Why are people avoiding speaking the truth?

Why are people avoiding speaking the truth?

You probably have heard saying “The Truth will set you free” There is another good saying I’ve just learned at the workshop I have attended this Saturday “The secret has the power over you”.

When I was about age 8 maybe 9 I remember standing in my bedroom that I shared with my younger sister and I said to myself that “I will set myself free”, the intensity of the emotions I said it with was so strong that still remember it. And it took me only 42 years to set myself free and to learn what freedom really is ?? It has much deeper meaning and it has a lot to do with speaking The Truth. Not that I was a big liar, but I was just avoiding uncomfortable conversations for all cost. I would just shut down and withdrawal.

What is your relationship with “Truth”?

What conversations are you avoiding?

Are you willing to communicate how you feel?

Let’s start first with intimate relationships, let’s say you are avoiding conversation about something because it is uncomfortable, you may feel shame or guilt, or fear of rejection. And so you are avoiding it for long enough that at some stage when your life partner is asking you “How are you , or how are things?… “your response “I’m Ok” with the smile on the face.

But deep down you know you are not, you just don’t want to talk about it and you are avoiding the conversation. That’s was how my relationship was functioning it was almost like in the office, you know it the office people ask you “How are you today ?” and you will say “ I’m good” and put a fake smile ?? that’s the reality by the way in every corporate office or in the majority of offices, ?so I don’t put everyone in the same box. So it was like that in my relationship for a long time and it had its consequences.

Because everything you try to avoid will run after you. And at some point, you will have to face reality! If you have right tools and knowledge (I didn’t have tools or knowledge at the time) you can make a choice to face reality straight at the beginning and avoid a lot of pain later.

So why majority of people avoiding speaking the truth?

My number one commitment to myself now is speaking the truth even if others don’t like it, or it is uncomfortable, or even when I feel the fear. I know if others don’t like it, it is not about me but about illusions they created and they don’t want their illusion to be destroyed and they will be triggered by anything not just by me, ?until they speak the truth and look at their illusions .

So the main reasons why we avoid speaking the truth are emotional survival destructions.

FEAR of rejection, we may not think we fear on our conscious level but in our central nervous system anxiety and fear of rejection runs us. What if they will not love me anymore, what they will think about me , what if they leave me? especially if you are coming from childhood experiences when you didn’t receive love, care, connection and safety from one of your parents.

Remember our emotions will always control our behavior and we avoid having conversations not just in our intimate relationships but also in other relationships like friends, work , family. In a sense we are living in illusion that that everything is ok, when in reality it is not!

It is also important to highlight that we may not want to speak the truth especially when it comes to our intimate relationship, this will happen when we not feel understood, respected and cared for. Because we are not understood, respected, and cared for, and we don’t have the tools and knowledge how to stand up for ourselves we just avoid and withdrawal. We are living in illusion that somehow one day it will get better. This is illusion and one day you will wake up to reality like I did.?Does it sound familiar to any of you?

So even in situations when you are not feeling understood, cared and respected by your life partner first time you become aware of it you want to speak the truth and how?you really feel. You don’t tell them that they make you feel this way or that way, because no one can make you feel certain way, you are in control of your feelings and your experiences. But you can say “ I feel sad, frustrated, angry, not understood “ and then you have assertive conversation.

Also you don’t say or don’t start your conversation in a note “You did that, you are always, never, you can’t?and so on “ because here you are judging and no one likes to be judged, we all want to be accepted and appreciated ?for who we are and not what someone else want us to be!!. So , you can say I want it to be this way or that way, I would like it this way, this is how I fulfill my values , how we can agree , or can we agree, how it can help you in fulfilling what you value, what you want, how can I help you in fulfilling what you want ?

It is easier to say it in the article because I lived it and now, I teach it. But when you don’t understand yourself and you don’t have honest relationship with yourself, you live in illusion , you don’t have the tools how to stand up for yourself in assertive way , it will be hard to do.

Let’s touch on assertiveness.

Assertive means being loving but firm, you know who you are, you love yourself, you know your values and you honor them, you live by them, you accept all of you.

Now very often when we don’t understand ourselves and we don’t have good and loving relationship with ourselves we move from assertiveness to submissiveness (too nice) I’ve been too nice for a long time , that behavior was coming from my childhood, ?and when enough was enough we move in opposite direction aggressiveness or even nasty. So we miss the middle which is Assertiveness ( firm) but loving and caring.

So imagine the image ,because for some reasonI coun't copy it here, imagine Line in the Middle Assertive (Firm) on the left side Submissive ( nice) and on the right side ( Aggressive (nasty)

Now you can go back to any conversations you have, and you can see if you are really assertive because a lot of people do not understand what assertiveness is, they think they are assertive but in reality, they are not! They are either submissive or aggressive. So, you can use this tool to help you navigate. ?

You can only change things in your life when you accept reality for what it is as your creation. Once you accept the reality and that you created it with your behavior doesn’t matter the reason behind it, just accept it for what it is, then you can choose to create different reality.

From my personal experience you won’t be able to do this effectively if you don’t understand yourself. Once you understand yourself all the “Why’s” and “What’s” then “How” will become much either and you will be also able understand the others.

And this applies not only to your intimate relationships, though they paly huge role in our lives, but in all other relationships too at your work, with your family and friends. ?

So see you can be loving and caring and at the same time firm and set clear boundaries, have openhearted vulnerable conversations about everything. But it all starts by changing relationship with yourself, from my personal experience you will not speak the truth until you fully love and accept yourself.

Until you do you will experience fear of rejection of not being enough and even if you try to speak the truth it will come across either aggressive or submissive. I’m not talking only about my personal experience here but also working with clients and everything I say has either scientific or psychological evidence and proof.

All your secrets have power over you remember that. You will not be present with all the secretes you hold in your mind, because your secretes will occupy time and space in your mind and it will become energy drainer.

?You can only be present when you connect to your true feelings in your heart which is Love, Vompassion, Trust , Joy , Freedom to be you, Gratitude, Courage and you must, I don’t like to use word must, but here I will, you must?feel them in your heart if for example you feel gratitude just in your head you are not feeling grateful it is not wired in your central nervous system neither in your behaviors. ?

When you heart is open, and you are connected to your true heart feelings Neocortex objective and creative part of your brain is also open. It doesn’t judge and just observes and makes decisions on what is working and what is not.

Remember love creates and fear destroys. So, on the contrary when you shut your heart and you let your fear to dominate you , your neocortex is shut down and primitive part of the brain Amygdala runs the show not seeing things and they are either avoiding or seeking immediate gratification not looking further for coming consequences that arise from avoidance.

So any change begins with awareness and willingness to access reality. And majority of people don’t want their illusions to be destroyed. The harsh truth about avoiding, that you will have to face all your illusions at some stage and more you wait harder and more painful it will be. This is the truth of reality.

So then it is better to learn about how to regulate your emotional state, understand who you are , understand and feel your unique being and this requires knowledge that you will never learn and school or university.

I challenge you to look at the diagram above and if you don’t understand or don’t know how to stay assertive and apply it in your life, then book a free call with me. ??