Transforming Splitters into Peacemakers

Identifying and transforming splitters into peacemakers is the topic of this post. As you’ll see in my story, they can be tricky to spot and oftentimes it isn’t until they’ve done their dirty work.

Did you ever get sucked into some juicy gossip and then see it backfire? UG! That’s what happened to me. And while I’m so embarrassed, it’s such a good learning moment.

I had an employee who was always telling me how wonderful I am. She would smile such a sweet smile and say “You are so smart and perceptive. I bet you can always tell when people are lying or being deceptive.”

I would stand up straighter, nod my head in the affirmative, and say with profound modesty “Yup.”

Then Janice would tell me about all the issues with the staff that happened when I was traveling around the country to work with teams and leaders.

Her response was always, “You know how much I care about you. Don’t worry, I’ve got your back.”

Listen, if you ever hear those words from someone, I beg you, be careful.

They sound soothing. Yet, real BS.

Finally, a staff member and I were having coffee, just taking a peaceful break and she said, “I hear you and Janice are at odds with each other.”

I guess at times of surprise I’m not so eloquent. I looked at Lois and merely went, “Huh?”

Then I got an earful about everything I ever did that was not perfect, actually everything I ever did that was, well, merely human.

And suddenly, it hit me. I had been lulled into dreamland by a splitter.

In my defense, I always teach that the splitter is the hardest pattern to observe and the hardest pattern to transform.

Here’s why: Splitters are especially insidious because they are so hard to spot. They’re always so congenial and helpful (at least to your face). They always want to protect you and be there when needed.

Transforming splitters into peacemakers, is it possible?

Click here to watch the video and learn how I handled the splitter.

About the Author

Searching for answers seems embedded in my DNA.

As a curious kid, I was fascinated watching how often people would make the same mistakes and complain about the same upsets time after time. I observed it in family, neighbors, at school and even in books and films. 

As I grew older I saw how specific experiences become behavior patterns that people lived by yet barely noticed. It was “same stuff, different day,” just like in “Groundhog Day.”

My fascination with the power of personal and cultural patterns deepened after my father died from a sudden heart attack when I was 14. The cause? Constant conflict at work.

My determination to understand what happened and why led me to an amazing discovery: unresolved family patterns follow us to work. That’s what was behind the stress my father carried throughout his career.

Work stress became the enemy.

My search for more answers became my passion, to find ways to transform outdated, ingrained patterns that destroy health and the joy of success.

Now, I do what I do to prepare, liberate and empower leaders and teams – and to ensure no one need lose a loved one over unresolved conflict and stress at work.

—Sylvia Lafair PhD — founder of Creative Energy Options (CEOInc.) and the world’s leading authority in Pattern Aware Leadership Development, Top Global Leadership Guru and award winning author of Don’t Bring It To Work.

Read Sylvia’s columns in INC.com and The National Business Journals