Traditions: Creating, Honoring, and Releasing

Dr. Zan’s Thoughts:

Musical theatre has always thrilled me. Yes, I’m that person who loves to be located as close as possible to the stage where I sit with a huge dopey grin on my face the entire time, unless a sad scene reduces me to tears or a difficult scene results in literal cringing. When I am at a musical, I melt into the experience, suspend all disbelief, and immerse myself completely into the story. As a result, I will never forget when I first saw Fiddler on the Roof as a child at our local community theatre and heard Tevye sing passionately of the import and vital nature of “Tradition.” It was a concept I’d never really contemplated, and while my family had some attachment to tradition, the family that I joined 32 years ago puts Tevye to shame in their honoring of and attachment to long-standing traditions. The rituals that surround Thanksgiving, in particular are well-established, highly revered, and seemingly unchangeable. And yet, we find ourselves in the midst of a time of transition. As the beautiful expansion of the family continues to emerge, our previous location can no longer contain us, and relocations of family members complicate the previous ease of gathering. So we enter a new era.

When we march toward something new, it does create the opportunity to contemplate and evaluate the traditions we have adhered to, sometimes without review. We can cast a fresh eye toward what we have gained from our repetitions, what we hope to create or foster, and what may no longer serve us in quite the same fashion it once did. As we negotiate this process, there are some questions for contemplation that have emerged for me, and perhaps you will find them helpful too.

What are we really trying to accomplish?

Often we engage with traditions and rituals for the simple reason that we have always done so. I am reminded of the story of a person who routinely cut an end off the roast before cooking it. When asked why they engaged in this practice, the answer was, “That’s the way my mother made a roast.”  Curious, however, the person was able to inquire of the mother as to why she made this cut. The mother’s reason was simple: her pan was too small to accommodate the roast she purchased. Given an adequate sized pan, there was no functional need to cut before roasting.

Sometimes we become attached to a particular tradition without thoughtful consideration of whether it hits the intended mark. During the holidays in particular, we may wish to create a sense of comfort by conducting shared time in a manner that is structured and expected. Therefore, we can relax into the experience because we can literally follow the script. Yet, for some, the sense of merely going through the motions, without attaching to the ritualized events, can create a feeling of disconnect, most likely the least intended or preferred consequence. Taking the time to determine which of our traditions lead to desired outcomes is worthwhile.

What does this tradition represent in the bigger picture?

Many of us treasure memories of early celebrations and try to replicate these for our dear ones when we become the adults in charge. Therefore, our traditions can become a representation of a joyful aspect of childhood. They might be expressions of our cultural heritage. Our traditions likely carry reminders of where we come from and our sense of identity. Consciously making the connection between a current tradition and its larger context can help us to make them even more meaningful.

Does this tradition fit who we are and who we want to be in this moment in time?

We may wish to honor traditions simply for their longevity. However, there may also be a time to release our grip on long-standing traditions, especially when they become entrenched and rigid with little regard for the precious present. We know that it is time to let go of our traditions when and if they no longer reflect our values. Perhaps there comes the time to revise our practices in a manner that continues to acknowledge history but also celebrates the present moment.

Here’s my beautiful example: I absolutely love cooking with those who are precious to me. My practice has been to cook the tried and true recipes that are familiar and comfortable--a part of my heritage. However, this time, I had the opportunity to cook with a new family member who wanted to share their traditional cuisine with me. I discovered new flavors that will surely become fast favorites with my crew. We maintained the tradition of cooking as a bonding experience but added a sufficient amount of spice and heat that I suspect there’s no turning back. And would we really want to anyway?

Dr. Nadine’s Reflections:

Ah, yes.  Tradition!  It both bonds us and divides us.  It sometimes is the glue that holds fractured or ridiculously-busy families together.  Other times it is the prison that doesn’t allow for change, growth or development in families that are evolving over time.  As our tribe enlarges, advances, matures and transforms, it’s critical that our traditions do too; they need to adapt to the fundamental changes that we all undergo, if they’re going to edify our relationships and not diminish them.  If we can reshape our traditions so they shift with us, while still remaining fundamentally the same, then they will continue to join us together in celebration of our tribe’s past, present and future.

I have the strange and wonderful joy of sharing a tradition unique to my tribe: “cleaning out the closet”.  It’s a custom that has long been in place, probably since I was pre-verbal, since I do not remember any holidays without this ritual.  Thanksgiving weekend seems to be the quintessential gathering for this convention, by virtue of its logistics. The ideal situation is to experience the “closet-cleaning” on Thanksgiving Day itself.  We begin by gathering in the early afternoon to savor a leisurely and protracted dinner. When we’ve had our fill of turkey, potatoes, stuffing, gravy, cranberry sauce and several vegetable casseroles, the dishes are then cleared and the crowd disperses.  The sports fans race to the TV to watch football. The rest of us crowd into the “chosen bedroom” (the one whose owner begged for our help getting rid of “stuff”), and sprawl on the bed, spread out on chairs, and lie on the floor, waiting with expectation for the closet doors to be opened…

We sort through the clothes waiting to be deemed worthy of retaining their spots on the racks: we debate their fashion relevance; we dispute their stylistic appropriateness; we decide on whom the item would look best.

Ok, by now I know most of you are thinking we must be nuts.  Maybe so. But this tradition illustrates everything that Dr. Zan and I are talking about.

So are you asking yourself what we’re trying to accomplish?  Well, standing in front of the closet with the purpose of trimming its excess serves the dual purposes of cleaning and connecting.  We have a shared goal and it joins my family members together in a collective celebration of family, fashion, and fun.  There’s much laughing and teasing, and the experience ends with a great sense of satisfaction and achievement. The closet gets cleaned out, and all the abandoned clothes are put up for adoption at the local rescue missions and charitable organizations.  Then we converge together over more food -- this time, over coffee and pumpkin, mincemeat and grape pies!

In the larger context, we’ve been able to adapt this tradition to the changing complexion of our tribe.  As the family composition has rearranged itself, we’ve incorporated new members into the fold, have said goodbye to others for whom this has become passé and irrelevant, or whom we’ve lost as they’ve come to the end of their lives.  This tradition has also transcended generations, and has been a thread tugging young and old together, stitching the legacy of our family into a tightly woven tapestry to be passed onto future beneficiaries.

And, finally, this delightful and extraordinary practice helps us know who we are.  It serves to define who we are as a group, a family, a tribe. It’s a unique thing that we do together.  Yet, the ritual of cleaning out the closet still allows us to acknowledge our differences and our individuality, as we express our stylistic preferences to one another (often with good-natured intensity!)

So, as we dive deeper into this holiday season, as we careen headlong into the upcoming festivities and chaotic activities, it would be marvelous to take time to reflect on our traditions: how we celebrate these special times, what they mean to us, what they reveal about us, and most importantly, how they can connect us to one another.

"A tradition without intelligence is not worth having.”  

T. S. Elliot