The trauma of perfectionism

Perfectionism has an allure to it - a success born of high achievement, of a high bar of excellence and many, many jobs well done. My perfectionist bent has earned me many kudos, and once a joke gift from an employee reading "Perfection is our goal, excellence will be tolerated."

But the shadow side of perfectionism haunts our relationships as perfect outcomes often trump our positive connection to others, and 'never good enough' plagues our internal monologue. It's been a hard year of many things going imperfectly for me. And despite trying harder and being more careful, I seem to encounter unexpected misfortune which I often internalize as my mistakes. I'm torn up inside, berating myself over what I 'should have known' or 'should have anticipated', obsessing over what I now know, circling around and around the issues. Mistakes are so hard. It's possible that perfectionists make them even harder.

I'm not sure how I became a perfectionist. My parents said I was always hard on myself. But they were also critical in their own way, coming from critical parents themselves. They both tried really hard to be positive, but saw what was wrong in situations, other's performance, their own attempts... and I translated it to my quest to be perfect. I entered the highest achievement classes, university, companies - where other perfectionists achieved greatly, but with much harsh criticism of themselves and others. It fed my shadow.

I thought if I tried harder, worked longer, learned more and listened to others I'd get more and more and more perfect as my life went on. And someday, I'd be past all of this suffering from imperfect things.

But that's not how it's worked out.

The older I've become, the more complex life has become - at home, at work, in relationships. This has lead to more mistakes from juggling more (too much), and mistakes with bigger consequences, and some bad luck that I qualify as my mistake because "I should have known."

The trauma of perfectionism is real. There's a cycle of anticipation, some achievement, disappointment/despair, disillusionment and acceptance that cycles on and on. Sometimes during a downturn of despair I start to feel all the despair from all the mistakes - not staying on the phone longer with my mom the night she accidentally died, not leaving my wedding ring at home before I lost it, not noticing the issues with our pet before she died....

Perhaps us perfectionists just need to start with acceptance of the world (and our own) deep imperfection earlier to save ourselves some of the suffering. The Buddha shared a parable of "the second arrow:" the world may shoot the first arrow into you (misfortune), the second arrow you shoot into yourself. The second arrow is optional - it represents our reaction to the bad event, misfortune or mistake. Bad things happen, we may have been imperfect in predicting something, noticing something, in reacting appropriately. But then our reaction is another arrow which can cause even more suffering.

There are two things I'm trying to do more frequently as I struggle through my trauma:

1) Accept and anticipate that bad things ARE going to happen (maybe all the time, probably throughout my life). I'm not going to be able to reach this perfection I've been chasing all my life, both because I'm not perfect and because the world throws ever complicated problems our way, bringing varying levels of imperfection daily.

2) Be present and watch for the illusions - I can get so wrapped up in the spirals of thinking I can't see how I'm adding pain on top of the pain. I've been meditating since I was a child (my mom was a California hippie). But it's a constant game of trying to see past the illusions I create on top of what just IS.

3) Give myself and others more compassion and forgiveness with our mistakes. Generally I'm trying to do the best I can with the information I have available at the time. I always have more information later which may have led to different (more perfect) decisions. But I have to accept myself and my mistakes with more kindness, forgiveness and compassion, if I have any chance of accepting my husband, children, colleagues, employees and others with that same grace.

In my head I know letting things flow, accepting them for what they are, and loving myself and others is the path forward through the suffering. Now let's see if I can live it in my body.

What else have you learned on this journey that could help me and others? Do share!