Tragedy Proofing Your Marriage - Part 2

Last week I gave you the first of seven ways to?Tragedy Proof Your Marriage, to Embrace Open Communication (missed it, read it here!).?

Let’s get right into number two.?

2. Cultivate Emotional Intimacy

I have heard the word intimacy broken down in this way …?into-me-see. I like that.?

Intimacy is a gift; it cannot be obtained by demand or force. It evokes the image that I am giving permission to another human being (in this case my spouse) to experience my truest, deepest self.?

That can be scary for many people, but there is nothing comparable to having a relationship that fosters deepening and lasting intimacy.?

This is not going to look the same for everyone. The following three topics are key areas where couples often struggle, affecting their intimacy fulfillment.

Express Affection:?Regularly showing love and appreciation through words and actions will make any marriage stronger and more satisfying. Even small gestures can make a big difference.

Here are some time-tested ways to show affection:

Physical touch:?Regularly expressing affection through hugs, kisses, handholding, sitting close together, or making eye contact that demonstrate love and connection are well known emotional intimacy builders.?

Guys, I purposely did not include sex in the physical touch category!? If you are like me, I historically interpreted any physical touch by my bride as a “green light” for sex. She could trip and accidentally brush up against me trying to get in the shower and I would take it as a signal it’s go time!?

Both time and wisdom (and a few courageous conversations) have taught me non-sexual physical touch is an exclusive category and most women desire it.? Don’t worry gentleman (and in some cases ladies!), the topic of sexual intimacy is coming.

Verbal affirmations:?Saying "I love you," complimenting each other, and expressing appreciation often certainly helps build emotional intimacy.?

Compliments should be sincere and cover a wide range of topics.?Complimenting each other on our looks or how good we smell is great, but inches deep.?

Dig a little deeper than that.?

Look to compliment your spouse on their natural giftings or abilities, accomplishments, how they have managed a tough situation or exhibited emotional regulation, or the consistency of character traits you admire.?Do this even if you think they already know it about themselves. Everyone needs to hear appreciation and encouraging words from our spouse on some level.?

Other than their own voice, the most powerful and influential words a spouse will hear likely comes out of the mouth of their partner.?

One common reason for a marriage-altering affair is that someone outside the marriage has put more effort into building an emotional connection than the spouse.

Many physical affairs start as emotional affairs. They?all?start with words.? It doesn’t have to be the case in your marriage, but it does require selflessness and effort.?

Acts of service:?Doing tasks, chores, or cooking a meal for each other without being asked can be a great way to show affection.?

Unless your cooking makes even your dog leave the room. In that case, surprise them with their favorite take-out!?

Gift-giving:?Thoughtful gifts that show care and consideration.? Please note emphasis on the word?thoughtful!? This of course should always be in alignment of your household budget. You don’t want a gesture to start a war over finances.

Supportive gestures: Being there for each other during challenging times by offering emotional support.

This can be expressed many different ways depending on the situation. Gestures might be a long hug, sharing tears while looking into each other’s eyes, or a simple hand on their shoulder.? Often the simplicity of our mindful presence with our spouse in a tough situation can bring great comfort. Comfort is a powerful form of affection.

Explore your thoughts, dreams and desires:

Be vulnerable and allow yourself to be open and share your true self. Vulnerability fosters deeper connections.

Develop a pattern of intentionally talking about your marriage and how you see your future together. Don’t wait until you’re in a major conflict to do it! ?

One great way to do that is to go out on a date and bring along “conversation starters”. You can Google the phrase and find a bunch of resources to help with this. Start with simple questions and work into deeper, more intimate topics.?

Following are some sample questions. Remember, the focus is to build emotional closeness, it’s not an interrogation or ploy to criticize one another!

What’s one of your favorite memories from our time together?

If you could have dinner with any historical figure, who would it be and why?

What’s a new hobby or skill you’d like to learn together?

What’s a childhood dream you had that you’ve never shared with me?

What was your favorite vacation we’ve taken, and what made it special for you?

If you could live anywhere in the world for a year, where would it be, why, ?and what would you do there?

If we could start a business together, what kind of business would it be?

What’s one thing you admire about me that you don’t often mention?

What do you think are my best qualities as a spouse?

Define what a great sex life looks like?to you:

I included sex under the topic of emotional intimacy because this topic, like a few others I have mentioned, also requires the willingness to be vulnerable.? It also requires the willingness to listen with the intent?to understand?one another.?

Amárillys and I have been involved in marriage coaching in some form for over 20 years. Money and sex are two of the most explosive conflicts that can arise in marriages.

I am sorry to say, the vast majority of people we have coached or casually talked with over the years do NOT have a satisfying sex life.?

I am convinced the number one reason is because most couples DO NOT talk openly and honestly about their sexual needs and desires.?

A great sex life does not happen by accident. Fulfilling sexual intimacy is a byproduct of open, intimate conversation.?

Most couples talk about sex from an adversarial position. The discussion can quickly become either an attack or defensive in nature. Unmet and unspoken expectations are usually under the surface, buried by frustration, disappointment, and a lack of trust among other things.?

It’s CRITICAL in my opinion discussions around sex are centered around a posture of it being a?gift?to one another for both to enjoy.? Find common ground, compromise where appropriate and agreed upon, and find ways to make talking about the topic fun!?

Here are some conversation starters:

How would you describe our sex life?

What would you like to try that could improve our mutual level of satisfaction in our sexual intimacy?

What are your personal boundaries (off limits) surrounding sex?

How often would you like to experience sexual intimacy?

Do you have any fantasies we could explore??

What hurdles do we face that impact our sex life??

This could include some sensitive topics that may include a lack of physical attraction or?feeling?physically unattractive, poor hygiene, challenges due to illness or physical limitations, emotional trauma, alcohol or drug abuse, conflicting work schedules, demands of small children, and many others.?

The quality and quantity of your sex life will vary over time with the ebbs and flows of life. The point here is to be brave and consistent in talking about your sexual intimacy.?

It’s important to recognize some couples may need some professional help or coaching to address the emotional intimacy within their marriage. There may be instances of trauma, chemical imbalances, and more that need to be addressed first.?Healthy, emotional connections is one of the most beautiful aspects a marriage has to offer. Don’t settle. Do whatever it takes to have the greatest intimacy possible!

Until next week, never stop living?BigBoldBrave!

~ Clint

I’d love to get your thoughts. Shoot me an email!?[email protected]