chapters to follow, particularly what to expect in the collaborative sessions, I hope and believe you’ll begin to understand how everyone can benefit from this unique approach to marital dissolution.

??I first learned about collaborative divorce through my professional counselor. I started seeing her when things went awry in my marriage and felt I needed some perspective and grounding. The counseling process, I felt, was essential. An objective and safe environment is very helpful in navigating through this uncertain time. Counseling provides a platform to process your feelings without shame, guilt, or judgment.

??At the time of our collaborative process, a divorce coach was recommended, but not required. Today, a divorce coach is an integral part of the team if a couple wishes to use the collaborative process and achieve a legal and emotional divorce. Refusing such support will likely preclude a couple from using the collaborative process. I wish that when my divorce was imminent, that the coaching aspect was required. I believe it may have been a good way for each of us to express our feelings in a manner that was monitored and safe for both of us. I don’t necessarily think things would have turned out any differently, but having a voice and even finding your voice in a situation such as this is critical. While I feel it is not respectful to go into detail about why my marriage failed, I do wish to share that I was not the one who initially wanted the divorce.

??After discovering that collaborative divorce existed, my counselor provided me with the name of an attorney who understood the process. I was very relieved.

Suddenly, all my thoughts about how things could go in a divorce actually seemed possible. I didn’t want anger and contention. I didn’t want us to hurt each other more than we already had. Selfishly, I just wanted it over with and to move on with my life – even though I wasn’t very certain what that meant.