Transgender Day of Visibility

Transgender Day of Visibility is a day for transgender people and their allies to step forward showing support, provide strength, and give courage to those in the community who are struggling or starting out on their journey. As part of this I have decided to share my story in the hopes that it will give courage to those starting out in their journey and help others understanding something about the lives of people going through transition. In an effort to give a true picture I am going to be as personal as I can and say thing that I have told very few people before.

When I started writing this the intention was for a short summary of my life and where I have come from and gone. Turns out I write like I talk since my changes and can't shut up so I apologize for the small novel below but do hope that it can be of help for at least one person who is struggling or thinking of going through something similar.

I was born as a boy 50 years ago in a small town in mid Western Australia. During the pregnancy an Aboriginal woman told my mother that she was going to have a girl which is something I look back on with a great deal of awe and a degree of humor. How did she know so much better than the doctors and everyone else and what would happen 50 yrears later? Because of this the first few months of my life I was dressed as a baby girl as my parents had brought girls cloths. I so wish I had photo's from back then.

A lot of my early childhood was fairly much as you would expect of a boy growing up in a small town, I played with the same toys as everyone else, I fought with my younger sister but loved her to bits, I played sports (not very well). I was a real science fiction nut and learn to read from novels before starting primary school which caused no end of trouble when they tried to teach reading as I simply refused to read silly childish “see spot run” books.

Things started to change around the age of 10 or 11. The start was probably when I was sexually assaulted by an older girl, this was probably the only real traumatic experience I ever had to face and has been a defining point in my life. For years I never told anyone and felt ashamed thinking that as a boy "I should have enjoyed it".

Once I started to entered puberty properly I started to notice that things were different. I found girls and women very alluring and attractive but unlike other boys it didn't extend to a sexual attraction. I loved to look at girls or their pictures but looking back on those years it was more with a sense of jealousy or missing something than any real attraction. At the same time I started to grow more distant with my "boy" friends and became somewhat of a loner having only 1 or 2 real friends for most of my life. This is where I started to realize that thing were different but being brought up in a small town and sheltered environment I had never heard the work Transgender or understood that there was anything other than boy or girl. We did have a couple of Gay kids in school but I never found boys attractive either so I didn't think I was Gay.

Fast forward a few years, I left school at the end of year 11 and went to TAFE to study Electrical Engineering by myself in Perth at the age of 16. Dad payed for my study, room and board in a hostel. Here I was even more alone and being exposed to a lot of other testosterone fueled teenager's I tried to fit in and "find a girl". This was a complete failure, every time I tried to start a relationship I would end up running or deliberately sabotaging things as soon as anyone returning any interest. Basically my social life was a complete disaster.

My professional life however was the complete opposite. I was given an opportunity to work part time as a junior engineer at the Sunday time newspaper where I would help move around and maintain computer terminals. The boss who gave me that opportunity also had his own startup company doing telecommunications monitoring software and I also worked for him doing phone system audits. One day while waiting for one of the programmers to fix a bug that was holding my data entry up I looked over his shoulder and with no programming experience at all pointed out where he was going wrong. After that they sat me in the corner, gave me a computer and I started writing the programs myself. Within a year I was as good as anyone else on the team and in a couple of years from that I was leading the development. By the time I was 23 I was Technical Director and in charge of all IT and programming of an international award winning software company.

Around this time my life changed again. I was living in a unit when one day my landlord called me over to get some help with for another tenant of his in the same complex. The other "tenant" was a woman who had a stove that all the markings had been rubbed off and the landlord couldn't figure out what knob did what, in hindsight it was a rather transparent attempt at matchmaking. The strange thing was for the first time in my lift I made an immediate connection with someone from he opposite sex and within a coupled of days of meeting her I had lent her my computer as hers had died and she was trying to setup a home business. At the age of 23 she was the first real sexual partner I had and 3 years later we were married, a year after that we had an amazing daughter (I bet everyone says that).

Things seemed to have changed, I had a relationship with a woman, a marriage, even a had a daughter, so all was good right? Yes and No. One of the things that attracted me to my wife is that she wasn't quite the same as everyone else. When I met her she had no real interest in men, was planning on staying single, was a member of Mensa, was 7 years older than me, had been in the Airforce, had Multiple Sclerosis and it turned out had a very low sex drive. We got on amazingly well in all areas except for the fact that I was still trying to live up to a male stereotype and thinking something was wrong if I didn't want sex all the time. My wife was such an amazingly woman that she tried to support me as much as she could. Never the less we still have an amazing marriage and I could not have wished for a more supporting wife or amazing family.

