Trans - A Father’s Journey

This article was published at work about 2-years ago. Since then my daughter has found a partner.

This is possibly the hardest and the easiest thing to write in equal measure. Hard because of the journey my family and I have been on; easy because it is the right thing to do. I’ll keep it short:

“In a nutshell – my son is now my daughter.”

What I should have written was:

“In a nutshell – my son has always been my daughter.”

But even now some dormant biases shine through.

When Kathryn (birth name Thomas) told me three years ago, I was one of the last to find out. Most of my life I was in the military and Kathryn perceived I would not accept her. The fact she felt that way stung me more than anything has ever stung me. I felt I had failed as a parent. My child was afraid to tell me who she was because she was afraid, I would reject her. How wrong could she have been and how wrong was I to not notice the signs, which as I look back were always there.

I supported her from the moment she told me. Wrapped my arms around her and told her she was my child, the person in front of me was no different, that I loved her, and I said sorry for giving an impression I would abandon or reject her. I cried.

Inside I was crest fallen and all my biases flooded into my mind; a cocktail of thoughts; thoughts I kept to myself, but ones that sent me in to turmoil.

“Is there a cure?”

“How can I fix this?”

“Will she be attacked or abused?”

“How do I protect her?”

“Why?”

“What had we done wrong as parents?”

“Was it the divorce, when she was 5?”

You name it I thought it. I was trying to rationalise why anyone would want to change and go through the physical and mental trauma of doing so. I needed to know why. I needed to be able to empathise. I needed help. But outwardly Kathryn has never witnessed my trauma, and every day my love for her calmed my concerns. She is my daughter and what she needs now and always is my support. From this day forward she would know I was with her every step of the way.

I spent hours on Google educating myself. I looked at all articles pro and anti. Then I made a doctor’s appointment and my GP helpfully pointed me at the scientific data – the factual evidence. Gender dysphoria is real. But so are the beliefs and values which shaped my life. I have never considered myself to be anything but inclusive. I have consciously ensured I treated everyone the same no matter their gender identity, religion, colour, or any other discriminator. Yet the thoughts which flooded into my mind revealed I very much had biases. Why? Because I am human, and I am a product of the world I grew up in. When I joined the Royal Air Force it was illegal to be homosexual, you could not join if you had ever taken class A drugs, nor if you had a criminal record. I will add the Royal Air Force and UK Armed Forces are now a champion of diversity; prejudices exist because all organisations are made up of individuals and they need to be guided, educated and if necessary disciplined. My point here is norms were different, and on reflection wrong.

My next step was to actively engage with the trans community, and my thanks to a lady called Aubrey cannot be over expressed. Aubrey had been through full transition. I just went up to her in a coffee queue at work and asked to chat. We spent hours over coffee going through her experience. Kathryn found it hard to talk to me, to answer my questions, because she was still fighting her demons. Aubrey had a very different experience with her parents and said she got benefit from our sessions. But for me to hear how she felt and to understand why she had transitioned despite all the obstacles she faced was a tonic. We still exchange emails professionally and for mutual support.

There is a lot more to this story. It has taken 3 years tell because we as a family have been on a private journey and only now is Kathryn presenting as a female. She feels liberated, happy, and supported. She is, after 28 years, finally herself. As for my wife, and his mother they both accepted her at once, recognising years before me that this was happening. My younger daughter, age 19, is of a new generation and this is all normal to her. As for me, I love my daughter. Am I still worried? Yes.

“Will she find a partner?”

“Will she be safe?”

“How will she cope with abuse?”

“How can I protect her?”

But those are normal parental reactions, just amplified for her.

Some reading this will wonder why I had any internal trauma; some may think well of me. For others it may trigger your biases. If it does, just ask yourself how you would react to your child telling you this news and how you would want them treated. Kathryn is one of the kindest, generous, and most considerate people I know, all she wants is to be happy. She is aware some feel threatened by her and some cannot accept her. But she navigates those issues to avoid conflict.

Why did I write this? To be honest to complete my therapy, to shine light on all my shadows. Most of all because I am proud of my daughter and her courage. Yes, courage. Finally, because I love her, and she deserves my open support. If anyone wants to talk about this, I am happy to. I am happy to hear all biases, as it is only when we face into them, we can start to understand and start to change.

If you got this far, thank you for reading.

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