The Toughness Trap: Why High-Performing Moms Need to Embrace Tenderness

By Micheline Green, M.Ed, PCC,? Integral Executive Coaching Expert for High-Performing Mothers

?If you're a high-performing woman and a mother, chances are you’ve mastered toughness. At work, you lead with grit, resilience, and sharp instincts, proving yourself time and again. But what if the toughness that serves you so well professionally is holding you back from creating the softness you crave at home?

This tension between the tough and the tender is a recurring theme I’ve seen in my coaching work with ambitious mothers. It's also something I know personally, because for years, toughness was my go-to defense.

Breaking Down to Break Through

Let’s start here: real, lasting change is not easy. It’s not quick. It’s a process of breaking down to break through. I love that phrase because it’s the truth no one tells you about transformation. It’s messy, uncomfortable, and deeply rewarding.

Each of us walks around carrying a complex web of beliefs about who we are, how others see us, and how the world works. These beliefs form our ego structure—our sense of identity and how we navigate life. When we’re challenged, this structure often gets activated, and we react defensively.

The Many Faces of Defense

Defense mechanisms aren’t just for psychology textbooks. They show up in real life, every day, especially in moments of stress or vulnerability. Over the years, I’ve seen common defensive patterns emerge in my clients (and myself):

• Appearing smarter: Using intellectual arguments, big words, or data to assert control.
• Pulling rank: Acting more important or authoritative to protect your position.
• Playing the victim: Acting small to gain sympathy.
• Getting the laughs: Using humor to deflect.
• Numbing out: Drinking, exercising, or shopping to avoid emotions.
• Toughening up: Getting angry, cold, or closed-off to push others away.
• Shutting down: Retreating into sadness or defeat.

Sound familiar? While it’s easy to spot these behaviors in others, it’s much harder to see them in ourselves. That’s why self-awareness is the foundation of any meaningful change process.

Becoming the Scientist of Your Own Life

Imagine your life as a petri dish and yourself as a scientist observing it. How do you react when your ego feels challenged? Start collecting data:

• What behaviors show up?
• What beliefs fuel those behaviors?
• What physical sensations or emotions arise in those moments?

The ultimate question becomes:?What are you defending?

Time and again, I’ve found that the answer lies in protecting something tender. That softness—our innocence, vulnerability, and true essence—is often hidden beneath layers of armor we’ve built to survive and succeed.

From Toughness to Tenderness

For years, I believed I had to be tough to protect what was tender inside me. Toughness was my defense, my safety net, my way of ensuring no one could hurt the softest parts of me.

But here’s the breakthrough: the more I let go of toughness, the more I realized that tenderness is its own kind of strength. There’s nothing more resilient than a woman who embraces her softness while standing strong for what she believes in.

What About You?

If you’re a mother juggling work, family, and your own growth, ask yourself:

• How am I defending myself when life feels overwhelming?
• What tender parts of me am I protecting with this toughness?
• How can I create space for tenderness—at home, at work, and within myself?

The shift from toughness to tenderness doesn’t happen overnight, but it’s the key to building deeper connections and living with more authenticity.

?Toughness is a Tool; Tenderness is a Superpower

As you reflect on your journey, remember this: toughness might have gotten you where you are, but tenderness will take you further. It’s the bridge between your professional grit and the nurturing presence your family—and you—deserve.

Let’s redefine what it means to be strong. Because there’s nothing tougher than leading with an open heart.

Join the Conversation What’s your go-to defense mechanism? How are you learning to embrace more tenderness in your life? Reach out privately, and schedule some time to explore your challenges with toughness and tenderness. https://calendly.com/michelinegreen-coaching/clarity-call

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About the Author:

Micheline Green, M.ED, PCC is an executive coach supporting high-performing mothers balancing leadership and motherhood. With over 20 years of experience in coaching women leaders, Micheline is passionate about empowering mothers to thrive in both their careers and their personal lives, valiantly leading their children to the future they are creating. ?Connect with her for insights, coaching, and resources on balancing leadership and motherhood.https://calendly.com/michelinegreen-coaching/clarity-call

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