Transgender Day of Visibility: Allies need to be visible too!

“Thank you for respecting my life and treating me with equality. I will be celebrating my first birthday this year!”

I was extremely touched to hear this from a 30+ year old trans individual, Adheer P Jason (name changed to protect privacy)

Till a couple of years ago, what I knew was what I had heard till then - transgender was the third gender, none of the binary genders, the hijra community and the many myths associated with it. Was I aware of any of the deeper terms & facts – No, absolutely not. Never felt the need back then. 

My only impressions were formed basis, I, witnessing the interactions that took place during their ‘badhai’ visits, mostly as a child. Now I recall, I used to have so many questions in my mind but it was a taboo to talk about it. How easy it is to continue and carry forward the myths and stereotypes, you just have to NOT know or NOT try to know the facts. And I did the same, carried these perceived notions in my mind, couldn’t help, others were as ignorant as me. 

The fact that each face represents a journey of struggles, each smile is a courageous cover pulled over a pile of mostly unpleasant experiences and that their journey can be paralleled with a long road of rejection, was not something that I knew then. The fact that they also have the desire to achieve heights like all others was not known to me then.

My first meaningful interaction with a trans person took place when ‘Bindiya didi’ came over for badhai for our housewarming and she insisted that she would do a small puja ceremony for us. It was blissful – the blessings which were showered on us and then this again got repeated after my daughter’s birth. Not sure how, but Binidya didi and her group soon started visiting us to check on our wellbeing even if they were visiting someone in  neighbours. Soon I also started visiting her on different occasions. Our interactions grew and evolved. Maybe it had a larger purpose in my life!

This was the beginning of my connection and education on the community. It was appalling to hear the brutality many of the group had gone through, they were sexually abused, were forced to beg for food and shelter, family’s rejection lead them to do whatever one’s respect and dignity would not allow, I often thought how could they still hold love and compassion in their hearts.

And then a couple of years later, my role gave me space and opportunity to know more and do more in this space, it seemed to be well destined. Was fortunate to have come in contact with many role models, activists and others who are constantly working to make this world available for all. It was amazing to witness & meet many and more trans people who had broken barriers to achieve their aspirations, lead teams and organisations with their skills, potential and grit, that too in various fields. It was promising to see them normalising what ideally should have been normal.

Each trans person at workplace whom I interacted with had a story, a journey. Despite the fact that we work at the same workplace, the road they have travelled is mostly longer and harder.  How little they are understood and how little do we admit. 

No one should be rejected for who they are. Still, there is so much done consciously or unconsciously to exclude them and so little to really make them a part of society. All the statistics on increased risk and prevalence of health issues, depression and suicide in trans community are out there to refer and understand. 

No one could make through this life alone, still why and how people around become the ones to decide that everything starting from education, family acceptance,  love, career and dignity should be made so difficult for them. 

Being a trans person, in principle, is understood as related to gender identity or gender expression, but to me, it is about a painful process of going through complex situations and challenges in life to attain one’s authentic self, who one ought to be. The need and significance of allies around can't be stated enough.

When Adheer P Jason, mentioned the aforementioned words about his birthday, it was a moment of realisation for me.

Things that we take for granted like a birthday celebration that comes naturally to most of us, could be a first time for someone who is already 30+ years old.

And this because he has never felt loved, respected or worthy enough in the past. He considered his life to be a burden and celebrating life was never an option. Now with a respectful job and equitable treatment, he feels like things have fallen into place and he can also live this life. 

Could we do something to make life less difficult and more liveable for trans people? Of course each one of us can actually contribute and participate in making this society a better place to be in. Sharing what has worked for me -

1. Be open and willing to render acknowledgement and empathy to people who are different from us. And that will come only when we stop being fearful of the difference that may exist.

2. Intentionally choose to educate ourself and fortunately all this is feasible in current times, it’s easy to look for narratives, their stories to understand what systemic rejection does to an individual, what conditions they have to go through, how difficult it is for them to earn food and dignity.  There is enough and more information available to seek much-needed understanding. 

3. Seeking understanding is good. But what we may not ask anyone else, we should not ask a trans person also. Refrain from personal questions and also be ready to not receive answers to all your questions. Like any of us, each trans person may also feel comfortable or uncomfortable in answering many questions.

4. Work towards breaking our subconscious response patterns towards people from the trans community. Pause, Reflect & then Respond. 

5. Choose to use our voice and our privilege for their inclusion in every possible chance. Remember the larger objective of each person’s right to food, opportunities and dignity. 

6. Choose to ask for preferred names and pronouns and not assume. A trans person struggles to get accepted in one’s authentic gender and a small mistake of calling a trans person with dead (given) name or an incorrect pronoun may lead to huge impact. I remember hearing it from a trans person – “When my manager calls me with my preferred name and preferred pronoun, then even if I am being given feedback for my work, it sounds music to me as my larger struggle in life, the struggle of getting accepted in my authentic gender is being fulfilled”. 

7. Remember to thank community members when they disclose their journey or about their gender transition to you. Genuinely thank them for their trust and maintain confidentiality. What has been shared with you is meant only for you unless there is an agreed action required. 

Have heard from people around me that if they know who is a trans-person or , they will be cautious. Well, it’s not about knowing about the other person and then modifying our approach. It is about normalising the discussions, not letting even small indicative comments, jokes about the community members, creep into our discussions and making it inclusive always. It’s about creating a level playing field for all.

The matter of fact is, that when a trans person transitions, everything around also need to transition, expand and evolve - the mindsets, the infrastructure, the openness in discussions and the opportunities. It’s a long road before it becomes an equitable world for trans community and till then all days which can re-inforce the importance of conscious inclusion are essential.

Transgender day of visibility is and other days of significance are important to thank the predecessors for what they did and as allies to commit to normalise this largely disconnected, marginalised community. There is, indeed, a constant need of vocal and visible allies, everywhere and everyday! While there is an increased awareness on the ways that transgender people are being talked about, thought about, communicated with and treated but we are not done, not yet!

What do you think each one of us can do to be an ally?

All ideas, thoughts and comments matter. Do share!