The Transformational Magic of Empathy

How to Slow Down, Tune In, and Transform Suffering

Do you feel conflicted about what to say or when people you love are suffering? You don't want to exacerbate the pain, right? Yet it can be scary to just listen, witness, and not try to change the situation. It takes somatic superpowers!

Empathy is scary if you think you are going to be overwhelmed with emotion...but it doesn't have to be that way at all. It can start so easily, with just tuning into sensations in your own body.

Witnessing others with empathy is one of the most powerful things we can do to transform a painful situation. While it's difficult to do so, I believe we need to try.

Unfortunately, people get impatient when you “do nothing,” and to be honest, I do too. When I have pain in my heart, or pain in my hip joint, I want it to go away ASAP. The problem is, often what we do to make it go away just makes it worse.

So what can you do instead?

Here are three easy steps to practice when witnessing suffering:

1) Slow down

2) Feel your body

3) Ask your muscles to do 1% less

Let me explain how and why this works. It's a basic practice in the Alexander Technique, which I've been teaching for 24 years.

It cultivates a stronger relationship between the voluntary and involuntary sides of your nervous system. These are technically called the somatic and autonomic systems.

It's better to practice this skill when the stakes are low so you can use it when the stakes are higher, like when strong emotion is present. This video guides you in a more complex walking activity to show you what I mean in practical terms.

The somatic and autonomic sides of your nervous system are in constant dialogue. You can't really separate them from each other.

Your somatic nervous system controls your voluntary muscles. Your autonomic system controls all your organs, involuntary muscles, and other tissues in your body.

One example of how they work together is eating. You open your mouth with voluntary musculature, but once the food is inside you, your autonomic system takes over to digest it.

Another example is postural sway, which I address in the video. This is a subconscious motion that underlies the voluntary aspects of balance.

Your postural system constantly adjusts your center of weight in relationship to the force of gravity - without you having to think about it at all.

This is going on all the time, whether you are asleep, watching TV, walking, or doing back flips. All you need to do is tune in to it to benefit from it's brilliance.

Being aware of postural sway is one practical aspect of "feeling grounded" because it tells you where the ground is! Being grounded and stable actually means being available for movement, rather than being rigid, which is de-stabilizing and anxiety producing.

You can voluntarily choose to walk, or to stand still, even to freeze and hold your breath. Eventually, however, your autonomic system will take over, restoring breath motion and postural sway. Thank goodness.

Involuntary motions like breathing and digestion are going on,

and on,

and on

all the time. We are and aren’t in control simultaneously. This relationship between control and involuntary functions allows for incredible complexity.

If we had to "think" about the multitude of things that are happening inside our bodies and all around us, we'd go mad!

Thankfully, our autonomic nervous system works perfectly without us having to understand it. Yet, we have a heart-mind, the core of our central nervous systems, that longs to understand how it all works! That consciousness is wondrous too.

If you ask your voluntary musculature to quiet down just 1%, you'll feel internal motions in more detail and nuance.

The less muscular effort you use, the more internal and external sensory information you can process. The more sensory information is available to you, the more choice you have in how you respond to it.

You'll also feel more vibrant emotions, because emotion arises from sensation.

However, while the somatic and autonomic sides of our nervous system are in constant dialogue - sometimes the conversation gets one sided.

When stressed, it can be easier to just go-go-go, and keep on going. We are flooded with the stimuli of our own thoughts and movements, and we can't feel the ground we are standing on, see other people, or hear their voices.

That's why slowing down is the first step in our tuning-in process.

Another example is how, when faced with afternoon exhaustion, we check out completely, scrolling through our social media feed and completely lose awareness of what’s going on in and around us.

Eventually we come out of it, though, because we really really have to pee!

Take a moment to appreciate that moment when "your body" (your autonomic system) interrupts your busy mind. Thank you, body!

The Alexander Technique amplifies and cultivates that small but powerful choice to tune in, bringing our conscious mind into relationship with our autonomic self.

The conversation between these two parts of you is inescapable and necessary. You might as well accept and utilize it. Step into your power! It's emotional, physical, and spiritual.

Lately, with so much violence going on in the world, it is difficult and tender to be present with the suffering we witness. I feel outrage, terror, dismay. I want an enemy to blame and attack, but I too, at some point, was someone else’s enemy if I think about it.

Yet, I remember all the times folks have accepted my mistakes and my pain without trying to change me; remembering this, my heart slows down and opens to grief and gratitude.

A witnessed body is much more able to soften, open, and consider new possibilities. A softened body is a much better place from which to plan action.

Reach out and ask a close loved one to witness and hear you if you need support. Let them know all you need is to be heard.

Practicing the Alexander Technique has helped me be a better witness to myself and for others; if you feel support in this area would be helpful, please reach out. I teach online, and in NYC.