Fast forward again a few years. By 32 I had changed jobs and was General Manager of Development in a public company and in charge of software development for 4 different products and IT Management of offices spanning 4 states. At 42 I started to question where I was going and what I wanted in life and decided to start my own business doing Software and Database consulting.

3 years later I was only just starting to work out what had seemed wrong all my life and started to realize that my attraction to women was actually a combination or envy and peer pressure. At this point I started to withdraw into myself while trying to figure out where things were heading. This was probably one of the hardest points in my life as I had come to the conclusion that I wasn't happy in my body and needed to change however I was scared, what would changing do to my career? How would my wife react? What would people think? Because of these unanswered questions I started to get depressed and this affected my ability to gain clients and work, put a strain on our marriage and generally affected my overall health. I made the decision to go back to working for someone else and took what was quite a drop in position to team lead in a software development company.

I started to reach out looking for support on the internet and found a number transgender groups. These ended up being a bit of a mixed blessing. Everyone offered a lot of help and the information which was what I desperately needed, however some people in these groups had had bad experiences with gaining treatment and reactions from family and work. This resulted in quite a negative view of the world and how it would react to someone coming out as Transgender which fueled my doubts and depression. During this time I started dressing in private and even tried ordering hormone treatment over the internet but quickly dropped that as a bad idea.

Then one day I came across a local Transgender Facebook group where the majority of people had quite a different view and whilst some had bad experiences most were willing to show the good side of transitioning. This helped me come to a decision that I must do something now to get my life back and throw off my depression. This is when I started my transition properly.

My first step was to talk to my daughter who had already left home by that stage, the one person I knew without a doubt would support me 100% no matter what I did. As I had thought she was amazing about it and from that day forward has given me so much support and fashion advice. Next I tried to take a slow approach to things for a time. I arranged for my daughter to invite my wife and I to a super hero's fancy dress event and she 'suggested' for a laugh that I go as cat woman and my wife as batman. Well now I went all out, cat suit, wig, breast forms, boots, makeup and so on. I loved what I saw and got some really great comments from people at the party. After that I told my wife that I liked how I looked and felt but left things at that.

I started dressing in private at home when alone, this started to cause some issue though when my wife realized I had been dressing in her cloths. So finally I got the courage up to talk to her properly which was a major step for me. If I couldn't convince her then I knew that no matter how I felt about myself I would have to go back to the way I was, our marriage and life together was far more important to me that anything else. It was touch and go for a few days, she really didn't understand. Daughter to the rescue, the tipping point was when she had a talk to my daughter who helped her realize that this wasn't about her and that I was still the same person just trying to live the way I really feel. We sat down and talked again, this time I went through a lot of how I felt and what it meant and we agreed to see the doctor about options and made an appointment.

I got all the information on HRT and informed consent I could together and took it with me to the first appointment. Our doctor who is almost 75 was really great and wanted to do everything he could to help but unfortunately he had no experience and wasn't willing to prescribe anything without getting a professional opinion so referred me to endocrinologist and ordered a full set of blood works for a baseline before I started any HRT. At this point memories of some of the more depressing discussions in the groups I first found started coming to mind and I was expecting months of delays and many visits to physiologists and having to "prove" there was something wrong with me before I could get treatment, this was in June.

I went ahead and was lucky to get an appointment with the endocrinologist in just over a week. When I go to the appointment the DR talked to me about HRT, side effects, benefits and so on all of which I was already familiar with, she was really good about it and very encouraging but as she followed the WPATH standards insisted that I see a phycologist first and said by Christmas we should be able to get started. Hart sank at that stage but I refused to give in to depression and made an appointment, I was fortunate to get in within a week due to a cancelation and had an amazing session with the phycologist going through my history and everything I understood about what was and would happen to me. At the beginning of the session he said it normally takes 3 or 4 session to give approval as they want to ensure there are not any underlying issues such as depression, anxiety and so on that need to be addressed as they would likely get worse if not treated. However by the end of that first session he was happy that I understood all the risks, side effect and that I had been suffering from gender dysphoria for a number of years but coped with it very well and I was not suffering from depression or any other issues that he was concerned with. In fact he made a point of saying that rather than trying to stop feeling bad I was instead trying to make my life better by actively feeling good and termed it as seeking gender euphorbia. He then approved my treatment on that first visit. So now back to the endocrinologist for anther consult armed with a full blood report to arrange for HRT.

This appointment unfortunately took about a month before I could get the appointment which was the longest month of my life but when it finally happened the Dr was really pleased with the report from the phycologist and after looking at the blood works and finding everything perfectly normal except for moderately high blood pressure which was being treated and under control started me on low dose estrogen patches and testosterone blockers and arranged for a follow-up in 3 months. Well of course I went right our and got the prescription filled immediately and started treatment that night. By now it was early October, almost 3 months ahead of the predicted time of Christmas, I was stoked.

