Toxic Boss? How to deal with the toughest relationship

Earlier this year BambooHR released the results of their Bad Boss Index and the 10 worst things bosses do. They report that 44% of professionals have quit their job primarily because of their boss. I can relate to that statistic, personally and professionally.

Working from Home and the COVID Pandemic has shone the spotlight on leadership and management skills across the world. We've seen the best of times and the worst of times during the last few months.

Many of our clients at SkyeTeam have been doubling down on their investment in leadership & management development. They've shared that the cracks in leadership skills that were already apparent when working in the same office have been exacerbated when leadership-from-a-distance is required.

Thankfully not everyone ends up being or having a bad boss. However it only takes one bad apple to upset the delicate equilibrium and the ability of a team member, or an entire team, to deliver the results needed, especially in times of ambiguity and uncertainty, which is 2020!

Why We Stay with Bad Bosses

Did you notice that I said "we"? I've had several bad bosses in my career. Some were like ships in the night, short-lived and now just a distant memory. From others, I still carry their legacy and (proverbial) scars with me.

It's not until we can look back on the relationship with time, distance, and a little more perspective, that we realize that the reasons for staying (aka excuses) were not as strong as they felt in the moment.

Here are a few of the reasons I've heard (and told myself) that keep us stuck:

• It's not really that bad (oh yes it is).
• Thing's will hopefully get better (hope is not a strategy).
• They didn't mean it, they even apologized for their last outburst. (so?)
• They're trying to change, I'll give them more time.
• It'll be too hard to find another job / I've been here too long / the economy is in a downturn.
• I've just moved / kids are in school / got a puppy - I can't risk my current salary / benefits etc.
• Better the devil you know and anyway, I like my colleagues / the work / everything else.
• Maybe it’s just me. If I work harder, keep my head down, it'll get better.
• I should be able to fix this / survive this.
• Leaving is failing / I'll be seen as a failure.

The reasons (excuses) for staying can be particularly sticky and compelling for my coaching clients who are working in value driven roles - education, global development, not-for-profit etc., where the high emotional attachment to the work and the cause it supports results in a high pain-threshold for the toxic behaviors of their boss.

I know that my experiences of bad bosses robbed me of my self-confidence. I questioned myself and my abilities (despite past track-records). I was exhausted, both mentally and physically, and the idea of the energy needed to effect a change was overwhelming. I was paralyzed. I felt like a failure. Hopeless. Trapped. Damned if I stayed, and damned if I left.

How do you know if you have a toxic boss?

Counterintuitively, the impact of a toxic boss is less about the behaviors they may demonstrate, and more telling when we look at the effect those toxic boss behaviors have on us, on our health, and the behaviors that they trigger in us.

I know that for me, just a few of these behaviors included:

• Being guarded with my opinion and holding back, eventually no longer contributing
• Stress and sleepless nights, lack of appetite
• Relief when others were in the bosses cross-hairs and not me
• Denial - I can't believe that just happened...
• Shock - I can't believe that just happened...
• BMW’ing (Bitching, Moaning, and Whining) about my boss to others, to anyone
• Deflecting & Denial - Painting a rosy picture for others
• Fear & looking over my shoulder - Is Dr Jekyll or Mr/Ms Hyde going to show up
• Overworking, attention to every Tiny. Little. Detail.
• Second-guessing, myself, them, others, doubting reality!
• Embarrassment and shame that I couldn't resolve this situation, that I was in this situation.

Ultimately the relationship was damaged because of a lack of trust, respect, and empathy. Initially theirs and subsequently mine. On reflection I knew it then, and I definitely know it now, I wasn't having fun. I didn't thrive. These damaged relationships, bad bosses, resulted in the lowest points during my 30+ year career. 

As much as there is something to learn from toxic bosses, I'm not sure that it's a career crucible we actually need to experience. So what can you do if you realize you’re trapped in a toxic work relationship, whether it's with a boss, a colleague, or a client? 

How to Manage a Bad Boss

Unfortunately, it’s rare that we can change our leader's behavior (though not impossible). The only thing we can control, and change, is our reaction to our boss, and our environment, which may mean finding an alternative position and choosing to leave for pastures new.

I reached out to several leaders I respect and here was their advice.

Andrea Tecce - Chief Strategy Officer, PPL

If you feel like you are in a difficult work situation, be sure to step back and reflect on what is in your control and how your actions may be contributing to a particular situation.

Are there allies in your workplace you can engage to change the dynamics? If so, engage them and discuss how you can productively work together to make the workplace a better place.

As long as you have honestly looked in the mirror to take ownership, either speak up to make change or act with your feet. Life is short and you can’t excel to your full potential under a toxic boss. One of you has to go. There are other opportunities and better bosses out there. However, if you can help influence the situation for the next person, take action.

Yvonne C. Perry, VP Human Resources, National Geographic Society

Escalate your concerns - many companies have problem resolution policies in place that outline how employees can report concerns (or at least speak to someone to get advice who has the authority to assist). In my company, employees are encouraged to escalate concerns up their reporting structure, to Human Resources or to the Ethics Officer. We also have a hotline in place that allows staff to share concerns anonymously. The company can't do anything about the concern unless they are aware.

Lori Lantz, VP Human Resources, CableLabs

I’m reminded of a quote by Brené Brown who wrote, “You can’t get to courage without rumbling with vulnerability. Embrace the suck.”

