Toxic People: How to recognize a toxic relationship and what to do about it

It is a sad and unfortunate thing that some people are just plain and simple—toxic. The reason that it is sad and unfortunate is because often these are the people that we have?great compassion for and are really trying to help. We offer ourselves lovingly, we?encourage them, and we go to great lengths to support them, and then we get drawn into their drama and stepped?on.?

It is not always necessarily true or valid that the whole person is toxic, but their relationship behavior is toxic. Toxic?people often sabotage their own relationships with others and then blame the other person for their inability to have a well-balanced and respectful relationship?themselves. They seem okay for periods of time and then suddenly they do and say?things that are erratic, unsettling, assaulting, and insulting—confusing you and making?it look like you are at fault.?

What drives this toxicity? What is the root cause of toxicity in a person?

Jodie Gale, M.A., a psychotherapist and life coach from Sydney, Australia, noted, "Often?the person is deeply wounded and for whatever reason, they are not yet able to take responsibility for their wounding, their feelings, their needs and their subsequent?problems in life." (Tartakovsky, n.d., para. 6)

There are multiple parts to this wounding, making them feel at various times like a?victim, or a bully, or a martyr, or a perfectionist, and more.?

Gale added, "They act from these parts trying to get their needs met, albeit in an?extremely unhealthy way." (Tartakovsky, n.d., para. 7)

Here are a number of behavioral indicators to help you recognize a toxic person. This is?not a complete breakdown.

They dramatize their problems and issues and tend to surround themselves with drama?of all kinds—medical, family, moving, community, other people, and more. We all have?situations and events in our lives but they inflate the importance and impact of these things to manipulate others?through their neediness and drama. They make themselves vulnerable and needy to draw?others into their lives, to get your attention and sympathy, and to try to get you to please?them. It frequently becomes all about them.

Another thing they frequently do is harshly criticize themselves. They are actually?seeking to have you rush to their side in encouragement to contradict their criticism of?themselves so you can tell them how great they really are. They are seeking to be?praised, actually. They also get extremely critical of others. They dramatize their?interactions with other people in order to cast them in a negative light and make themselves look good or feel better.?

At other times they will be jealous and envious of others' successes. They will tell you how another person thinks they are so good or better than everyone else, or how others act like that person is so good at something, but that they don't see it.?They compare themselves and are looking for you to agree with them and validate that they are?better than the other person.

When you have a challenging situation or crisis they love to offer their help and support?for your dilemma and come across as being there for you and willing to do whatever it?takes to help you. But then they never celebrate your joys, your victories, or your?successes with you. If they were not a part of helping you and not a part of your success, they want nothing to do with it. Sometime later they will dramatize a situation and wait for you to rush to their aid to meet their needs. If you don't respond by fawning over their need, they will remind you of how?willing they were to help you when were down.

They invent hurts and imply you are at fault for hurting them, for the way you spoke or communicated with them, for misunderstanding them, and for how you treated them.?They keep you guessing about which version of them you are getting today—the victim or?the bully or the martyr or the perfectionist—maybe the emotional wreck, or the superior?one.?

They refuse to own their feelings. Instead, they project them onto you. If they are angry, they will?say you are being angry with them. For instance, they'll say, "Why did you get angry with me in your email, you said such and such? It's okay, I won't be hurt by your insensitivity. You were probably too busy to help me." And then you find yourself defending your words and actions when you?did nothing wrong, it's just the way they twisted it and used it against you.

They challenge you to prove yourself to them in subtle ways. They may say, "I took the?time to put that together for you and send it and if you really cared you would have?responded right away." Then you find yourself defending that you do care for them and?that your actions did not indicate contrary, but then they brush it off and make you feel like you are just making excuses.

When you try to resolve things logically with them, they bring irrelevant details into a conversation, going back to a perceived?hurt you committed five conversations ago or a month ago, and they throw it back at you again.?They will also change the issue and make it all about the way you are talking to them or all about some things you said that they feel were unnecessary for you to say. All of this is to deflect from owning their error and resolving the real issue. At times like these?you may realize how much they exaggerate and how judgmental they are.

What then happens as a result of all these eccentric and confusing behaviors is that they?draw you into their toxic world by way of your interactions with them. If you are not?aware of what toxicity is and how they are subtly drawing you into their drama, you may?get caught up in it and begin to question yourself. You?may think it is your fault that you are misinterpreting them. You may think you are not communicating clearly. You question whether you are being over-reactive to them, or wonder whether you are being hypersensitive. You end up getting caught up in a lot of emotional?misunderstandings with them and can't seem to figure out why.?

Then, as you experience these negative and confusing emotions and are troubled over the?difficult nature of your relationship with them, they seize upon your unsettled state?and turn it around and use it to prove that you are the one who is emotionally troubled or?deficient. They want you to think that you need to apologize to them and change the way you treat them.

If you find yourself in such a relationship and you are the one that feels "hurt that you hurt them", and you are the one making all the adjustments to accommodate them, and you are changing your behavior to "tip toe" around them, and you dread the next communication coming from them, then you need to recognize they are the problem and not you. Especially if you do not have this kind of relationship problem with anyone else with whom you interact.

