Trauma Bonding In the Workplace

Ali and I just caught up for coffee. We worked together close to 10 years ago, and it was refreshing to hear that she was doing well. She works in big tech, and when I asked her about her job, she smiled wide. Ali was beaming, and I told her how great it was to see that smile. I then asked her what she liked about the job, and her answer was instant:?“My coworkers and I are super close. We’ve gone through a lot together; we’re trauma-bonded.” As Ali went on, she told me how she and her coworkers had a strong connection that initially started due to shared or similar traumatic experiences--they bonded around trauma. This created a sense of camaraderie and mutual understanding among Ali’s colleagues who have faced challenging or distressing situations together.?

After my conversation with Ali, it dawned on me that her description and stories of bonding around trauma were not the first I’ve heard of the term trauma bonded. So, I decided to do some research and learned that trauma bonded has a different meaning altogether. While Ali and others I know have described trauma bonding as a misery loves company situation, it is something different. To be fair, the term trauma bonding does make sense to describe some of the misery that coworkers go through in the workplace. However, it turns out that trauma bonding isn't what occurs when a group of individuals go through challenging experiences such as a harsh work environment. Trauma bonding is a mental phenomenon, not an official diagnosis, and it takes place between two people.

“Trauma bonding occurs when an individual forms a psychological and emotional attachment to their abuser through a cycle of positive reinforcement.”

A trauma bond is an attachment that develops from a repetitive pattern involving physical and/or emotional trauma, followed by subsequent positive reinforcement. Trauma bonding can include experiencing intense affection and intimacy, typically followed by gaslighting and manipulation .

Trauma bonds can manifest in various relationships, such as between a parent and child, romantic partnerships, or, yes, a boss and employee. Dealing with the emotions that accompany abuse, whether it's emotional or physical, can be challenging for an individual to process their feelings. As the recipient of this abuse grapples with a range of complex emotions that are challenging to cope with, they may develop a bond with the abuser, forming an emotional attachment as they convince themselves that it is an expression of care. Rationalizations, such as attributing the partner's behavior to temporary upset, anticipating change, or recalling their pre-abuse persona, become common. This cycle of abuse and positive reinforcement traps the individual in a pattern of returning to the abusive relationship despite awareness of being mistreated.

In a trauma bond, the abused person might:

• Rationalize abusive conduct, as in excusing outbursts by attributing them to fatigue.?
• Act as a shield for your abuser, concealing their harmful behavior.?
• Endure mistreatment in an effort to appease them.?
• Experience a sense of indebtedness to your abuser.?
• Suppress genuine emotions when in their presence.?
• Find it challenging to terminate the relationship despite the desire or recognition of its toxicity.?
• Extend trust and goodwill even when betrayed by the other person.?
• Assume responsibility for their unwarranted actions.?
• Create distance from individuals who raise concerns about the well-being of your relationship.

Trauma Bonding in the Workplace

In the workplace, one of the most common examples of trauma bonding occurs in an abusive boss-employee relationship, typically with the development of a powerful emotional connection forged through shared adversity, typically characterized by the boss's harmful behavior and the employee's vulnerability. This toxic dynamic often arises from the misuse of power, with the boss exerting control, employing manipulation tactics such as gaslighting, and creating an environment of fear and dependency. The cycle of abuse, marked by periods of mistreatment interspersed with seemingly supportive gestures, contributes to the employee's difficulty in breaking away. The victim may endure isolation, threats, and a decline in self-esteem, fostering a sense of attachment that makes it challenging to recognize and escape the damaging nature of the relationship.?

Trauma bonding between a team member and an employee can manifest in various ways, such as a team member consistently undermining and belittling a colleague during group projects, eroding their self-esteem, and creating a reliance on the abuser for validation. The abusive team member might engage in manipulative tactics, spreading rumors or gossip to isolate the targeted employee from the rest of the team, fostering a sense of dependence on the perpetrator for social connection. Additionally, the abusive team member could employ coercive control, assigning an excessive workload, imposing unrealistic expectations, and then alternating with brief periods of support, creating a cycle of unpredictability that deepens the emotional bond. These examples illustrate how trauma bonding in a team setting can be fueled by a combination of psychological manipulation, isolation, and power dynamics, making it challenging for the victim to break free from the harmful relationship.

The Relationship Between Trauma Bonding and Belonging

Interestingly enough, trauma bonding and belonging are related concepts, but they operate in different psychological domains. Trauma bonding often occurs in situations where there is an imbalance of power. The shared experience of adversity creates a powerful bond, which can be paradoxical as the very source of pain becomes intertwined with feelings of connection and loyalty. Conversely, belonging is a concept related to one's sense of being part of something bigger than oneself, perhaps a community, without sacrificing who they are. The dependency is on the self, and the outcome is based on positivity (unless the belonging is thwarted ). It involves feeling a sense of identity and connection with self and others, contributing to an individual's overall well-being and mental health.?

While trauma bonding can create a solid emotional connection between individuals who have experienced trauma together, it's important to note that this bond is often unhealthy, particularly in cases of abuse. Trauma bonding can create a distorted sense of belonging because the connection is rooted in shared suffering rather than in positive, supportive, and nurturing relationships.

In a healthier sense of belonging, individuals feel accepted, valued, and supported in ways that contribute positively to their well-being. Healthy belonging is grounded in self-love, positive social connections, shared values, and mutual support rather than shared trauma.

It's crucial to distinguish between healthy belonging and the potentially harmful dynamics of trauma bonding. Seeking support, empathy, and understanding in the aftermath of trauma is essential, but it should ideally come from relationships that promote healing and well-being rather than perpetuating patterns of abuse or dysfunction.

What other types of trauma bonding exist in the workplace? Do you have experience with trauma bonding at work? How have you found ways to break the cycle? Please comment below.

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