TOXIC PARENTING: ACADEMIC ABUSE IS AFFECTING YOUR CHILD!

There are many aspects to parenting. It’s not just about putting food on the table or a shelter over your child’s head. It is also about attending to your child’s needs and wants – patiently. It’s about helping them discover their talents and dreams, and formulating a plan to achieve it. It’s about being supportive – as you should be, if you are a parent.

However, time and time again, I witness the same story - toxic parent/s who interfere in their child’s academia. In other words, parents who enforce THEIR academic desires on their child, without giving their child an opportunity or authority to pursue their own dreams. This is called: ACADEMIC ABUSE. Yes, it is real. It exists. Academic abuse, in conjunction with toxic parenting, causes extremely harmful emotional damage.

I am a career & education specialist. I see potential in people. I enjoy decoding and figuring out what a person may enjoy doing in their career. Sometimes they are surprised at the potentials I present to them as they did not think it was possible. I research and tell them every single option I can find, and what I believe they could master. I want them to know that they can do ANYTHING they want to. Yes! Even if it is something they would not think of in their wildest dreams. Because their career choice is exactly that – their career choice. It is their decision. As it should be for everyone.

Time and time again, I see the same error being made by parent/s - that is:

dictating their child’s academic future or ridiculing their child’s ambitions because it is not in line with their belief system.

Keeping in mind that a ‘belief system’ is a set of ideas or principles in one’s own mind that governs the way that person behaves, interacts and interprets their own reality and surroundings.?

Now, let me stop you right there and remind all the parent/s that:

your child is a separate entity to you. Your child did not choose to be in this world – you did. Your child has separate desires to you. Your child has a different belief system to you. Your child may be good at things that you were not, and vice versa. Sometimes you can pick up, from an early age, where their talent lies – it needs to be challenged and encouraged. They need this opportunity to grow and flourish.

Denying your child the right to pursue a career of their choice has detrimental and devastating outcomes, such as:

• mental health conditions such as depression or PTSD
• triggered suicidal thoughts
• unnecessary stress, anxiety and worries – which can have physical repercussions
• an unhealthy build-up anger and rage which explodes over time
• unaddressed trauma (sometimes this trauma is not acknowledged or known to exist subconsciously)
• addictions to alcohol, cigarettes, sex, drugs, gambling and other self-harming/anti-social behaviours
• unstable and toxic relationships
• a lack of motivation and desire to do anything, including studying
• failure to go to class or purposing failing
• hatred, anger and resentment towards you (the parent)

Why?

Because you have just denied a human being the right to make their own decisions. As a parent, you have diminished their value and self-worth by thinking “you know best”. You have stripped your child them of their freedom and liberty. You have taken the ability to make informed decisions away in a selfish attempt by you to mould your “perfect” child.

The problem is not your child because they want a different life to the one you want them to have.

The problem is: you - the parent/s.

Yes, that’s right. YOU ARE the problem, if you:

• choose to ignore your child’s talent
• are being demanding and unreasonable
• enforce what YOU THINK they should study
• expect your child to study all day, everyday
• do not take their career decision seriously
• ridicule their career decisions and ambitions
• do not support them, to the best of your ability
• do not think about their happiness and goals
• threaten to disown them if they choose a career path you do not approve of
• think that you need to “approve” decisions they make for their own future
• do not encourage them to do something they love and enjoy
• think that obtaining a degree is the only way to succeed in life
• emotionally and psychologically abuse them by belittling or calling them derogatory names
• think you always know best

Are you the problem if your personal beliefs outweigh your child’s needs, wants and desires? Are you making the situation about yourself? If your child has ambitions which are different to your expectations, swallow your pride, and your negative thoughts while you’re at it. With an ever-changing world, where no day is the same, we, as humans are evolving. By the same token, we are learning and growing each day. Un-learning toxic behaviour and learning supportive ideologies instead would benefit not only your child, but yourself as well.

Everyone has the right to live a life they create on their own terms. My dear parents, you are not the author of your child’s biography. You are one of the many chapters that will be part of their story. Make it count.

Shalina Lodhia