Tough Transitions — Rebuild to Thrive

Espíritu ?

Veterans Equine Alliance

THE HORSE GUY?

COACHING WITH HORSES

STORY #147

TOUGH TRANSITIONS

????Rebuilding to thrive

Most of us will feel seriously lost 3-4 times in life. The path we have been on ends and there is no path forward that we recognize. Action that used to work doesn’t anymore. Attempts to make something happen or to force a way forward fail. Financial setbacks, injuries and health crises, relationship struggles, career challenges can stop us in our tracks. Sometimes the doorway into ‘Lost’ is more subtle. We may have achieved everything we wanted and find we feel empty and hollow inside, anxious and confused. Or we lose everything we thought once defined us and, instead of dying or wanting to die, we discover we feel more alive than ever. Either way, something has to give. The assumptions that drove us will need to be re-examined; they don’t work anymore.

Military Vets:

The mission in your transition is: LAND, LEARN, AND THRIVE.

Veterans transitioning into civilian life often struggle with the question of where, if anywhere, do they have and add value. Sadly, many conclude they have no value. At VEA we know there is a better way. The horses are showing this way to us. It is not typical on-line human fare, i.e., The Three Quick and Easy Ways to Happiness, Wealth and Reality Show Beauty (just buy this DVD). The horse way is real and true, and built on a set of assumptions we all once knew but have forgotten. Let’s get at it.

MINDSET MATTERS

Inner - Outer Worlds

The world we think we see and respond to each day is a mirror of the world going on in our minds. We don’t know much about this inner world. We therefore assume everything it shows us is real and true, without questioning it. If we assume the world is a threatening place, or once was, we will see threats everywhere. If we assume the world has a place for us, we will see opportunities others miss. Which kind of world do you want to live in? Much of the inner world is just noise that distracts us. Horses are especially tuned into your inner world of energy, thoughts, feelings, intentions. They mirror it back to you. More importantly, they draw out from you what is highest and best.

Light - Dark Parts?To Carry

We each carry both of these parts in us. The light can take the form of mission, purpose, joy, satisfaction and peace. The dark represents our fears, doubts and insecurities. Times of deep change can evoke much of the darker elements of fear and self doubt. Know that you are not alone in feeling these; all of us have our stories to tell. Horses sense this place in you and, unlike many humans, offer no judgment. The experience of being seen by horses with an absence of judgement can itself be healing. The question we might need to ask: ‘Where would I be without the self judgement I hammer myself with?’

If you have people in your life who drag you down or simply don’t get you, tell them you will call them back.

Never call them back.

VALUE IS INHERENT — IT IS NEITHER EARNER OR CAN BE LOST

Ever since we sat in elementary school classrooms or church pews we were learning that whoever was in front of the room had more value. They knew more than we did and could do things we didn’t know how to do. All along the way we have been trained to see value as something outside of us, tied to things we do and how well we do them. Because value was seen as “outside of us” it could be threatened by others and lost. If we worked hard, proved ourselves and caught the right breaks we could earn it back. At the end of the day this mindset is a trap; people can lose their lives in it.

Proper mindset: You have value because of who you are. Period. Achievements, setbacks, good times and bad; all of these come and go. What never changes is your value.

Proper mindset: You have value because of who you are. Period. Achievements, setbacks, good times and bad; all of these come and go. What never changes is your value. Be who you are and let that be enough. This is how horses see and sense you. When you are at home with yourself it is easier for horses to be at ease with you, too. We all need friends and allies who remind us of our value when we slip and forget. Alone, our minds can play tricks on us; the tricks are never healthy.

A COMMUNITY WHERE YOU FIT AIDS YOU IN YOUR MISSION

Horses and humans are herd animals. We function better when we are with those who ‘get us’ and support our place with them. Horses know their survival depends on being in a herd with others. Horses living on their own on farms don’t do nearly as well as those in herds. Solitary horses in the wild don’t last long; they will not die of old age. People are very similar. We need to be with those who see, hear and respect us and expect the same from us. It is much easier to focus on the mission when you have a community to return to. If you are in a life transition don’t go it alone. Even if you can, why would you? Sitting in a paddock or pasture and observing horses will tell you all you need to know about the importance of finding your place in the herd.

