Toxic Step Parents

In my reading across the topic of parental alienation, I find that often, the parent is accused as the primary perpetrator. While I am certain that this is the case in many situations, I want to write today about the influence of a toxic new partner on a weak parent. Too often, in my opinion, this factor is overlooked by the courts.

According to a 2024 article from Marriage.com :

"Toxic step-parent behavior includes favoritism, manipulation, or excessive control. These actions can harm the child's well-being and strain family relationships. Healthy communication, mutual respect, and setting clear boundaries are essential to avoid toxic behaviors and promote a nurturing family environment."

Let's look at this through the lens of a tragic and true story.

We have on one hand, a weak, pathetic, angry and mentally unstable father, who, while still in negotiations with his wife, creates a Bumble profile, and agrees to meet the 1st person who clicks on his name.

Before I go ANY further, it's important to note that the woman that clicked on the profile has a young daughter, and invites this man, whom she does not know, to meet her and her daughter. Within weeks, the separated (but not divorced, and STILL having conversations with his current wife) father, moves in with the new woman. He even admits to his current wife that he doesn't care who she is; he just can't stand to be alone.

Great start, don't you agree?

The mother and father in this situation have agreed (on paper only) to co-parent, and so far, they are communicating daily and exchanging the kids weekly with no headaches.

This will not last.

A few months into the new Bumble relationship, the father tells the mother that he "is not allowed to talk to her anymore".

This should have been a MUCH BIGGER red flag than it was taken to be, but you know what is said about hindsight.

Fast forward a few months into a VERY CONFUSING period where the mother begins to realize that hard-core alienating tactics are being deployed (if this is your first read on this newsletter, be sure to read the previous editions) and the grandmother decides to do some investigating on her own.

The father was known to be mentally unstable, but it was not fathomable that he would do these things to his kids on his own. Grandma went to the internet and began to search for this Bumble woman (BW) and her past. What she found was FASCINATING, deeply disturbing and sad.

As noted, BW has a young daughter. This child was born the same day that her father was seriously injured in a motorcycle incident in another state. The child's father/BW's husband, was not expected to live and ended up in the trauma ICU at an academic medical center. Due to the publicity, the concerned Grandma (CG) was able to locate the family of the father, who is still alive but in a long term care facility for people with traumatic brain injuries.

Once CG found the parents of the injured young man, she reached out cautiously. These are people who have already suffered enough, and she was cognizant that her inquiries could inflict even more pain, which she didn't want to do. Still, she was watching the damaging impact of this conflict on her grandchildren and wanted to know if it would be better to allow her grandchild to just be with the new family configuration, or to continue to fight for them. Knowing more about this new step-mother was an important piece of the puzzle.

BW's former in-laws were gracious, kind, and more than willing to speak with CG. They were appalled when she explained WHY she was reaching out,... but they were not surprised.

The information CG got from the family of BW's injured, former husband, cannot be verified, aside from noting that the behaviors and outcomes CG has witnessed line up closely with what his parents shared. In fact, NOTHING they shared with CG conflicts in ANY way with the behaviors seen from BW, so Concerned Grandma has no reason to believe that the things they shared are untrue. Sadly, they appear to be very much in alignment with what CG saw and continues to see of BW.

According to the (former) in-laws, Bumble Woman sent her newborn back to her mother who still lived in the town where BW and her sibling grew up. A normal person would assume that this would be to allow BW time to be at the bedside of her critically-injured husband, but according to the injured man's parents, BW almost NEVER showed up at the hospital. As the doctors and other caregivers encouraged the family (wives are Next of Kin) to use the allotted brief ICU visit times to speak to him, touch him and encourage him; BW wasn't showing up. His parents, initially believing BW to be traumatized, encouraged and supported her to visit. Soon, they realized that her other activities weren't aligning with being a grieving spouse, so they began to beg and plead that she visit for the sake of their son. She did visit occasionally, but also took time to participate in fund-raising based on his accident.

CG noted that she is also certain BW spent time investigating the options she had for Social Security payments, insurance payments and other money issues should he not make it, but his parents did not mention this.

Once he got to a point physically, although still struggling cognitively, the rehabilitation team suggested that he begin spending weekends at home - the one he owned and had shared with his wife (BW), prior to the accident. Now, CG was not there, so she has no first hand knowledge of this, but according to his parents, BW refused to help him, act like his partner, or even unpack his suitcase. BW was, according to their telling of things, hostile to having him there. It was heart-breaking for them on many levels.

At the same time, they were experiencing the beginnings of alienation (my word) from their granddaughter, who was an infant but whom they were being blocked from seeing, face-timing or even getting updates on. When they shared this, CG began to see the seeds of her own family's experience, and a pit began to grow in her stomach.

Since BW was showing ZERO interest in her husband's recovery, his parents sought to become his legal guardian. This is where BW's true nature was revealed, in CG's opinion.

BW got an attorney and went to court to prevent his parents from taking guardianship for him, claiming that all they wanted was his money (he didn't have much, so CG assumes this was a ploy to get control of his SSDI, and any insurance payouts). She then filed for divorce, and he was relegated to a Medicaid rehabilitation home because he was at that point, destitute. In addition, his parents had no say over where he would be placed, as she was his guardian. He ended up being placed in a Medicaid home 2 states away from his parents and siblings - the ONLY people who were consistently visiting and caring for him.

BW moved back to the area she lived in growing up and where her mother was raising her child. It was several states away from the father and separated by multiple states from the father's parents.

