Transforming My Relationship with Food Through the Lessons of Sobriety- The Rebuild Week 19.
Get in Loser, We’re Going Eating…
Last week, I spoke about my relationship with exercise and how, at times, I was using something that was supposed to be good for my health in an unhealthy manner. While writing last week’s blog, I realised that since I’ve been sober, I’ve often replaced drugs and alcohol with food. So, I decided I would reconnect with nutritionist James Kuhn. James helped me get into the best shape of my life a couple of years ago. A lot has changed in the last two years, though, and after realising I was developing unhealthy obsessions with my fitness goals, I need to change my approach.
I know I’ve used food as a coping mechanism for a while now. Often, you’ll notice people swap out an addiction for an alternate habit. Sometimes, it’s exercise, sometimes food, sometimes it’s a combination of these two things and a plethora of other things, and I’m probably guilty of all of it.
I’m not for a second suggesting that someone shouldn’t get sober out of fear of replacing their vice with another less harmful or healthy vice. There was a period in the early stages of my sobriety where I wouldn’t have cared if I lived off sweetened condensed milk if it meant I maintained my sobriety. I was willing to do whatever I had to to get through those early days, and if that meant further embedding those unhealthy relationships with food and exercise, then so be it.
As I sit here with 498 days of sobriety, I am undoubtedly healthier than ever, particularly mentally. But I know deep down that the same core problems steered me towards using food as a coping mechanism that led me towards drugs and alcohol for that exact reason. Essentially, I am still using unhealthy coping mechanisms to avoid complex thoughts and feelings. If I want to maintain my sobriety, I need to figure out what’s driving this pattern of behaviour so I can then figure out how to repair it.
When I first got sober, I knew I had underlying mental health issues I wasn’t addressing. I knew I was using drugs and alcohol to avoid those issues, and I knew I had no hope of doing any of the necessary work with a mind corrupted by substances.
Over the last 16 months, I have actively tried to get through as much of that work as possible. Writing this weekly blog has been a massive part of that. Now, I find myself in a stalemate where the progress has slowed, and although that’s to be expected as time goes on, I know that the only thing preventing my progress from continuing are barriers that I have put in place myself.
So, over the next little while, I want to use this blog to help me navigate my relationship with food in the same way it helped me so much with sobriety. I will set time aside to reflect on my choices and how I felt when I made them. I’ll consider what happened leading up to good and bad choices to identify what triggers me to devour my feelings.
It mightn’t be every week, but when I think something is worth sharing or could benefit others, I’ll be sure to share it. I hope you guys are keen to come along and help me figure this shit out along the way.
The Problem
I’ve realised there is a pattern in my behaviours where I make poor choices when stressed and tired and do not prioritise my physical and mental health. Just because I don’t drink or take drugs anymore doesn’t mean I’m some fucking mental Hercules who is immune to the frailties of my mind. It’s a problem because, to a lesser extent, I am still repeating these same patterns I engrained when I was drinking and taking drugs.
The problem with food is you have to eat it. You can’t just quit food cold turkey. We can leave almost all the relationships we have. You can end relationships with people, substances, social groups, and exercise, but you can not just end your relationship with food. You can avoid heroin or the casino but can’t prevent the basic human need to eat. So, when you have an unhealthy relationship with food, it’s probably the one relationship that you can’t just walk away from. You’re stuck with it. So you either continue living in that toxic relationship or do the work to improve it.
I’m not hopelessly overweight. I’m still relatively fit. In the period between February, when I injured my back and maybe four weeks ago, I put on 9kg. I’ve since lost three of them, but it would be nice to get back to the weight I was at in February, but not because it’s a magical number that makes all things in life better; we all know this is sheer horsecock; but because I felt great back then.
I spoke with my nutritionist about a week ago. Since then, I have been trying to be conscious of how I feel when I eat and crave certain foods, and so far, I have noticed a few main things.
I’m finding that I often eat because of the time of the day because this is what we do. We’re conditioned to do this from birth. Our parents did it, and so did their parents. We go to daycare as toddlers, where we have fixed periods dedicated to stopping and eating, and for most of us, this continues for the rest of our lives.
I remember in primary school, a kid had chicken nuggets wrapped in foil for lunch, and it blew my fucking mind. My eight-year-old brain couldn’t comprehend that having anything other than a sandwich for lunch was possible. At that age, I also didn’t realise you could have cereal or a sandwich in the evening. That was blasphemy to me.
Some will argue that eating before you get hungry is a good thing. There’s a belief that if we wait until we are hungry to eat, we’ve gone too long without food, and this increases our risk of overeating because we get to a point where we are too hungry to care what we eat. It affects our decision-making.
On the other hand, we risk conditioning ourselves to think we should be eating purely because it’s a specific time of day. For example, many people have set breaks at work, which is their only eating opportunity.
I would often do this back when I was working in the field with the team. Everyone would stop to eat, so you eat because that’s what the time is allocated for. I sometimes struggled to get through my food, but I would constantly battle through out of fear of being hungry later on.
Fortunately, now I am in a position where I can eat when I want to, which is hugely beneficial to me in establishing why I eat, when I eat and how I feel before and after.
Most of what I eat is good food. My staple meals are excellent. When I am at work, I eat well. I take a week’s worth of fruit to work on a Monday morning, I have a big container of mixed nuts in the drawer at my desk, I premake smoothies for breakfast, and our dinners are always pretty well-rounded, nutrient-dense.
The most challenging times for me when it comes to eating shit are between getting home from work and dinner and then between dinner and going to bed. This is particularly bad because eating within three hours of when you go to sleep means digesting food whilst sleeping, which compromises sleep quality.
