Toxic Positivity: Why It's Okay to Feel Bad and How to Cope

Yesterday was one of those days that started out with a rather negative meeting, followed by a rude encounter with a grounds worker where I live.

And I’m a pretty strong-willed woman, who’s trained in mindfulness and perhaps more importantly, a committed Buddhist who knows all too well the power of our emotions!

But in spite of all that, I still ended my day feeling overwhelmed and angry.

Then I got into a conversation with a friend, who asked me how I was.

This person, incidentally, is always brilliant and super-duper.

So, when I replied,

“Not great, angry actually!”

and then proceeded to tell him the events of my day, I got a rather familiar response –

“I don’t want to hear this, it’s having a negative impact on me!”

And I apologised and decided it was probably best to end the conversation because it reminded me of what is wrong with our world today!

In her book, Toxic Positivity: Keeping it Real in a World Obsessed with Being Happy, Whitney Goodman writes:

“Contrary to popular belief, there are no negative emotions. There are only emotions that are harder to experience or that cause more distress for certain people, and the more you suppress those emotions, the harder they are to manage.”

This takes me back to when I was working with people living with cancer. Many of them would tell me how angry it made them when well-intended friends and family would say:

• Be positive!
• Everything will be fine.
• Don’t give up, fight it!!

As if they weren’t already fighting or trying to deal with their personal struggles.

But worse was the fact that many of these people found that friends would disappear, and suddenly they found that it was strangers who were willing to be there for them when they were at their worst.

Why might this be?

Well, it appears asking someone how they feel isn't a real question, it is just a formality. We don't actually want the truth, do we?

Expressing a less-than-happy emotion is often strugged of as, moaning, negative, and quite frankly, just not acceptable.

You must be upbeat; don’t ever show that you are perhaps less than at your best today.

You know how many times people say to me:

“Hey Anna, but you have all this training, you’re a Buddhist, you can’t get angry, you can’t be upset! – How can you help others if you still get angry and upset?”

Because the toxic positivity tribe has taken over, with its happy clapping and dancing on social media, hiding the real picture behind wide smiles.

And so I have to remind them that no emotion is constant and that all emotions are valid.

It’s not about suppressing them.

It’s about giving them space – all of them.

Toxic positivity is fake and unhealthy

It contributes to the belief that we can only be okay when things are going our way. And that is never going to be possible; things will never always be okay.

As one of my personal favourite Buddhist teachers says:

“Nothing is wrong when you feel lonely or sad. It just is.”

So, next time you are feeling bad or down, give yourself the time and space to allow whatever is there to pass.

It is all part of the human experience – however much these toxic positive people might try to convince you otherwise.

By the way, working with me is not about ignoring real emotions or creating a Disney World kind of life because as much as I’d like to promise you that, I can’t and I won’t.

But, finding a way to balance your life so you have more quality time for your personal life and equally for your working life is something I can help with – and perhaps more importantly, developing your ability to be okay when things are not okay.

Feel free to send me a DM or email me at [email protected] if you'd like help with this.