Transactional vs. Transformational Conversations

Imagine if the only time you talked to your significant other or a friend was to ask for something. How might they feel about that? How would you feel if you were the one being asked??

During several recent sessions of Conversational Intelligence, participants asked “How do you shut down a conversation with someone who isn’t the decision maker?” “How do I get past the gatekeeper who can’t help me?”?

In one situation, the “someone” was the business owner’s son and the person asking the questions was a salesperson.?While I am not a salesperson, alarms were going off in my head.?Wouldn’t you want to talk to anyone who works closely with or is related to your customer or stakeholder??Wouldn’t it be worth spending some time to get to know them as well?

So, I asked the question “What if the father died unexpectedly? Who would be your customer?” Long pause.?I went on to ask “What might be the value of building a relationship with the son? Who might own the business one day? What conversations might be taking place at the dinner table that you aren’t aware of?”

We often think that because someone isn’t the final decision maker, that they don’t need to be part of the conversation. Yet we don’t know what conversations are taking place in our absence.? ?These questions reminded me that there are different ways to look at every conversation. Our conversations can be?“transactional” or “transformational”.

Transactional Conversations:

The only time you engage is when you need something. It is how things get done in the short term.?You are trying to get as much as you can from the other person in exchange for as little as possible on your end. It can be a way of staying on task and not wasting other people’s time.?

The downside is that you aren’t really investing in each other or the relationship. Your interactions are focused more on completing your “to-do” lists than they are in making connections. These types of interactions can breed resentment and distrust.?People can start to feel “used”, negatively impacting your reputation and leaving a stain on your character (more on this next month).

Transformational Conversations: ?

These conversations are more about building connections. ?You take the time to let the other person know that you care about them and respect them. ?These conversations make people feel safe. ?I often say, “you get what you give”.

?If you are willing to show them respect, they are more likely to show you the same in return. ?These deeper conversations build more trusting relationships, and most people are more willing to help someone they trust.

To Create More Transformational Conversations:

• Explore:?Every person we interact with is a human “being” not just a human “doing”.?We all have a desire to be seen, heard, and appreciated. It doesn’t take that much time to ask a couple of questions to get to know someone.?Ask: "What are your priorities? Your passions??Your vision for the future?” It is a small gesture to build good will.
• Listen:?If you have asked questions, take the time to really listen. Show that you are listening by repeating their key points or statements. Ask?another question that builds on their response.?
• Look for common ground:?If you are asking questions and listening, you might discover something you didn’t know about them. You might gain some insights about what makes them tick or to connect on something that is important to you both.
• Explore next steps:?Once you have built some trust, then you can consider shifting the direction of the conversation. The shift isn’t about you, it is asking “How can I help?” This is a chance to open doors and share insights on how you can support them.?
• Thank them.?Even if you don’t get to the stakeholder or customer you hoped to reach, this person shared their time and hopefully expanded your perspective. And who knows what they might share with the person with whom you were trying to connect.
• Follow-up on commitments:?If you agreed to anything during your conversation, make sure you follow through.

The balance between building transactional vs. transformational relationships is one worth taking seriously. You might be thinking, “I don’t have time for this”. But remember, this is not just to make the gatekeeper feel good. You will be surprised by what you learn in these more genuine conversations and what positive outcomes might result from building stronger relationships outside of the primary decision maker or key stakeholder.

Invest in connection. You might be surprised what grows out of that deeper conversation.