It’s no coincidence that these two dangerous periods of the day are when I am not busy. Even when I was drinking and using drugs, I struggled much less when I was busy. When I had nothing important or time-sensitive to pour my energy into, I was most susceptible to having that first drink—anything to avoid being alone with my thoughts.
This is no different. When I’m bored, I crave junk food, and I believe it’s because I’m craving dopamine and not food. That’s why I crave junk. I crave things that require minimal preparation and are high in flavour. Things like chocolate, ice cream and potato chips.
It’s a common trait of people with ADHD to go extended periods without eating when hyperfocused on something. Still, when that hyperfocus wears off, we realise we are starving, and this is when we are susceptible to bingeing. This is something I’ve experienced first-hand, especially when work is busy. Going all day without food, then get home and eat 1000 calories of junk before dinner.
Having ADHD means my brain struggles to regulate its uptake of dopamine. This is why we are impulsive and why I believe neurodiverse people struggle with addiction(ADHD is found in 2.5% of the population but found in 25% of addicts). If I’m struggling for dopamine, some foods are designed to force dopamine to spike in our brains, right down to the packaging. Just like drugs, alcohol and gambling, some foods are designed to trick our brains into feeling good, but these are short-term, non-sustainable sources.
I get unhealthily obsessed with things real quick. Often, I drop them real fast, too—another ADHD trait.
I noticed this between dinner and bedtime the other day, and I was craving dopamine-inducing foods. I was at my calorie intake limit for the day. It was too early to go to bed, but I couldn’t stop thinking about having something to snack on.
Then, my brain came up with the idea of going to bed… at 6:30 pm. The logic behind the idea is that I can’t eat junk in my sleep. I would if I could, believe me.
I realised I had already become obsessed with how much food I could eat during the day. Sure, I know I wasn’t hungry, and I know I was craving dopamine more than the food itself, but the idea of sacrificing precious family time so that I didn’t eat a few too many calories that day is just fucked up.
I didn’t act on the thought and would like to think I never would. But the idea itself was unsettling to me. The whole purpose of tracking calories and figuring out why I eat what I eat and when is to improve my quality of life, not to detract from it. I was already starting to have contradictory thoughts and uncomfortable thoughts.
I’ve also found myself trying to push meals out later and later to save calories in case I feel like eating junk. Again, this goes against what I am trying to achieve. As it stands, I’ve got it all wrong. I eat when I’m not hungry, and then when I’m hungry, I try to punish myself by not eating for as long as possible to save calories for later in the day, so I can eat some shit that’s not good for me.
As soon as I got injured in February, I started gaining weight. I am guilty of trying to outwork a bad diet. It doesn’t work. Even though I knew this, I kept trying to prove it true.
I didn’t adjust my intake relative to my output, resulting in weight gain. Even though I was fully aware that I was burning far fewer calories, I knew the risk I was taking; I didn’t have the discipline to be honest enough with myself about the adjustments I would need to make to intake, just like I avoided being honest with myself about my substance use.
Exercising so you can eat more is unhealthy; sometimes, I have been guilty of doing just that. The irony is ridiculous: I was too mentally lazy to adjust what I ate but not too physically lazy to go and burn 1,000 calories by running for an hour. That has to change.
The Goal
The goal is simple.
Improve my relationship with food by improving my relationship with myself and strengthening my self-awareness, to be honest with myself about the motivation behind what I eat and when.
To find a sweet spot between enjoying the food I like without feeling guilty and not using food as a reward for an overly active or stressful day. Where 80% of what I eat is planned and structured, and 20% is up to me. I am taking the decision away from myself.
To maintain a healthy weight without the need for exercise. I love exercising to manage my mental and physical health, but I often rely on it too heavily. I need to get to a place where, if I’m unable to exercise for a period of time, I’m not at risk of gaining weight.
This Week's Actions
It’s all good for me to sit here and prattle on about all this shit I am aware of. But putting the knowledge into practice is much more complicated. I often find with self-help, nutrition/diet, and exercise style content, there’s an abundance of inspirational and motivational shit out there, but often people are left looking at some jacked-up steroid abuser thinking, “Oh cool, sound great, but what the fuck do I actually do?” There’s a lack of simple, tangible takeaways for people to implement into their own lives.
I’m no expert, and I am certainly not giving advice. I’m just stating what I will try to do based on nothing but what I think I should do—as always, focusing on small, incremental behavioural changes.
As mentioned above, I’ve got things the wrong way around. I will try to stop and think before I eat and ask myself a few simple questions. Why do I want to eat? Am I hungry, or do I think I should eat because it’s “lunchtime” and then decide based on the answers to those questions?
They say if you’re not hungry enough to eat an apple, you’re not hungry. I will try to think of this during the afternoon or evening when I start craving those dopamine-inducing foods. Self-talk is powerful both ways. Explaining to myself that I’m not hungry and simply craving dopamine is powerful.
I have a beautiful little family and a lounge room full of shit we can play with. I don’t want to waste time contemplating whether to eat something instead of being present and creating memories with my family.
I will only look at my calorie-tracking app once a day. I need to learn to live daily without limiting myself and trust that my body will let me know when it’s time to eat and how much.
I only want to exercise for 30–40 minutes a day. Thirty minutes is easy to implement into a daily routine. I can knock it out before work so it doesn’t impede on family time. It’s not too demanding on my body, and this way, I can’t go for a 90-minute run or spend time away from my family to burn 1500 calories so I can reward myself for being an idiot by eating shitty food too close to bed.
Wish me luck!
What is your relationship with food like? Do you have any advice for me? I’d love to hear how other people navigate this tricky terrain!
Thanks for reading!
Cheers Wankers.
X.
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