?When I’m coaching someone who is struggling in a relationship with their boss (or anyone for that matter), I ask them the hard questions. Have you told him/her how you feel? Does he/she know the impact of the toxic behavior on you? I find that most people get really fearful when faced with the option of giving feedback to their boss and often just stick with silence, putting up with it, and continue to hate coming to work every day.

I try to offer another path to consider. If you give feedback with the intention of improving the relationship, and even helping your toxic boss be more successful in their role, and your boss turns it against you, then at least you’ll know that you did the best you could to improve the situation. If it’s still awful, your choice will remain about whether to stay or go, and you can make that choice with better clarity and more confidence. Best case scenario, at least some of your feedback may make it through and your relationship actually WILL improve.

Eric Spencer, COO SkyeTeam

Sometimes, toxic bosses don't appear toxic. They say many of the right words, they put on a good show, and (I believe) they actually think they're pretty good at this stuff. It's when the heat is on, when the pressure is applied, that the toxicity seeps through the cracks.

I worked for a person at one point in my career who was an amazing coach, a solid thought leader, and had tremendous ideas about business. However, I'd leave certain interactions baffled, confused, or worse - feeling like a complete loser. This feeling would hang around for days, and in the beginning, I just couldn't pin it down. When I talked with co-workers about my feelings, it turned out that I wasn't alone.

When confronted with the situation, this leader proceeded to explain to me that people have misunderstood them their entire life and that they were willing to help me "get through it." (I'm sorry, what?) They closed the conversation by explaining to me that this was just an example of the things I didn't understand. (Wow). 

At some point in any relationship, you have to decide whether or not it's worth it to continue to invest. I didn't like how *I* felt in this person's presence, and after a good chunk of time I was pretty sure that old dog wasn't gonna learn any new tricks. If you're in a similar situation, be honest with yourself. The grass may not always be greener on the other side, but sometimes a new yard is exactly what you need to thrive.

The grass may not always be greener on the other side, but sometimes a new yard is exactly what you need to thrive

- Eric Spencer

Howard Prager, Executive Coach, Leadership Consultant, Facilitator and Author

Whenever I'm facing a big decision, and what to do about a bad boss is one of those times, I make a list of pros and cons. We want to be objective about our decisions. 

• What factors are in favor of staying despite a bad boss?  Reasons can include great projects, don't have much interaction with them, I am learning or enjoy doing things that are beneficial for me right now, or it's not the right time for me in my personal life to leave and I choose to stay. 
• Why should I go? I'll be stuck otherwise, I not only hate work but feel humiliated at work, there is nothing I can gain by staying, job prospects look good (the grass IS greener). 

I'd like to quote my Dad who always said "nothing is forever." I've had to use that phrase many times, but it's always been true, and depending on your organization bosses can change frequently. The key is knowing why you stay or why you want to go, follow-through on your decision, and don't forget to reevaluate the situation down the road.  

Final Thoughts

Experience has shown me that no amount of complaining to others about a toxic boss or hoping that they suddenly see the light and change helps resolve the situation. Ultimately change only occurred when I took ownership for my part in the relationship and for what I could control.

I had to have the courage to step into my own truth and:

1. Establish my boundaries. What were the behaviors I was willing to accept from others, and which was I willing to compromise on? Have the courage to recalibrate your relationship expectations with your toxic colleague and draw a proverbial line in the sand. If those lines continue to be crossed then you can actively choose whether to stay or leave.
2. Role model being an Ally. If you've articulated your expectations choose to be all-in as to how you show up in your meetings and interactions with your challenging colleague. Don't get sucked into a tit-for-tat response or continue to participate in the gossip or complaints to others. Instead develop an approach that helps you to show up as a true leader. Choose how you show up and respond.
3. Let it Go. When I chose to let go of the fear, intimidation, shame, and embarrassment that my toxic colleague triggered in me some of their power was diminished. The impact of their behavior didn't go away completely, however it wasn't as crippling or as disempowering for me. My confidence grew, as those emotional reactions diminished. Identify how you can reframe your stories and reactions to others and in doing so take back an element of control by letting go.
4. Nurture your Ally relationships. Invest time in developing relationships and alliances across your organization. These relationships span the silos that your toxic colleague may have created and allow you to collaborate and be successful despite the tough relationship. Make the implicit explicit, let those for whom you are their Ally know that you have their back, and find at least one Ally who has yours.

What's been your approach to the challenging professional relationships in your career? Please do share in the comments below.

Relationships Matter

Hindsight is both 20/20 and a cruel bitch. Often it is only once we've made a change, or had that change foisted upon us, that we realize that we should’ve gotten out of the toxic relationship sooner.

We spend more than half of our lives at work, this is the ultimate team sport. We all want to have, and want to be seen as, a good boss. One who has your back, who is your Ally, makes work so much better and help make us better.

Whether you’re working for a bad boss, or you realize you are the bad boss, call me. You're not trapped or alone. I’ll listen and talk you through the next steps. Relationships Matter.

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Morag Barrett is a sought out speaker and leadership development expert. She's the author of Cultivate The Power of Winning Relationships and The Future-Proof Workplace. 

Morag brings 30 years’ experience in industries around the globe and has impacted more than 11,000 leaders and managers in 20 countries and on 4 continents. Morag understands the challenges of running a business and leading the people within that company. Business is personal and relationships do matter. 

Learn more at www.SkyeTeam.com