Trauma Insights: The hurdles to happiness

If I were to ask every single person on the planet 'What do you want in life?' I'd be willing to bet the answer 99% of people would give is 'I just want to be happy'.

There are countless books on what happiness means, how to get it, how to keep it or even why you might not have it. But a path less travelled explains just how unlikely it is to achieve - or what hurdles are in the way to happiness. By looking at the hurdles to happiness, you can check which one(s) you might not have successfully jumped yet. Giving you fresh impetus that a happier life is not too far away.

Another way of looking at it is that it's a roadmap to happiness. But one where the obstacles and challenges are highlighted on the way. Similarly, if you aren't enjoying the journey so far, this might help you to identify where you made a wrong turn, allowing you to find a new route to reach your desired destination.

Let's start from the beginning...

You're born into the world by your parents - you have no say in who they are. But your parents have their own unique values, they have their own set of morals and their own beliefs about the world. Your parent's morals and beliefs might be helping them thrive in the world. They may be at the top of their game, they might be the most attentive, caring supportive parents you could ever ask for.

But the reality is many people come into the world and their parent's values, morals and beliefs limit their potential. They might have learned them from their parents, or they might be following the accepted norms at the time. They may have their own mental health struggles to deal with.

As helpless, powerless babies we are totally reliant on our parents for our survival. They are so important if we didn't have them we probably wouldn't make it through the first day. We spend almost all of our early lives watching, listening and feeling the world through our parents. We make associations, patterns and meanings about the world and mimic their behaviours.

Consequently, we learn a large proportion of our model of the world from our parents.

In keeping with this, we are hardwired to crave their approval and admiration. Regardless of how we are treated, there is a deeply ingrained part that craves to be accepted by them. This has a huge impact on how we learn more about the world.

As a youngster, when you do things that support your parent's values, beliefs and morals you are congratulated for being 'good'. You're rewarded and praised for your 'goodness' and encouraged to repeat the behaviour. Here your model of the world is reinforced through reward.

When you do things that challenge or violate your parent's values, beliefs and morals you are reprimanded for being 'bad'. You're punished for actions and behaviours that your parents deem 'bad' or 'wrong'. Here your model of the world is reinforced through punishment.

We can now start to see how when are told things like 'you're being naughty' or 'that's wrong' or 'you're being bad' can create images around what it means to be good or bad. Without the rational thinking faculties of an adult, these messages of wrongness or badness amalgamate into 'I'm a good person' or 'I'm a bad person'.

Next you go to school.

You take all your beliefs and morals learned from your parent's - both helpful and hindering - and go into a new environment where there are new rules, new beliefs and new morals. Here you have arguably even less control than at home. You get rewarded with stars, stickers and certificates for doing actions and behaviours that support the schools processes. You get punished for doing actions and behaviours that challenge the school's processes.

All the while you get tested, assessed, examined and categorised. The more this happens, the more the lines start to get blurred...

If I get good scores I must be intelligent and so I'm a good person.

If I get bad scores I must be stupid and so I'm a useless person.

If you can't sit, learn, study or memorise in the way the school wants, sometimes you'll even be told there's something wrong with you (reinforcing those worries and fears) and you might even get a label for life.

Next you start to socialise.

That same craving to be liked, accepted and admired now extends to social circles. You have to hussle and manoeuvre to eventually find your place in the food chain. You now have the challenge of balancing your parent's values, beliefs and morals with that of the school and of your social network.

You get praise and admiration from others for being perceived as 'cool'.

You get teased, bullied or punished for being 'different'.

Next you start to date.

Juggling your parents beliefs and morals, with rules learned at school, with ever more complex social practices, you try to find a partner. Where often all sorts of meanings can get made. Some powerful ones are:

I'm single - there must be something wrong with me.

They said no - they have rejected me as a person.

They chose someone else - they must be better than me.

Next you get a job.

With all your baggage you now turn up at the doors of an employer. Where guess what? There are new rules, regulations and policies to squeeze your life into.

Next you interact with your government.

Laws, legislations, red tape, beaurocary, rules, restrictions, lies.

And finally, you've made it to a fully fledged adult.

You can be happy now. Well...

As long as you can avoid difficult times at home and don't pick up limiting beliefs from your parent's - and of course - getting the support and acceptance you want.

As long as you can navigate school without learning challenges, bullying, social difficulties or embarrassment.

As long as you can get a smooth transition into a romantic relationships and avoiding feelings of rejection. Avoid verbal or physical abuse and have enjoyable sexual experiences.

As long as you can find a career you find meaningful, avoid bosses that intimidate you, avoid colleagues that criticise you and avoid failures that get you fired.

As long as you avoid governments that put demands, restrictions and limitations on your freedom.

Then you can be happy.

The hurdles to happiness can be big.

The challenges will come along.

Learning how your mind works, how to balance your perceptions, how to challenge your thinking and how to overcome setbacks are not 'nice to have's' in life.

They are necessities.

But until our education system helps us to learn all those psychological skills, the onus is on you to do it. Otherwise, you will be forced to compromise your goals, dreams and plans for future - depending on how much life has zapped out of you.

So...

Do you want to compromise?

Or...

Is it time to learn to think differently?

#thetraumaexpert #psychology #mindset #mentalhealth