Toxic Average

As a child, I believed I was below average, and achieving an average status became my most desperate goal.

Throughout my elementary school years in Korea, I found myself excluded from playing soccer with friends due to my lack of skill. I was skinny, easily fatigued, and not nimble with my feet. I recall fervently praying to God, “Please help me be at least normal. That’s my only wish.” Back then, I attributed my sense of not fitting in to my lack of athleticism.

On top of that, I didn’t meet the academic standards set by Korean norms. My test scores averaged around 70%, a far cry from what I perceived as the average. I struggled with learning in general, unable to spell the English alphabet even in grade 1. While my classmates effortlessly spelled words, I became the target of their mockery.?

I also believed I was bad at math because I hadn’t memorized multiples. Kids would quiz me randomly, “What is six times twelve?” Unable to answer, I became the subject of their laughter. Memorizing from 1 times 1 to 19 times 19 was a trend at that time, but I stood out as the only one who didn’t follow it.

Back then, playing soccer, speaking English, and memorizing multiples were deemed average, and my failure to attain them led both classmates and teachers to label me below average.

In hindsight, it all seems rather absurd. Those skills weren’t as challenging as I had thought, weren’t as crucial for success, and certainly weren’t an accurate representation of my value.

Soccer wasn’t beyond my capabilities; I struggled with making friends. The essence of playing soccer lies in the act of playing, not just scoring. Defining it solely as an ability blinded me to the genuine joy of playing soccer with friends.

English skill was prioritized in Korea’s highly competitive education system, but my mother and grandmother allowed me to play during my preschool years instead of pushing foreign language learning. Back then, I felt foolish for not keeping up. Now, I’m confident that my spelling skills surpass those of my elementary school friends. I’m even writing this essay in English.

The idea of memorizing up to 19X19 multiples seems trivial now. This trend, reportedly originating from India, was rendered obsolete with the advent of smartphone calculators and AI like ChatGPT, which can even generate complex SQL code.

In reality, I was simply marked as part of a below-average group, and that label attracted reasons to stay there. My self-perception as below average fueled a momentum of negative thoughts, and the concept of “normal” became a powerful tool to instill discouragement by highlighting the myriad of normal things I failed to achieve.

So, is being normal a positive thing? Socially, it seems more detrimental than beneficial. It might sound convenient, but it’s often used as a tool for suppression rather than pride. While achieving one or two normal or above-normal things is commendable, adopting normalcy as a persona demands conformity to all things normal, an impossible feat. This becomes a significant mental deterrent.

When you feel below average for specific reasons, it’s crucial to recognize the challenge of refuting those thoughts due to the momentum they carry. Allow yourself more time to cultivate a better mental state, and you’ll come to understand what I mean. Let’s not fall prey to that mindset.