"Toughen Up: The Well-Intentioned Phrase That Does More Harm Than Good"
Dr. Parul Minhas
Director of Research & Innovation at Education Design International | Author | Architect | Educator | Neuroscience Enthusiast | Keynote Speaker | Content Creator
“Toughen up.”
It’s something many of us heard as children, and for some, it’s something we may now say to our own children. It’s said with good intentions, often driven by love and a desire to protect. But behind it lies fear—fear born from our own experiences of the world’s challenges.
The idea is to make a child resilient, but the impact is often the opposite.
As a child, whenever I heard the words 'toughen up,' I internalized them as messages like......
What I felt most was fear. Fear of being my true self. Fear of being vulnerable. Fear of letting people know how much they mattered to me. And fear of forming close relationships.
This fear didn’t make me stronger; it made me guarded. It taught me to hold back, to pretend, and to shrink parts of myself that made me who I was.
Rediscovering My True Self
It took years, but I eventually started to undo this conditioning. The shift began when I decided to embrace my real, authentic self.
I stopped pretending to fit in. I stopped trying to meet expectations that didn’t align with who I truly was. Instead, I allowed myself to just be. To bring my whole self into every interaction—whether personal or professional.
And something amazing happened. As I embraced my vulnerability, I saw others doing the same. I witnessed people breaking out of their shells, opening up, and engaging in deeper, more authentic conversations.
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Through this journey, I realized that the world isn’t as scary as I was led to believe. Yes, there are challenges, but there is also kindness, trust, and connection. When we let go of fear and trust our intuition, we create space for meaningful relationships and richer experiences.
"The world is more good than bad. When we trust children, they learn to trust themselves—and the world becomes a better place for everyone."
Raising Resilient, Authentic Children
So, how do we help a child who seems “too naive” or “too sensitive” without telling them to “toughen up”? I don’t have a magic formula, but here’s what I’ve learned from my own journey:
When a child has a strong connection with their inner self, they can trust their intuition and face life’s challenges with resilience—not because they’ve hardened, but because they are deeply rooted in who they are.
A Shift in Perspective
We don’t need to toughen children up to prepare them for the world. Instead, we need to nurture their connection with themselves, so they can trust their instincts and navigate challenges with confidence.
"Resilience isn’t about hardening; it’s about trusting."
Resilience isn’t about hardening; it’s about trusting. As caregivers, we’re not carpenters shaping children into a fixed mold. We’re gardeners, nurturing their growth and giving them the space to flourish in their own way.
Let’s stop scaring children into conformity and instead empower them to embrace their authenticity. The world is more good than bad. When we trust them, they learn to trust themselves—and the world becomes a better place for everyone.
Design Professional
1 个月Insightful
??Trauma Informed Educational Landscape Designer | ??Speaker | Merchant of Hope | Driver Of Change | Out Of The Box Thinker | Advocate | ECSE | Eternal Student | Trauma Survivor | Thriver |Allyship |??Hallway Pass
1 个月There’s so much to this quote that I could write about! I would also add that we need to let kids fail. That is hard as a parent because we want our children to be successful. But mistakes and failures are how we learn critical skills in life. And to learn we are not perfect beings, nor should we strive towards perfection. This quote is so detrimental because it stifles what children are truly feeling, and teaches them they aren’t allowed to feel and if they do, they are weak. This is little t trauma Whenever my daughter felt hurt by things her peers said to her, I don’t tell her to toughen up, but I did say this: “I like to pretend that my body is a mirror. So when people say hurtful things to me, it reflects (or bounces) right back to them and does not penetrate (or get through to) me.” It’s also a way of saying that when people say hurtful things, it’s a reflection of themselves, not an accurate portrayal of you; which I also explicitly would say to her. As you said in your article, every child needs a cheerleader; a constant, solid, trustworthy, and supportive adults their lives. This will build resiliency. I think I may use my comment as a future post! Thanks for tagging me and thanks for the thought-provoking article!
I Help High-Achieving CEOs Overcome Hidden Performance Barriers with my NeuroSmart? Framework—A Nervous System Approach to Sustainable Success, Resilience, and Wellbeing.
1 个月When in hear ‘toughen up’ especially with children in makes me angry. When adults understand the mechanisms of the nervous system and brain and vulnerability of children’s nervous systems are to cues of danger. They would behave differently, and in doing so would increase a child’s window of tolerance through co-regulation. Healthy co-regulation builds a healthy nervous system and resilience is an outcome of a flexible nervous system i
Design leader| Architect | Driving Innovation & Results in User-Centered Designs
1 个月The phrase “toughen up” and the concept of building resilience are often misunderstood as becoming emotionally hardened or less sensitive. However, true resilience is about cultivating acceptance of situations and using your sensitivity as a strength to navigate challenges more effectively. It involves managing your inner self, maintaining emotional balance, and building the confidence to face any situation without losing your authentic self.
Business and Academic Editor, Proofreader, Line Editor, Copy Editor
1 个月As an editor, I have to add a little something about usage here. Great post, BTW! Look at how the usage has grown for this word as of late. That tells you something about our society.