Toxic 'Sorry's' and the Power of Apology

'Soh-rrreeee-yuh' is a word I hear quite a bit in my house... and I must confess, I'm not a fan...

Even though it's usually coming from the younger members of my delightful family - not least because we are always encouraging children to apologies if errors are made or hurt or offence is inadvertently caused. It's the right thing to do. The courteous thing to do - and yet... that apology is bogus... and I'm not letting that go!

Now even though it sounds quite similar to the standard English word 'sorry' - 'Soh-rrreeee-yuh' is actually quite different in its use and purpose... and they know it too.

It is usually accompanied by a belligerence-cum-nonchalance that gets me right in the gut and makes me wanna slap somebody... (I don't, NSPCC... but doesn't mean I don't want to!) - It practically adds insult to the injury and was better kept by the person begrudgingly giving it... because that is not a 'sorry at all.

Sorry, Not Sorry

Sorry is a word we think we hear so much... and yet it's rarely said. Not really.

'Sorry' is defined as 'feeling regret or penitance' and talks or remorse and repentance. Repentance is a word I know well from my strong church upbringing and has similar meanings around 'regret and to make sorry'. But there was also an element within the concept of repentance of turning away from that behaviour to something new - otherwise, you weren't really that sorry...

And therein lies the problem.

We hear apologies all the time - I have personally been apologized to plenty - even just today... and yet how much of that is actually resulting in different behaviour? Because without the accompanying adjustments, what is the value of the sorry...

That's not a sorry at all... but it goes one step further

When Sorry Hurts.

Being multi-lingual (at a stretch...) is one of the highlights of my life! Because different languages have such different histories and roots - and not everything is well translated in English... But I love words... communication is everything, and the better we can do it, the better for us all.

So in Yoruba, the commonly used expression for 'I'm sorry' is 'ma binu' - but when translated, it doesn't mean I'm sorry at all. What it actually means is 'don't be upset'. And that has infuriated me in the past... because it speaks nothing of contrition, or regret - but of management of the other person's reactions and emotions. I have found myself screaming back 'don't tell me not to be upset, I can be upset if I freaking well like!!'. And it's true - genuine sorry doesn't try to shut down the other person's reactions, it doesn't negate their right to feel pain or betrayal, it speaks only of the perpetrator's state of heart (and mind too) and that's where it should be operating.

Now I am fully aware that is not how it is often meant... in our language, we take great care in our contrition and remorse. And yet - that is what is said, and that is not lost on me.

But apologies are everywhere...

Celebrities often come out and apologize after being backlashed by public opinion at their faux-pas and misdeeds (and in Danny Baker and Alan Sugar style) often reference how easily people are offended, how ridiculous it is that they have to apologize when they didn't mean any harm.

So that 'sorry' is being used to try to silence the furore, trying to silence the baying crowd - but isn't really about their own contrition... which isn't really sorry at all!

After all, how does 'meaning harm' actually change the outcome?

Unpoking your Eye

If someone pokes you in the eye, your eye is poked.

If they meant it - and wanted to hurt you - your heart will be pretty poked too.

And If they didn't mean it, and apologize, your heart may not be poked, but your eye still will be.

'Sorry' does not unpoke your eye... and that's one of the things that seems to be lost in the midsts of our excessive 'sorry' culture.

Saying 'sorry' does not unpoke your eye...

'Sorry' doesn't diminish the damage. It doesn't remove the consequences... yes, it may well dull the internal pains - but the deed is still done. And the harm can be significant...

So why are we so reluctant to say sorry?

Why can't you just apologize?

I once bought a book by Harriet Lerner called 'Why won't you apologize?'. But I didn't buy it because I wanted to apologize... I bought it because someone I thought should be apologizing to me, wasn't - and I was annoyed as hell.

I needed their apology to make me feel good about certain things (or at least I thought I did). But I was stubborn and proud and so wouldn't ask for an apology - after all, they should KNOW what they've done, and that it's WRONG and that they need to APOLOGIZE... NOW!

But as you can probably tell by me writing about it now - I was all sorts of wrong.

I didn't need their apology... but I needed to say a few "sorry's" of my own.

And the fact is that we hate to admit when we're wrong, as though it is a sign of weakness or makes people think of us as imperfect, or human (which we are). But there is such power in it.. and power that we are missing out on if we never take the time to really consider our actions and apologize.

I led the apologies in that relationship...

And in doing so, I discovered that genuine heart-felt sorry is so incredibly powerful for both sides of the exchange - with some surprising benefits:

The Benefits of a Heart-felt Apology

• Apologies show humility, and give an incredible opportunity to acknowledge that something has gone wrong, and that you are willing and working to put it right. That focus on the other person is incredibly empowering.
• It begins to restore trust and understanding in a relationship that might have been broken by the offence caused - but it acknowledges that there was a falling short, and that work needs to be done to restore what was lost.
• It lifts a cloud from both the giver and the receiver and replaces guilt and shame with connection and empathy.
• It creates a deeper acceptance for the giver - as they have been seen not at their best, and yet they are being accepted inspite of them falling short. That is a powerful call for authenticity if every there was one.
• It tackles things at all 3 levels using the 'Regret, Responsibility, Remedy' model, and demonstrates a change in behaviour to work to ensure it doesn't happen again.

Hell, I'm no expert at saying 'sorry' - but I know that genuine sorry's are much rarer than they should be, and that they create a powerful opportunity in every area of our lives if we would apologize a little more and blame and complain a little less.

Some of my favourite companies became so, because of their apologies to me... because it's a real opportunity in business to surprise and delight the customer when trust is broken (But that's another story for another time) and forgiveness - is a whole new story on it's own.

But for now - use your 'sorry' wisely - for there is incredible power and grace in it for you and the other party when you do!

Let me know your experiences of apologies, good ones, bad ones, and how we as individuals, professionals and business owners and leaders can do it better.

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