TRAPPED IN A TRICKY TRIANGLE
You may not be a Hollywood star, but unbeknownst to you, you are probably starring in a drama triangle as a “Damsel in distress”, a “Villain”, or a “Hero”. Think about high-conflict situations you have experienced in life. Chances are that it started between 2 people or 2 parties – one the Victim (V), and the other the Persecutor (P). It is possible that in your mind, you thought of yourself as the Victim, and of the other as the Persecutor. Similarly, the other person could have thought of themselves as the Victim, and you as the Persecutor.
As the conflict increased in intensity, it is likely that a third person or party entered it. Once a conflict becomes too hot to handle, it literally boils and spills over to a third party, known as the Rescuer. The Rescuer is usually brought in by one of the self-perceived Victims, to save themselves from the Persecutor. And, the drama continues with all 3 actors playing their roles. As it proceeds, the roles may even switch. The Victim may become the Persecutor, the Rescuer may become the Victim, and so on.
The conversation in the above example is becoming dysfunctional, and may continue indefinitely. Or, more likely, they will all walk out in a huff, resulting in an impasse, UNTIL one of them consciously steps out of the drama triangle by responding as an adult.
The concept of drama triangles was conceived by Stephen Karpman, a famous psychologist, who used it to understand unhealthy relationship patterns. These drama triangles are very common at work, and in our personal lives too. Why should we be concerned about them? A drama triangle is a vicious spiral, and drags everyone downwards. It saps away our time and energy due to meaningless conflict, reduces collaboration, and is a huge obstacle in the achievement of results. No one benefits from it, as each actor is looking for short-term, psychological wins, and the whole purpose of collaboration is lost.
At this point, it’s important to differentiate between healthy and unhealthy triangulation. There are situations where one is genuinely a victim (of abuse, harassment or violence), there is a perpetrator who needs to be checked, and a third party (friends/ counsellors / mediators/ police / law etc.) has to step in to rescue the victim or help resolve the conflict. This is healthy triangulation, and is an excellent way to resolve difficult conflicts. Healthy triangulation does not have “hidden psychological agendas” at its core. There is genuinely someone getting victimized, who is unable to help himself, and is reaching out for help. The helping agency is genuinely seeking to help, and does not have a hidden need to feel superior or important by helping out.
Unhealthy triangulation or the Drama Triangle has hidden psychological agendas at its core.
As you can see, low self-esteem is the reason behind each actor’s role. Sadly, our need to feel worthwhile, good enough or superior to others, makes us get into these dysfunctional dramas which give us nothing in return. They either go on endlessly, increasing our stress and dissatisfaction with life. Or they result in relationships becoming sour, robbing us of the joys of companionship, warmth and togetherness in our lives.
Even sadder is the fact that we often act out these roles unconsciously. We may not even know we are engaging in a silly drama to salvage our low self-esteem. While the drama is going on, we may switch roles, but each of us is pre-disposed to one of these roles, based on our childhood experiences and our personality.
We need to get out of this Drama Triangle, so we can move towards what we really want from our relationships. Here is a step-wise way out of this unhealthy triangle.
Resist the temptation to get pulled into the triangle. The drama generates a powerful vortex of energy, and can suck you into itself within no time. You have to be mindful of your own intentions to stay away from its lure of short-term psychological wins. The triangle constrains your opportunities for growth and fulfillment, keeping you unconsciously restricted to a pattern of conflict and stagnation. Don’t stay trapped within its boundaries! Break away towards freedom and a more fulfilling life.
Gulshan Walia - I am a Human Capital consultant and coach, and my main areas of work are leadership development, , coaching, behavioural skill workshops, performance management and HR processes. Here is an overview of my coaching practice. Drop me a note at [email protected] if you are interested.
View my website at www.infinitzusconsulting.com to learn more about my areas of work