Toxic people are natural subtle manipulators and are often totally unaware that they are doing this to you or others.?It is almost hardwired into them. They are not purposefully scheming and employing tactics designed to control you and the relationship—it's just who they are.

Toxic people need help. They need mental and emotional healing but are often unwilling to seek it and are unaware how pervasive the toxic effects of their wounds are.?They blame everything and everyone else for their state. Sometimes they almost seem to?admit they are the problem, but it goes something like this. "It was my alcoholic aunt who messed me up, I have deep problems, but I don't care anymore, it won't stop me from being myself." So in effect, they are saying to you and themselves, "I have problems but they are not problems." It is a kind of delusion and self-deception.

Once you recognize that you are in a toxic relationship, what can you do to correct and redefine the relationship into a more positive and productive one? Well, first of all, providing you are even willing to take it on, you certainly need to recognize it will not be easy. Also, as with many mental and emotional maladies, a toxic person needs to "come face-to-face with themselves" and realize that they have a problem and they need help. They need to embrace and maintain a willingness to receive that help and to root out the deep inner causes of the problems.?

So, in all honesty, unless this toxic person recognizes they are sabotaging their relationship with you and that they need help, there is a high probability that you are not going to be able to correct and redefine the relationship. If you suddenly get honest with them and put your foot down and re-establish proper boundaries and respect, it will begin to expose their weaknesses and errors and then they will accuse you of being mean, egotistical, hateful, and small. They will criticize you for everything you have ever said or done and show you how much of a better person they are than you.?It's a defense mechanism.

However, if by some great fortune for you, and for them, they do recognize that they have deep-seated problems to deal with and are genuinely willing to receive help, it presents a different dilemma. You have to be equipped to help them, to deal with them, to guide them, and to take a strong, unwavering stand with them. In order to get equipped you'll need to consult with someone who is already equipped and adept in this area, or you will need to get professional help. What it takes to help a toxic person who is willing to be helped is beyond the scope of this article.?

More than likely, the more common situation you will find yourself in is having to end the toxic relationship. You cannot keep putting up with it and keep putting yourself in the position of getting toxically dumped on. It is not healthy for you or for your many other relationships. It is not healthy for your success and fulfillment in life. If you are not happy then it becomes difficult for you to give to others and help them to be happy. It increases the stress in your life and works against your well being and health.?

You just have to get to the place that you recognize that the toxic relationship is detrimental. With them being unwilling to change there is nothing you can do but to end it. Do your best to send them forward in life with love and compassion, but definitely get moving on with your life. It may be painful to end the relationship especially if there is a long history or if they are a family member. But doing so has immediate beneficial impact on your health, well-being, and happiness, and makes room for you to develop wonderful, fulfilling, and nourishing relationships with others.

You don't have to necessarily outright abandon family or a long term friendship. You just have to determine to not engage in any kind of an interactive relationship and exchange. Maybe you still send holiday cards or perhaps send a note or letter once a year or even talk on the phone for a couple minutes twice a year. Just maintain the boundaries in your life and mind to make the exchange quick and courteous and not interactive, and move on. Do not get drawn in.

If they start divulging their drama and want to catch you up in it or they seem to reach out to you for some help and advice, do not take the bait. Simply tell them that you are sure they are very capable of handling it and that they will find a solution and the support they need from their close circle of friends and hang up—move on. Don't get drawn into their drama ever again.

What if the toxic person is a co-worker and you have to interact? You will need to be the one to set a boundary in your mind that you will not cross. Determine that you will not engage in any kind of interactive relationship and exchange beyond your professional work. You will need to be watchful, calculating, and measured in your responses to never allow yourself to be pulled into their drama. Avoid ever being alone with them in a room, always endeavor to work with someone else present. Discuss your need to do this with your boss. Keep all interactions with the toxic co-worker task focused, as quick as possible, and professionally courteous.

Do not react to "launched probes". They may, at times, throw a dart hoping to "sting" a reaction out of you. Let it hit in silence, pull it out, drop it to the ground, and respond with something that returns the interaction to the job, mission, or task at hand. After a while, they will get the message and give up on launching probes. You will be a much happier and more productive worker as you hold the line. Resolve yourself to be stoic in such situations.

Finally, what about toxic people online? These are people you have met online on social media sites, in interest groups, in forums, on news boards, or on discussion boards. You strike up a mutual interest and soon you are communicating with each other via email and private message. Sometimes the toxicity of a relationship becomes apparent quickly saving you time, trouble, and emotional attachment in dealing with it and cutting it off. However, at other times and in other situations it may take longer to manifest.

Perhaps you found a person who lacked self-esteem and you helped them gain some confidence and coached them and guided them along. Maybe you have collaborated with them on projects, or worked together with them in some other virtual capacity. Over time and by process of communication, you have shared some personal things about life, family, goals, other personal interests and pursuits, vacations, special events, pictures, your challenges, and maybe even offered each other some advice on dealing with personal matters. In other words, you have made emotional attachments and built a strong correspondence friendship.