The father's parents sent gifts to their new grandbaby, and continued to ask for face-time or phone interactions with her and hoped to plan visits. The gifts, cards and other items were never accepted and the child, as they grew, was told that the father's grandparents had no interest in her. This is not only terrible, it is patently false.

No surprise, once she moved back to her home area, BW divorced the father, although CG bets a LOT of money she did so ONLY after figuring out which option would let her grab the most money. She also sold the home she and her husband owned, took all the money raised through the GoFundMe (that her SISTER-IN-LAW had set up to help them!) and left him as a ward of the state - even as his parents begged to become his guardian and care for him.

Let me be clear: all of this happened several years before she went on Bumble to find a hapless, newly-divorced man (who should be VERY careful, if you know what I mean,...). Think about it: if they exchanged vows that included "in sickness and in health,..." her track record isn't great on this (his problem now).

Once CG heard all of this from the injured man's parents and family, she knew that they were dealing with a terrible person. She also realized that the weak, unstable father would do BW's bidding without question. After all, he didn't want to be alone, and he had moved into BW's home - probably purchased with money from her injured husband's estate.

At this point, CG had heard all she needed to hear. She was not assuming false things about the situation her grandchild was in; it was actually MUCH WORSE. There was a weak, mentally unstable father living with a terrorist who has already done a lot of damage to one family, and was now actively inflicting damage on another one.

They're now 3 years into the courts trying to figure out what side of the family is the more sane one, and CG says that if ANYONE had taken the time to look CLOSELY at the TRUTH of this situation, it would be abundantly clear.

CG's family has been fortunate. They have the means to support legal defense which has secured their ability to see and have legal access to the grandchild that was abducted (yes, abducted). Otherwise, CG states emphatically, the child would have been hidden, poisoned and they'd have never seen the child again.

When the child was taken from CG's daughter's home in early 2021, and then hidden from the entire family, told not to tell where they were living or staying, and increasingly prevented from seeing the mother and the mother's family; it was clear that BW had enacted her next terroristic attack on a family. CG had no idea it was her (they blamed the father. Although he is not blameless - he did not come up with this on his own), which is why it was so important for CG to get some input from BW's former in-laws.

While he was legally the child's parent, the father took the child away from their mother - ALSO their legal parent - and hid them. Legally speaking, that is abduction. Sadly, the courts seem to want to brush that off as they parse asinine things like "[Child] claims that you fat shamed them once" (based on a report from the child who had listened into a conversation where the mother was teasing her male friend that he was getting soft around the middle. Had NOTHING to do with the child) or "[Child]'s sibling threatened to kill them,...when one was 6 and the other was 4" (they're teens now, so not only was this a false claim - among multiple other false claims - it was ridiculous in that it was presented as HARD EVIDENCE, and was the only "example").

It's become clear to me that the practiced, cunning and evil step-mother is behind most of the alienation that has been perpetrated against CG's grandchildren and daughter. Sadly, the courts aren't considering ANY of it and the forensic evaluator fell for the "BW Show" in the evaluations phase (should be stripped of credentials and ability to practice, in my opinion) while branding the alienated mother as angry and emotionally overwrought (well, well, well - sounds like the typical alienated parent to me!! If you're a forensic evaluator and you don't know this,... that sounds a lot like negligence and maybe even malpractice).

Any legislative advances in addressing parental alienation MUST-MUST-MUST mandate a review of and evaluation by the courts of the behaviors of the step-parents involved. Judging from CG's experience, absent the malevolent step-parent, her grandchildren would be much healthier, happier and whole.

CG continues to grieve for the pain that the parents and family of the injured man still endure and noted that she and her family are forever connected by the malice of one woman - BW - who lives her life without any care or concern for others. And for apologists out there who want to suggest that maybe BW was just trying to do right by the new husband and his child,... BW inherited a live in babysitter for her young daughter (mother's visitation requests have been denied when it conflicted with babysitting needs of BW) and a housecleaner.

I'll also point out that this is a near-perfect "control" study on which home is the better one for these kids: one child remained with the mother after the father turned his back on them for rejecting BW (that child saw Bumble Woman for who she was); and they are thriving, earning terrific (A+) grades, participating in many extracurricular activities, and are psychologically and emotionally healthy with a large friend group and a job where they are doing well. The other child, in the care of BW and the weak, unstable father, has average to poor grades, is not allowed to participate in any extracurriculars that are inconvenient to BW's need of babysitting or cleaning services, and struggles with multiple emotional and psychological issues.

The courts have dropped the ball BIG TIME on this one. Luckily, the child at the center of this is beginning to see the truth of things. Unfortunately, a lot of psychological and emotional damage has been done, and it will take years, if not decades, for this child to reclaim their health and well-being.

As a kid growing up in rural Ohio, we were always cautioned that if we laid down with dogs, we might get up with fleas. Divorcing parents ought to take this advice, but maybe it should read: if you lay down with a family terrorist, your kids are going to get up with severe emotional and psychological damage.

My question now becomes how many options does CG's family have to seek financial retribution from all the people and institutions that have failed to save their child from the clutches of a terrible woman, and her foolish, desperate new husband (who should worry if he ever gets sick or injured, if you know what I mean,...).

Any advice?

I think there's a LOT of money, and exposure (e.g. potential for new clients) to be gleaned from this. NOTE: I know that judges cannot be sued, and CG reports that they love their current attorneys, but there are previous law firms, forensic evaluators and others that have clearly been negligent and/or engaged in malpractice in this case.

Message me. CG and family have REAMS of documentation and evidence.