The Train Ticket to Nowhere - Part 2

I was sitting on the platform at Warrnambool Train Station, waiting for a train that wouldn't arrive for another two hours. I was then going to jump on the train and head to Melbourne to get away from Warrnambool, the business, and everything else—including my family, which is the part that breaks my heart the most.

The plan was almost complete, I had walked to the station from the studio, so there was no car left out the front of the station, I had withdrawn cash so there would be no trace of my spending habits, and I had got to the station without anyone one noticing me.

Within a couple of minutes of sitting at the station, ruminating over my thoughts and feelings, my heart pounding, my breathing fast - the adrenalin pumping, my father walked through the doors of the station to the platform.

I was furious, 'The plan was foiled' I thought to myself. "I can't even manage to run away successfully despite my best planning".

Unfortunately for Dad, he copped the wrath of all that was making me seeth.

"I'm done," I told him - "I can't be here anymore', I can't be in Warrnambool".

"I'm sick of flogging myself day in and day out, yet still struggle to rub two pennies together'.

"I can't be with my family, I can't be the Dad I want to be because I'm always at work, and even when I am at work, no one seems to appreciate everything I am sacrificing to run the business, and still have a life".

I was enraged, I was yelling at the top of my lungs, tears streaming down my face, my heart rate increased further and my breathing became even more shallow.

Dad asked me what I planned to do in Melbourne, with no luggage, no toiletries and potentially no medication.

"I don't care what I do, I don't know - I'll find a hotel, buy some clothes with my cash and I will work on 'The Full Story'.

I was in the midst of producing a new episode of the program telling the story of Odi, the dog who went missing from Port Fairy on New Year's Eve (One that will be released soon) and I wanted time to work on something I wanted to do.

Even in the midst of this crisis, I was still thinking about work. I was still thinking about producing stories for the community, and in a weird way that also made me even more frustrated.

I remember saying, "Clearly I'm going mad because I still want to serve the community and tell their stories, even though we hardly make any money off any of it".

Dad tried to convince me to go home with him, but that just made me even more angry. I just wanted to be alone, and that led me to say some pretty hurtful things to him - things I am not very proud of.

As a result of what I said, he left me at the platform to catch this train that was due to arrive in about an hour's time, after all this transpired.

The fact that I couldn't even run away without someone knowing where I was or finding me added fuel to the fire, so I got up walked to the Harris Street end of the platform, and sat in the corner of the Green fence at the end of the platform and the corrugated iron fence of the property that backs onto it.

Meanwhile, I couldn't work out why my phone was showing so many notifications, or why I was getting so many missed calls and text messages from people asking if I was ok.

I had forgotten about the post I had put on Facebook, paying out to the world. By this time it had over 600 reactions - there were no comments because I disabled them because I didn't want pity from anyone, I just wanted to make a very big point - but it was very clear to anyone who follows the page that something was going down with me.

It was around this point, that I think I started to realise what I had done. It all began to dawn on me what I had said to said Dad on the platform, and what I had said or texted to my loved ones.

The anger I felt was spread to everyone I cared most about, and I started to panic, I started to second-guess myself and my plan.

I noticed that my phone only had 50% battery left, so I went into my laptop bag to find a charger to connect to my laptop to give it some juice, but there was no cord.

At the same time, I noticed my laptop only had 30% battery left, and I had no charger for that either.

"I can't go to Melbourne', I thought to myself. "I can't work without my phone or my laptop, and I don't have clothes what am I doing"? (all the stuff Dad had mentioned to me)

I got so annoyed with myself, The very thing I set out to do, I couldn't because I had no way to execute it. It gave me no choice, I had to abort my plan.

When I left the train station I still knew that I didn't want to be near anyone or speak to anyone.

I decided that I would book a room at Quest in Warrnambool for the night, in the hope they had a phone charger I could borrow.

As I walked back up Merri Street, the train I had been waiting for arrived (on time actually) and I was so annoyed that I couldn't get on it due to my absent-mindedness.

The anger I felt was still there, the adrenalin still pumped through me, and I was starting to feel lightheaded and pretty tired.

I booked my room, borrowed a charger, and went up to it. I lay down on the bed, and I was completely lost. I had no idea what was next.

By this point, Facebook had removed the post because of the reactions it was getting. It thought I had just posted something to get likes, and because our page already has Facebook's attention due to the organic reach it gets, we were already well on their radar and anything that led to a spike on a page that was already very well followed - they came down hard on it.

I was still angry. Angry with the world, with myself, the business not being able to attract new businesses to promote themselves on it, despite our numbers - Everything.

So, I re-posted the picture and the post again. I didn't want Facebook to stand in my way from showing the world how pissed off I was with it.

I then heard the train leave the station to return to Melbourne, the train I was meant to be on to be truly on my own, which got me really frustrated.

So I walked up Liebig Street, again hoping no one saw me, and again sending texts of vitriol to my loved ones, and had dinner at McDonald Central.

I then walked back to Quest, now even more annoyed that I still felt the way I did because I was still ruminating about things, still putting rhetorical questions to myself, and went straight to bed.

I didn't know that that day was only the first, of a series of things that were about to happen, and one day I will feel ok about speaking about some of them.

But at the end of that particular day, all I had to show for it was a one-way train ticket, a bunch of hurt people who were worried about me, and a head full of anger and self-hatred.

While that ticket turned out to be a ticket to nowhere that day, It now symbolises the start of the journey I am on now, which is why I have kept it.

I might not have gotten to Melbourne that day, but I would later work out that it triggered the road to recovery, and warning I needed to change my life.

I think we all have been there, I think we all have wanted to buy a ticket to get away from our problems. Sometimes they seem like it's easier to do that.

But this quote from Robin Scharma's book 'The 5 am Club' resonates with me, and describes how I was feeling that day perfectly, and continue to feel on my bad days.

"Perception isn't reality, it's your current perception OF reality, it just happens to be the lens you are looking at reality through at that moment in your life, during your ascent to world-class".

Safe to say the lens I was looking through that day, was very out of focus.