But then it all starts going awry. Through the course of interactions and messages you start to see all the earmarks of a toxic relationship with their drama, frequent misunderstandings, subtle accusations, sly manipulations, and more. What do you do?

Once again, you simply need to get to the place that you recognize that the relationship is toxic and detrimental. With them being unwilling to change there is nothing you can do but to end it. Do your best to be kind in ending the relationship, but be aware that being a virtual relationship online has a way of emboldening people to get angrier and nastier because there is a lack of personal contact. So if this is the case, the best answer is the block button or feature.

It is never wrong for you to protect your space, your mind, and your time by blocking an individual. Be sure to block them on all the sites where you are connected. And if they have your email, just mark it as spam the next time it comes in and your email filter will take care of it from there.

Toxic people and toxic relationships are unhealthy and negatively impact you. So, once you determine that a relationship is toxic and detrimental to your life and you know you are not in a position to help or the other person does not want to change, recognize that you need to end it. Do your best to send them forward in life with love and compassion, but definitely get moving on in yours. It's really the best thing you can do for them and you.

Be loving, be kind. If they get angry don't defend, don't get drawn in. Just thank them for their input, tell them you wish them success, and send them on their way. Then you be sure to move on—and always remember to keep life good.?

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References

Tartakovsky, Margarita M.S.?(n.d.). What’s a Toxic Person & How Do You Deal With One? PsychCentral. Retrieved from https://psychcentral.com/blog/whats-a-toxic-person-how-do-you-deal-with-one/

Young, Karen. (n.d.). Toxic People: 12 Things They Do and How to Deal with Them. Hey Sigmund. Retrieved from https://www.heysigmund.com/toxic-people/

10 Behaviors Toxic People Display Before Revealing Themselves. (n.d.). Power of Positivity. Retrieved from https://www.powerofpositivity.com/toxic-people-behaviors/

Carroll, Linda M.S. (n.d.). Got A Toxic Person In Your Life? These Are The Most Important Things You Need To Know. Mind Body Green. Retrieved from https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/what-to-do-if-you-have-a-toxic-person-in-your-life

Sama, James Michael. (June 9, 2018). How To Deal With Toxic People Online (And in Real Life). The Good Men Project. Retrieved from https://goodmenproject.com/sex-relationships/how-to-deal-with-toxic-people-online-and-in-real-life-dg/

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David E Navarro ?is an author, poet, essayist, haiku poet-philosopher, scholar, and non-denominational biblical research minister who lives in Tucson, Arizona with his wife and family. He also works in clinical research in data science and medical writing. He was born in Newport, Rhode Island and grew up on the Southside of Chicago and in Northwestern Indiana until he went off to college at Purdue University.?

He served in the United States Air Force for ten years (three conflicts). During his tour of duty in the United Kingdom, he completed a degree in Communications and Leadership. He separated with an honorable discharge and entered a Biblical Studies program where he completed a degree in Theology and served 35 years in the ministry as a Biblical research teacher and minister.?

During this time he worked as a corporate safety compliance officer and trainer, the CEO of a credit union, HR training specialist, financial institution compliance and tech writer, power utilities company corporate compliance analyst, clinical research associate, and online adult English writing instructor.??He is the founder of?NavWorks Press .

He returned to school with Purdue University Global and completed a BS degree in Interdisciplinary Studies.?He writes about and teaches life and time management, quality of life, work-life balance, biblical research, teaching, and ministering principles, writing and communication, and mindfulness.

His first collection of poetry was published in 1980 in the?Purdue Exponent Literary Edition, Winter Issue. Over the years, his articles, poems, and essays have been published in various magazines, literary journals, books, anthologies, and online. He plans to write, publish, and educate for the rest of his life.

Books and Publications

A Tree Frog's Eyes: Haiku, 2020, haiku, senryu, and essays on haiku?

In the Praise of His Glory, 2020, poems and Biblical notes

Archway to Beyond, 2020, haiku, haibun, poetry, and prose for an academic project

Early Childhood Learning: An Instruction Focused Framework for Ongoing Assessment, 2019, early learning educational guide

This Is the Way: Walk Ye in It, 2018, Biblical research studies and poems

Dropping Ants into Poems, 2017, literary essays and poems

Sometimes Anyway, 2016, a compilation of 39 poets

Dare to Soar, 2013, essays and poems

Between Life and Language, 2009, a compilation of 107 poets

Planned Books

Rain in the Mountain, will critically handle history, myths, and methods of writing English language haiku

The Annals of Ghalensa, a sci-fi/fantasy series of novels

Biblical Studies in Truth, a series of books with in-depth Biblical research and teaching

Man's Search for Truth, a book about man's search for truth through science, philosophy, and religion

(and other non-fiction works)

Please see his?Author Page ?for a list of his current books

From 2006 through 2009, he ran an extremely popular online poetry writing forum with over 10,000 hits per week. He currently manages two LinkedIn Groups,?Poetry & Poetry Resources , and?Book Story: for Writers Authors Poets Readers.