Transforming Toxicity - A 5-step framework for transforming toxicity to candor

Read or scroll to the end for an AI prompt you can use

Here is something one or more of my colleagues, quite reasonably, might think about me sometimes:

"Friggin' Joshua! He always takes on too much work and then never finishes it on time. It really ticks me off because his unfinished tasks always end up falling on me, adding to my already overloaded workload. He has got to stop being so irresponsible!"

Communication is the cornerstone of working together, but I think most of us can agree that not all communication is created equal. Toxic statements can damage relationships, create a hostile environment, and hinder problem-solving. On the other hand, candor—being both honest and respectful—can foster trust, collaboration, and positive change. This article explores the difference between toxic and candor statements, the value of candor, and the reasons why I think it's well worth the effort convert toxic thoughts into constructive feedback. I believe this so strongly, that I'm also providing you with a 5-step framework to transform your own toxic thoughts into candor that can be used to create positive change.

Understanding Toxicity vs. Candor

Toxic Statements: These are often characterized by blame, disrespect, generalizations, and a lack of constructive purpose. They tend to be emotionally charged and focus on attacking or criticizing individuals rather than addressing the issue. For example, consider this statement about a boss’s behavior:

Toxic Statement: "My boss doesn’t care about us at all. They just yank people off our team without replacing them, leaving us to pick up the pieces and deal with the fallout. It’s like they enjoy making our lives miserable."

Candor Statements: In contrast, candor statements are constructive, respectful, and specific. They focus on the issue at hand and propose solutions, expressing personal or team feelings and needs without blaming or attacking others.

Why should I bother with candor when I'm upset? Can't I just vent sometimes?

When emotions run high, it’s natural to want to express those feelings. However, framing feedback with candor ensures that communication has a better chance of leading to productive change rather than escalating conflict. Here’s why it’s worth the effort:

1. Building Trust and Relationships: Candor fosters trust and respect by addressing issues constructively. When employees feel heard and respected, they are more likely to trust their colleagues and leaders, creating a positive work environment. This trust is crucial for team cohesion and productivity.
2. Effectiveness: Candor is more likely to lead to positive outcomes because it focuses on finding solutions rather than assigning blame. By clearly communicating needs and proposing specific actions, candor statements help in addressing the real problem and facilitating constructive changes.
3. Emotional Health: Venting anger in a toxic manner can increase stress and negative emotions, both for the speaker and the listener. In contrast, candor helps in managing and expressing emotions constructively, promoting a positive atmosphere where people feel heard and respected. This reduces stress and improves overall emotional health.

The Value of Candor

1. Long-Term Benefits: While immediate venting might feel satisfying, it often leads to long-term negative consequences, such as damaged relationships and a toxic work culture. In contrast, candor leads to better problem-solving, stronger relationships, and a more positive work environment.
2. Productive Outcomes: Toxic statements are likely to result in defensiveness and further conflict, making it difficult to address the underlying issues. Candor facilitates productive dialogue and problem-solving, leading to constructive changes and improvements.
3. Professionalism and Respect: Toxic statements undermine professionalism and can be perceived as unprofessional or disrespectful, damaging one’s reputation and credibility. Candor demonstrates professionalism and respect, enhancing one’s reputation as a thoughtful and constructive team member.

Converting Toxicity to Candor: A Framework

To help convert toxic thoughts into candor statements, here’s a simple framework:

1. Identify the Toxic Thought or Statement: Recognize the negative or harmful statement.
2. Understand the Underlying Emotion or Concern: Reflect on what is causing this reaction.
3. Reframe into an "I" or "We" Statement: Shift the focus to expressing personal feelings or team concerns.
4. State the Impact: Explain how the situation affects you or the team.
5. Construct a Request for Success: Clearly state what you need in order to be successful.

Example 1: Joshua's "irresponsibility"

Toxic Statement: "Joshua always takes on too much work and then never finishes it on time. It's incredibly frustrating because his unfinished tasks always end up falling on us, adding to our already overloaded workloads. He needs to stop being so irresponsible."

Conversion Process:

1. Identify the Toxic Thought: The thought is that Joshua takes on too much work, fails to complete it, and this impacts others.
2. Understand the Underlying Emotion: The underlying emotions could be frustration and feeling overwhelmed.
3. Reframe into an "I" Statement: "I feel frustrated when tasks that Joshua takes on are not completed on time."
4. State the Impact: "This adds to my workload and makes it difficult for me to manage my own responsibilities."
5. Construct a Request for Success: "In order to be successful, I need us to have a clearer distribution of tasks and for Joshua to manage his workload more realistically or ask for help when needed."

