The transition from angry, insecure & selfish to mindful, grateful & free.

This topic is one that I have thought about every single day to some extent, more so as I’ve developed and been able to look back upon how I acted as a young man.

I’ll start with the aforementioned, anger. As a child I struggled in school, not academically, in fact that was usually the opposite. I was mostly placed in the higher performing classes but my behavior in school inhibited my ability to take advantage of those classes.

I would react and explode as a red mist descended over me, causing me to act out, even physically at times towards my peers and teachers.

I was sent to anger management, in primary school, that stigma does not leave you, ever. Once every Wednesday I would miss geography to go to a special place for angry children, and learn how to “count to 10” when I became angry, like that’s ever worked for someone who genuinely struggled to control their anger… Oh whilst in a room full of 10 other little boys who also can not control their anger.

From then, I was excluded for performing wrestling moves on a year 6 when in year 3, I threw a chair at my teacher, countless fights in the school yard, letters home, phone calls, isolations, detentions, it went on and on all the way through to secondary school and even one occasion whereby I had a fight with a football player from an opposing school team at the end of the match, which ironically I got kicked out of the school for and the only other school that would have me, was, yep that’s right, the same school in which I 1 week prior had been throwing punches at their number 9, now that was rough first day at a new school.

I always knew this was how I was viewed, aggressive, unpredictable, angry which only exacerbated my behavior, I used those things to control people and situations, this was not who I wanted to be.

Unfortunately, this took a toll on my parents, because why wouldn’t it. I woke one morning to hear my mum calling up the stairs in a faint voice, I looked down, she was curled up at the bottom of the stairs, now I was 13/14 around this time, and it was described to me as a mini heart attack due to stress (is what I remember.) God knows my dad suffered too. I can not begin to describe the shame and guilt I felt as I recognized my part to play in that stress.

Enough was enough, I had to change, and I did, slowly. I still got angry, I still reacted, I still failed to control my emotions at times, but as time went on and as I grew into a man, I realized that anger serves no one. It is a pointless emotion that inhibits your ability to make rational decisions. I had to seek to understand where the anger came from, where did that defensive and aggressive nature come from? Answer? Environment. However, this does not negate my responsibility or act as any kind of excuse, simply a cause.

I had seen my fair share of physical, emotional, mental confrontation both at home and where I lived, I’ve experienced the pain of an immediate family member being sexually assaulted and the pain of not being able to help someone you love more than yourself. I’ve been bullied and also been a bully, this meant I developed a learnt behavior, a habit. Just like with all habits, you have to work to break bad ones and replace them with new ones. Take a deep breath (I guess the 10 count does work after all huh.) express your frustrations in a calm manner, don’t hold grudges, use humor as a shield instead of being aggressive and the most important thing I learnt was “If I was to say _____, would I be in a better or worse situation than the one I am in right now”

These things didn’t act as some kind of potion to transform me into someone who doesn’t get angry, I can’t control that, but it allowed me to control my reactions to my own emotions, powerful stuff.

Insecurity, now this beast didn’t rear its ugly head until I had my first relationship at 21, I met my first girlfriend on holiday, not what you expect on a lads holiday to Sunny Beach, Bulgaria but what’s the old saying? When you least expect it? Something like that. She was 5 years older than me, so had more experience in relationships although in honesty, so did pretty much everyone I came across at that time.

She said when we got together there were a few things that attracted her to me, confidence, humor and a tiny bit of arrogance, which I believe there’s a fine line between confidence and arrogance and not all arrogance is a bad thing, but that’s subjective and contextual so I’ll move on.

She had a career, a really good one, she was the shining light in her company and set for a great future. She knew where she was going. Me? I didn’t know where I was going or what I wanted in life, that was the first insecurity.

Then came the distance, it’s strange the first time you fall in love, you can’t get that person off your mind for a single second, and when you don’t see them as often as you’d like, even the change of tone in a text can send your mind racing, what’s she doing, who’s she with, why is she acting different, what have I done wrong…

You can become so obsessed with not losing that person that your brain will convince you, you have to do more or be more so this doesn’t become a reality, when in fact, those very thoughts and that lack of critical thinking means you end up designing your own coffin.

I acted like she was the only person that mattered in life, she (quite rightly) did not.

These thoughts and insecurities slowly built up over an 18 month period (not bad for a distance relationship still) but it got to the point where I would check her likes on social media, when she was last active, I even searched to see if she’d made any dating profiles in secret, I was messed up. I had allowed myself to become that way. I had so much raw emotion within me that just like with anger, it stopped me from acting like a sane, rational person.

This was epitomized when she got a promotion she had been grinding for, for 4 years, which meant relocating to London, meaning the distance was to be doubled, my reaction was one of sadness, one of selfishness, when it should have been one of celebration. I should have been happy the person I loved was succeeding, even if it meant the writing was on the wall.

After an argument a few weeks in the future it all came to a head when I sent an obnoxiously long text which when summed up could read “Please don’t leave me. I am weak.” This spelt the end.

Now whilst I truly believe that vulnerability is a trait more people should adopt, this is not the way.

If your strength and happiness relies on someone else, then you’re fucked. I tried not to swear within this article, but I couldn’t think of a better placed word. You are going to consistently self-sabotage any meaningful relationship, this puts you in a mental paradox as your insecurities will grow with each failed relationship, romantic or otherwise.

Practice self love. I don't mean taking 400+ selfies and whittling them down to the one that you like best, that's vanity. I mean love your self like you would those you love. Think "would this be how I would want my future children to act" If the answers no, don't act that way. Love yourself to the point where you won't allow yourself to hurt yourself internally.

Stop comparing your life to all this nonsense you see on social media, 90% is fabricated and this is a baseless comparison. The people that fabricate it maybe need just as much help in their growth as I did when I was 12.

Your insecurities are just that. YOURS. That’s not to say they don’t have their place in discussion, like with a trained psychologist or therapist, which I put a lot of my own growth towards or even with trusted friends. Some of the harshest home truths have come from my friends, those that trust me enough to be unequivocally honest when it’s what I need to here. Special mention to Joe, you know who you are. 

Now whilst I recognize and appreciate whole heartedly that insecurities are formed through past experiences, just like with anger. You can not hold on to them, they will ruin your ability to become a strong minded, resilient person. This takes time, and practice, I’m happy to say that in terms of relationships, these insecurities no longer exist within me, but I had to go through that to realize it.

I largely binned all my social medias for a period, knowing this gave me access to feed my insecurities, I also focused on having more in my life than just a relationship. Reading gave me a way of improving the worst parts of myself.

I highly recommend setting aside an hour a day to do so, with the amount of free content or even spending $5-10 on something that will IMPROVE YOUR LIFE that is available, if you’re not taking steps to change the worst parts of you and you KNOW what they are already, don’t expect a different outcome.

I've long considered keeping everything above inside, and this is the first time I'm talking about it to anyone other than a trained professional or close friends, so if the topics above hit home, good, act on it, be a better person.

I do not write this for any other reason than to share what I have learnt, in the hope in may help someone else.

Thanks for being apart of this article.

RJ