Toxic Masculinity – Are we making it worse? by Mike Darling

We hear a lot in the media today about toxic masculinity. Is there such a thing?

I believe there are bad men doing bad and shameful things and this behavior has been labeled as Toxic Masculinity. I am totally against this bad and shameful behavior and I think it needs to be firmly dealt with.

However, I believe that the label and the reaction have led to wrong conclusions and counter-productive “solutions.” Some of the “solutions" are to make men more passive and to tell men they should be more like women.

Anything labeled as masculine has become associated with toxicity.

There could be, and have been, entire books written on this subject, so this article contains some thoughts that only touch on the tip of the iceberg.

True masculinity is not the problem, it is the solution. Allie Stuckey in a Prager University video (Make Men Masculine Again) has some good points that I think are appropriate:

-         Making men more like women doesn't work - you get more toxic masculinity.

-         Why? Bad men don’t become good when they stop being men.

-         They become good when they stop being bad.

-         We need to harness (and train) the male traits for good.

PragerU's Allie Stuckey: Make Men Masculine Again

I want to make it clear – Men and women are equal in value as human beings and as people. Men and women are also different physically, hormonally, biologically, and emotionally.

Everyone (male and female) is different from one another. We are all different and unique. To truly succeed as a society, we need to recognize, celebrate and utilize these differences. People (male and female) should be recognized for the contribution that their uniqueness makes.

Shay Rowbottom recently posted on LinkedIn about the problem of women trying to act more like men to succeed in business. Her post explained why this wasn’t good and that women should be able to be women and to be recognized for the contribution they can make as women.

I would agree. I would also say that men should be raised, trained and expected to be good men – true gentlemen and should be recognized for the contribution they can make as men.

There are many men out there who are good men – true gentlemen. C. Joybell C. has a good quote – “Manhood is defined and decided by the ability to nurture and to protect, by the capability to provide and sustain.”

C.S. Lewis said, “The important thing about this ideal is, of course, the double demand it makes on human nature. The knight is a man of blood and iron, a man familiar with the sight of smashed faces and the ragged stumps of lopped-off limbs; he is also a demure, almost a maiden-like, guest in hall, a gentle, modest, unobtrusive man. He is not a compromise or happy mean between ferocity and meekness; he is fierce to the nth and meek to the nth.”

A true gentleman is a Rock of Gibraltar when it comes to defending his country, his morals and the weak. He is not violent – he is strong. He is gentle and meek (meek being defined as strength under control) when it comes to how he treats other people, especially women and children. He is responsible. He takes care of his responsibilities and he leads by example. Bullies control through violence.

We want, and need, men who will stand up for what is right and to defend those who need it. We need to break this chain of bad and shameful behavior or else it will get passed on to the next generation, and the next, and the next…

I know a young man that is providing for his family; however, he is not a responsible man. During this Coronavirus lock-down, he insists on going out and hanging out with his friends. He basically states that since he is not in a high-risk group, he doesn’t care about getting exposed. What about his wife and his infant child? His actions show that he only cares about himself and not truly about others, especially his family.

So, how do we raise responsible, caring, gentlemanly, strong, masculine men? There are many tools in our toolbox for this. For example:

• -         Mentors – young men need quality mentors in their lives, especially if there is not a quality man in their home for them to look up to. Too many young men only have video games, movies and neighborhood guys to look up to and many, if not most, of those are poor examples of true manhood.
• -         Jobs – working a job, especially manual labor, teaches a young man responsibility and character. When I was growing up, the most responsible male teens were the ones who had jobs. The troublemakers did not.
• -         Societal pressure – if our society promotes poor examples of manhood and allows young men to continue on paths of shameful behavior, the behavior will continue. If our society promotes and expects young men to be responsible and caring, the pressure will help push young men on the right path.
• -         Counseling – if a young man has been raised in a horrible home, been abused or traumatized, he needs to get quality, caring counseling.

Are any of these a magic wand? No! But they are a step in the right direction to teach young men (and men of any age) what is expected of them and how to be true gentlemen. Expectations of excellence in young men will give them something to aim for. Zig Ziglar said, “If you aim at nothing, you will hit it every time."

We need to aim high!

Mike Darling is a Contributing Writer for Relationships Matter Mondays with Karen Bontrager.

Thank you for reading.

Your thoughts are very appreciated.

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Researcher’s Bio

Karen Bontrager helps 16-24-year-old men, and fellas stuck there due to complex trauma, make permanent shifts in their behavior from merely surviving in life to thriving through transparent coaching/counseling in one-on-one conversations and in group work, and through topic sensitive trauma-informed workshops in a program called, “From Crisis to Courage.” With this ontological approach, I partner with my clients to discover their essence, (aka highest and best self) by powerfully reflecting and listening to them. My clients quickly learn how to generate self-awareness and to voice their own relationship needs in a clear, constructive way by learning key coaching techniques/evidenced based counseling approaches/tools to work past their traumatic events and addictions to move forward. The clients are then equipped to develop healthy relationships with key relationships: parents/siblings/friends, and with intimate dating partners because they have learned how to proactively use their voice.

She does a weekly Relationships Matter Monday LI article for 16-24-year-old men and fellas stuck there due to trauma, is a frequent contributor here, and has a bi-monthly podcast called Crisis to Courage to give gentlemen an honorable platform for learning how to use their voices in a way which gets respected, instead of turning to the old standbys: anger, isolation, and numbing behavior, so they can be the men they were made, formed, and created to be.

Crisis to Courage Podcast for Men Links below:

Anchor: https://anchor.fm/karen-bontrager

Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/crisis-to-courage/id1498623443?ign-mpt=uo%3D4

Breaker: https://www.breaker.audio/crisis-to-courage

Google Podcasts: https://podcasts.google.com/?feed=aHR0cHM6Ly9hbmNob3IuZm0vcy8xMzZhMmVjYy9wb2RjYXN0L3Jzcw%3D%3D

Overcast: https://overcast.fm/itunes1498623443/crisis-to-courage

Pocket Casts: https://pca.st/zcj8iiu7

Radio Public: https://radiopublic.com/crisis-to-courage-WlK59w

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/1AInJsoaWL4X8WGiHaKk51