Transform Feedback Conversations: Overcome Your Fear of Conflict

Throughout my career, I’ve continuously heard people say how uncomfortable they are or even fearful when it comes to providing feedback. I wonder if part of this is because we’ve grown up hearing that feedback is constructive criticism, which makes it sound one-sided and negative. Despite numerous conversations and training emphasizing the importance of effective, two-way feedback, this remains an area for improvement for many leaders. Imagine how differently we would have shaped our environments if we had grown up hearing that feedback is a mutual conversation aimed at growth and understanding for both parties.

Being unaware of how to navigate a two-way feedback conversation is one of the various factors that contribute to people’s reluctance in providing feedback. Many struggle with communication and lack confidence in conveying their message effectively, leading them to avoid these conversations altogether. Additionally, the mindset that feedback is only about one person sharing their perspective or offering ‘constructive criticism’ makes people uncomfortable, as they perceive these interactions to be negative. Since a large population fears conflict, people tend to avoid conversations that lead to opposing views. Finally, some believe that given time, issues will resolve themselves, leading them to sidestep the feedback process entirely.

Regardless of the reasons behind it, we’ve all been on the receiving end of ineffective feedback as team members. I once had a boss who only wanted to share his feedback without understanding why I made certain decisions. He didn’t lean in to coach me; he just wanted me to accept his feedback and move on, without knowing what I was expected to do differently next time. What I’m about to share isn’t to make fun of him but to illustrate how leaders create their own coaching environments and should take responsibility if things go sideways. Every time this leader was frustrated, uncomfortable, or nervous, his forehead twitched. Literally twitched. You can imagine how uncomfortable that made feedback sessions. But to be clear, it wasn’t just the twitch—it was the combination of knowing my boss was uncomfortable and the lack of coaching that occurred in that environment.

From these interactions, I coined three quotes:

"It's not a thing until it's a thing," - because he made everything a thing, which created a toxic workplace and made it hard to navigate. Not every piece of feedback has to be such a thing. What if we just considered it any opportunity to? realign with your team member?

"What you call excuses, I call insight," - because he never wanted to hear my perspective and was more worried about his reputation of saying he handled it without really coaching through something. How can someone learn if you don't take the time to know why they might have done something to begin with?

"Leaders should own their behavior before they coach others on theirs." - because he didn’t own his missed opportunities to support me better. How powerful is it to have everyone talk about the missed opportunities and gain commitments to support and hold each other accountable??

Effective feedback is essential for growth and success in any organization. To make a real impact, leaders should consider these three key aspects of providing feedback:

1.??Timing:?Feedback should be given promptly to be effective. Delaying feedback can diminish its impact and relevance. Providing timely feedback ensures that the context is fresh in everyone's mind, making the conversation more meaningful and actionable.?

How this benefits the leader: By providing prompt feedback, a leader fosters fairness by addressing situations while they’re still fresh, preventing team members from feeling blindsided and ensuring they can learn from the experience while it’s still relevant. This approach allows leaders to have more constructive and supportive conversations while promoting a culture of continuous improvement. It also reinforces the leader’s role as an engaged and proactive manager.?

2.??Self-Reflection and Transparency:?Leaders should reflect on their behavior and approach. Before offering feedback, consider whether you have set clear expectations and provided the necessary support. Be open and transparent with your team member about areas where you, as a leader, could have done better. This might include setting better expectations, ensuring the team member was comfortable with a task, identifying areas for support and shadowing, and more. This self-awareness and transparency can prevent defensive reactions and foster a more open dialogue. Owning your behavior could be as simple as saying, "I don't know that we've ever reviewed this together before, so maybe we take the time to do that."

How this benefits the leader: Being self-reflective and transparent helps a leader build trust and credibility with the team, cultivates a culture of mutual respect, and enhances the leader’s self-awareness and personal growth. It also helps identify gaps in leadership skills and offers an opportunity for continuous learning and development. Creating alignment in this way promotes accountability, enabling you to refer? to the conversation when assessing future outcomes.

3.??Curiosity:?Curiosity plays a vital role in feedback. Approaching feedback with a curious mindset rather than a judgmental one can transform the interaction. It shows that you are interested in understanding the reasons behind actions, which can lead to more constructive conversations and solutions.?

How this benefits the leader: Showing genuine interest in understanding the reasons behind actions sparks a collaborative atmosphere and leads to more constructive conversations and solutions helping the leader develop deeper insights into their team’s motivations and opportunities. It encourages a culture of continuous improvement and innovation within the team.

I truly believe feedback is only constructive when it nurtures growth and mutual understanding, aligning everyone on the way forward. When we keep this in mind and deliver feedback timely, owning our own behaviors first, and approaching each conversation with curiosity, we create an environment that not only enhances team performance but also strengthens leadership capabilities, fostering a more resilient and adaptable organization.?

“Feedback isn’t one-sided criticism; it’s a tool for growth and mutual understanding. Deliver it promptly, own your own behaviors first, and be curious—listen to learn.”

Ready to overcome your fear of conflict and elevate your leadership to better unite your team? Embrace feedback with a mindset of curiosity and growth, and you’ll be well on your way to Enhancing You and Uniting Us.