Trauma, Feelings, and the Power of Compassion

There is a character in a Turkish series (K?sem Sultan) that got me thinking about how traumatic events affect us on so many levels. Murat is a nine-year-old prince, who is imprisoned in a room with his three younger brothers, after his oldest brother Osman ascends to power. Sultan Osman was afraid his enemies would dethrone him and replace him with one of the princes. If you had watched the series up to this point, you would understand that those fears were not irrational.

Murat takes on the role of protector and savior. While his younger brothers sleep, he sits by their bed holding a wooden sword, ready to fight. He is hypervigilant to any noises and is on high alert whenever someone opens the door. You can see fear and rage in his eyes. It is easy to understand why he behaves this way after seeing all he has been through. He and his younger brothers almost got killed once but were saved at the last minute. Murat also saw his brother Mehmet, who was only a year younger than Osman, killed by Osman’s order.

Yesterday’s scene showed Sultan Osman coming to see the young princes in the middle of the night. When Osman saw Murat wide awake and holding a sword, while his brothers slept, he asked him: “Are you afraid?” Murat replied he was not. You could see his eyes tearing up slightly while he mustered the courage to stand up to his brother. He was standing up to his brother’s killer and to someone powerful enough to kill him and his brothers.??

There have been many scenes where Murat says that as long as he is with his younger brothers nothing will happen to them. In just a few scenes you can see how he is learning to repress his emotions, be hypervigilant, not trust anyone and see having control as the ultimate survival mechanism. He has to engage in all the above to survive. He cannot afford to become aware of his fear, sadness or any other feeling that could potentially make him feel weak. He is carrying a lot on his shoulders.

I could not help but think how much all the trauma he is going through might affect him when he grows up. He might become a worrier, besides being a warrior. He might try to control everything as much as he can to cope with underlying anxiety. He might not show his emotions, even when it would be a healthy and appropriate response, for fear that this will make him weak and vulnerable.

I also could not help but think how many of us are engaging in behaviors and coping mechanisms that are not helpful, just like Murat might do when he grows up. Many of us grew up in less-than-ideal environments where we had to develop certain survival mechanisms. What helped us survive then, might be hindering our growth and happiness now.

It is easy to feel compassion for Murat because he is an innocent child. I so desperately want to tell him that there is a lot that he has no control over. If he keeps thinking he has all the control, and that his brother’s lives only depend on his capacity to protect them, then he will deal with horrible guilt, deep sadness, and helplessness once anything bad happens to them. And, judging by the latest events in the series, there is a high probability that bad things will continue to happen to them.??

Self-compassion and compassion for our fellow humans might be harder as adults, but desperately needed. We need to give ourselves and others the same compassion and understanding we might offer to Murat.

We need to stop feeling ashamed of the feelings that we think make us weak. It is ok, and healthy, to admit when we are sad or afraid to people who can support us. And it is more than ok to admit those feelings to ourselves. We need to embrace all our feelings.

We do not have control over all the factors that might affect us, or our loved ones, just because we are grown up. We cannot singlehandedly protect them. We need to realize and accept that there is so much out of our control. And that is ok. That is how life is.

The good news is that we do not have to face it all alone. Let’s be there for each other.