Transforming Holiday Tensions Into Opportunities for Growth

For many of us, spending time with family is not always a holiday (in the British sense of the word). If you’re feeling a bit anxious about spending more time than usual with your family, rest assured that you’re probably not alone in feeling this way.

Theodore Roosevelt said “Comparison is the thief of joy,” and there’s nothing like a holiday meal to bring out the comparing mind. In the domains of money and work in particular, it’s common to find ourselves comparing our financial and professional achievements with those of family members.

But one of the things that I love about both the logical and psychological dimensions of money is that our challenges in this area can actually become a catalyst for personal and professional growth.

Here are 5 ways to channel your inner?alchemist and turn your family challenges into golden opportunities for growth:

1. Embrace the Success of Others: When you catch yourself comparing your income/house, for example, to your sibling’s, turn into the skid (!) and say this silently to yourself: I wish my brother even more success than he has. Say this with sincerity and be patient with the results. This is a counter-intuitive strategy that has dissolved my comparing mind in many situations.?
2. Cultivate Compassion: When you feel judgment from another family member, perhaps for lifestyle choices like renting rather than owning a home, or spending more than usual on a vacation, aim to cultivate compassion for this person and for yourself. Then, remind yourself of the benefits you’ve enjoyed by not buying a home. For example, maybe renting has given you the ability to take jobs that are less stressful or perhaps you really enjoy the freedom from the time/money burdens of home ownership.?
3. Practice Beginner’s Mind: If you become aware that you’re judging another, imagine seeing this person as if you’re meeting them for the first time (kind of a wild idea, I admit, if it’s your parents, siblings, or kids). One more remedy: interrupt yourself in the midst of a judging train of thought, and name one inner quality you appreciate about this person. When we sense the goodness or wholeness of another person, this often segues to feeling more connected to them.
4. Redirect Judgment: When we feel uncomfortable at a gathering, we sometimes default to judging another as a way to lessen or suppress our own challenging feelings. Notice this tendency in yourself. This recognition, in itself, is an expression of emotional intelligence, and often recognizing when we judge someone will soften the judgment.
5. Accept Gift-Gifting Emotions: Then there’s the anxiety over gift-giving. Did I give too much or too little compared to others? In this case, recognize that so many of us experience shame, frustration, fear, and anxiety when the topic of money arises. We initially encountered money as young children when it seemed confusing, emotional, and even taboo, yet significant. So how could it not trigger shame for us as adults? This is an opportunity to directly sense the difficult feeling and not try to get rid of it. That’s right, experiencing the physical sensations of the feeling of shame or fear, for example, without commenting on the feeling, eventually lessens its intensity and opens the door to insight.

If a money decision by someone (like buying a second home or a flashy new car) inspires you, wait a few weeks and see if the glow of the idea is still shining. This cultivates the inner quality of resilience and also saves you from spending money on things that don’t completely align with your values.?

May these coming weeks bring a sense of ease, and a sense of enough.