Candor Statement: "I feel frustrated when tasks that Joshua takes on are not completed on time. This adds to my workload and makes it difficult for me to manage my own responsibilities. In order to be successful, I need us to have a clearer distribution of tasks and for Joshua to manage his workload more realistically or ask for help when needed."

Example 2: Our boss doesn't care about us

Toxic Statement: "My boss doesn’t care about us at all. They just yank people off our team without replacing them, leaving us to pick up the pieces and deal with the fallout. It’s like they enjoy making our lives miserable."

Conversion Process

1. Identify the Toxic Thought: The thought is that the boss doesn't care about the team and makes decisions that negatively impact the team's workload and morale.
2. Understand the Underlying Emotion: The underlying emotions could be frustration, feeling undervalued, and overwhelmed.
3. Reframe into an "I" Statement: "I feel frustrated when team members are moved without replacements."
4. State the Impact: "This puts a lot of pressure on the remaining team members and affects our ability to maintain productivity and morale."
5. Construct a Request for Success: "In order to be successful, I need us to plan transitions better and ensure we have the necessary resources in place before making staff changes."

Candor Statement

"I feel frustrated when team members are moved without replacements. This puts a lot of pressure on the remaining team members and affects our ability to maintain productivity and morale. In order to be successful, I need us to plan transitions better and ensure we have the necessary resources in place before making staff changes."

Insights from Experts

Writers and researchers such as Patrick Lencioni, Daniel Goleman, and Brené Brown emphasize the importance of candor and effective communication. Lencioni argues that trust, which is built through honest and respectful dialogue, is crucial for team success. Goleman highlights emotional intelligence as a key factor in managing emotions and communicating effectively, while Brown advocates for vulnerability and openness as paths to building stronger connections.

Flipping the Script: Helping Convert Someone Else's Toxicity into Candor, The Importance of Other Perspectives in Effective Communication

Effective communication is a two-way street. When confronted with toxic communication, you can try to understand the other side's perspective and even try and work to convert their toxicity into candor. By working to see things from someone else's perspective, instead of retreating to a defensive posture or attacking back with more toxicity, we can foster a more empathetic and collaborative work environment.

Boss's Perspective

When the boss needs to make changes due to larger business needs or unavoidable employee issues, they might face backlash from their team. Here's how the boss might be thinking:

Boss's Toxic Statement: "My team is always whining about workload and transitions. They are never satisfied and constantly complain instead of just getting the work done. They don't understand that these changes are unavoidable and necessary for the business."

What would that look like after going through the 5-step transformation?

Candor Statement: "I notice that the team feels stressed when transitions happen without replacements. This feedback is important because it affects team morale and productivity. To help us navigate these necessary changes, I need the team to understand that sometimes changes are unavoidable due to circumstances outside of my control and sometimes for reasons I can't share for reasons of confidentiality. I will strive to improve communication and provide as much context as possible while planning transitions more effectively to minimize disruptions."

By taking the team's perspective and addressing their concerns with candor, the boss can build trust and improve the team's adaptability to change.

Joshua's Perspective

Joshua feels under pressure and unappreciated by his colleagues. Here's how Joshua might be thinking:

Joshua's Toxic Thought: "My colleagues are always dumping on me about my incomplete work They don't realize how much pressure I’m under! It’s unfair to call me irresponsible when they keep asking me to take on more work and then have the nerve to complain when I don’t finish things on time."

What would that look like after going through the 5-step transformation?

Candor Statement: "I feel overwhelmed when additional tasks are assigned while I’m struggling to complete my current workload. This makes it difficult for me to prioritize effectively and meet deadlines. In order to be successful, I need us to have a clearer distribution of tasks and realistic expectations about what can be accomplished within given timeframes. I would appreciate more understanding and support from the team in managing my workload."

By expressing his feelings and needs constructively, Joshua can foster better understanding and support from his colleagues.

A Culture of Candor

Fostering a culture of candor within the workplace can lead to truly great things. By understanding the difference between toxicity and candor, and using a structured approach, such as the 5-step process, to reframe communication, employees and leaders alike can transform negative interactions into constructive dialogues. This transformation not only improves individual relationships but also strengthens the entire organization. Embracing the perspectives of others and helping them convert their toxicity into candor can further amplify these benefits. As we continue to navigate the complexities of workplace dynamics, let us commit to practicing candor and encouraging others to do the same, paving the way for a more positive and productive future.

P.S. Of course, there's a prompt for that

I created and tested a prompt that you can use to help you, or anyone else, transform what may be a toxic thought (or maybe just a thought that isn't well developed yet) into an effective candor statement. Here it is. If you try it out, I'd love feedback on if you find it useful and how I can make it better.

P.P.S.

Better than peeing in the plants...