The next day things were completely different. The changes from the HRT were immediate and nothing short of amazing. It's hard to describe how I felt that morning but the closest I can come is to say that everything was bright and colorful, literally when I looked around things just seemed so much clearer and everything was in focus. I was more rested than I have been for many years, calmer and just plain felt so good. And it didn't wear off over the next couple of month, I found that no matter how things went during the day or what went wrong I simply felt good, even if something managed to upset me for a short time I was able to just shake it off. My partner (we had stopped calling each other husband and wife by then) commented multiple times that I had changed completely and was so much calmer, more thoughtful and all-round way more fun to be around. At the same time I started wearing more feminine cloths out and to work, nothing really noticeable but things like black women's slacks instead of men trousers, conservative women's boots and plain women's blouses that looked a lot like men's shirts. Nobody seemed to notice.

I managed to get in for my 3 months follow-up appointment just before Christmas and with another blood test we increased my estrogen dosage then followed up with another at beginning of March where the endocrinologist was so please with my progress, I had noticeable breast growth by then, that she decided that there was little more she could do for me from here and handed my treatment back over to my GP. I was well and truly on my way.

During that 6 months period my DR put me on a health plan which gave me significant savings for 10 sessions with a speech pathologist to help with voice feminization which went very well, in fact she said I was one of her start patients. Unfortunately outside the sessions I was never able keep my voice on pitch and have been so paranoid about fluctuating as I loose concentration that I dropped trying in public. Also during this period I decided it was time to take the next step and introduce myself to the world.

First step here was to pick my new name, after a lot of thinking and throwing options around and getting nowhere I turned to google and looked for the female version of my old name (John), and came up with Jeanene so here I am now. Next step was to find out how other people would react. First person we told was my partners best friend who we both new would be fine, her reaction was a huge smile and a hug :). We then told a couple other close friends and all round everyone said they were really pleased and glad I was living the way I wanted. Now came the harder and really scary, what would happen at work?

To try and get a feel for the next stage I had the idea of throwing a new years party but with a cross dress theme, we invited my entire work round and offered prizes for the best dressed. I went the full hog, new dress shoes, did my hair, makeup etc. Well the party went down like a dream, I actually got comments saying how good a woman I made and you can probably imagine how that made me feel. Anyway around 3am when most people had left and I was talking to an amazing girls from work (who later became one of our best friends) my partner gave me a nudge and said it's time. So I told her and was answered by a loud squeal and a huge hug. At that moment I knew everything was going to be fine from then on. Over the next couple of weeks I talked to my immediate boss and told him and then spoke to my team members one at a time. All of their reactions ranged from congratulations and joy to hugs and jumping. Then covid hit Australia before I could get around to telling anyone else and we were locked away for a few weeks.

Well I couldn't put thing on pause at that point so I contacted our HR department, explained things and said I wanted to change my name. All was good except they said couldn't change name until I did an official name change as it had to match tax records but for everything else they offered full support and wanted to make certain that nobody caused me any problems and to come to them immediately if there were issues. They also asked how I would like to tell the rest of the company, by myself, telling other managers or an announcement. I said let's get it over with quickly and do an announcement so that week on the 15th of May 2020 I was introduced to the world in the company newsletter when our CEO put a section in introducing me and one line I will always remember "We are pleased to support Jeanene’s choices and manner in which she chooses to live and celebrate her life.".

This was just in time for our returning to work after covid restrictions eased here in WA which meant that I had a completely clean start to come into the office fully as me after the long bread working from home. When I did it was so amazing, people congratulated me, some said they already new and what took me so long, others wanted to arrange girls shopping days. I felt fantastic and have ever since that time.

After all that my confidence went through the roof, I was literally a new woman and could do anything. I applied for a position, and was accepted, on the Australian Computer Societies National Diversity & Inclusion council. I have been celebrated as an Champion in the Outsystems international development community, who have also celebrated me as a major woman contributor as part of International Woman's history month. And with all this new confidence I want to share my change and support with all those out there like me.

Another major step was made in December last year where I went in for an operation and had an Orchiectomy. For those that don't know what that is I'll let you google it yourself. Lets just say for now that I no longer need to take testosterone blockers. At the age of 50 this however is the only operation I will be undergoing as part of my journey as the risks and costs of full SRS are too high at this point in life and I am more than happy with who I am right now.

So this all brings me to the current day where the journey still hasn't stopped. Just this week I put in a submission to the Gender Reassignment Board which is the process we have to go through here in Western Australia to have our gender markers changed on official documents.

So that's it, my story so far, but there's lots more to come.