ACTION AND NON-ACTION ARE BOTH REQUIRED

The archetype here is all about being a man or woman of action. Direct, self-driven action. Whether planning a project, completing an assignment on the job, buying a car or a bag of carrots, we love people who know how to get stuff done. This is true in the military and civilian worlds alike. If you know what you want and how to achieve it, this is a great approach. Who would argue this?

It is only one way of taking action, however, not the only. There are times when this option is not available. Lying flat on your back unconscious in the hospital. Suffering a deep depression or grappling with prolonged despair. Mourning the loss of something or someone close. Being at your wits’ end after trying everything others said would work (but it didn’t). In these instances taking direct action can be tough.

You’re actually in the middle of a spiritual journey, perhaps without realizing it. What makes it spiritual is that your highest and strongest longings are activated as well as your deepest, most stubborn doubts and fears. This is not an accident. It is not happening to you, but for you.

The absence of what you long for is a painful reminder of what matters most to you. The fears now are mental noise, like desert mirages where everything seems real but nothing actually is. Having good partners helps here. So does prayer. Not the pretty kind of prayer with ornate candles and holy water. Now is the time for burning prayers — groans, guttural grunts, and anguish. You know something about prayers like this, don’t you?

The strongest prayers often have no words in them. The Sacred Source hears and responds to these. This is not about religion but about a deep body-born faith, shaped in dirt, exhaustion and tears. You’re not alone and never have been.

The horses see the essential in you. They also sense the unrest, too. They remind us that as upsetting and challenging as transitions can be, they do not define us. Our anguish does not mean something bad about us. Re-read the section on’Value’ here.

THE CHALLENGE IS TRANSLATION

The big question many vets face when their service to the nation ends is: ‘What do you want to do now?’ For some, the answer is clear —go to college, graduate school, etc. For those with families the answer likely is: get a job and begin making money. Food, housing, healthcare and transportation are now your responsibility. Jumping at the first offer is tempting and understandable. Veterans change jobs more frequently in the first three years after discharge more than any other employment group. What’s going on?

Some vets question what value they bring to employers. This doubt or confusion is often triggered by a belief that nothing they’ve done in military service can be translated into civilian employment. They are half right — the real issue is learning to translate responsibilities, achievements, and assignments that mattered into language employers understand. Once this is understood, much of active duty experience is directly transferable to the workplace.

Deployment experience

Night raids hunting enemy positions — Semper Fi — insuring ammo and equipment arrive on time regardless of conditions — team performance under harsh and volatile conditions — air assault execution — mission clarity in the face of political ambiguity. These competencies, to name a few, may resemble aspects of your deployment.?

What employers understand

What employers understand is: agile movement in harsh consumer market conditions — many voices, one mission ( alignment around shared interests and priorities ) — high level supply chain coordination — forging trust and cooperation without drama — innovation and appropriate risk taking, staying smart in my work, challenging old assumptions — courageous conversations and conflict management skills — staying in the conversation when it’s not easy — keeping my promises — doing what I say I’ll do.

Get the idea? Don’t leave translation to employers. Most have no idea how to do this. Horses cannot help with translations, unfortunately. We have two legged staff members at VEA who are adept at this work. When done well, translating your experience into employer language allows you to stand before employers with confidence, clarity and power. The best version of yourself. This combination is hard for employers to resist.

Join us and meet the herd at VEA. We want to be your partners and walk alongside you during your transition and beyond.

Thank you for reading this perspective. And remember this —

???For the Sake of Strangers

No matter what the grief, its weight, we are obliged to carry it.

We rise and gather momentum,?

the dull strength that pushes us through crowds.

And then the young boy gives me directions so avidly.?

A woman holds the glass door open, waiting patiently for my empty body

to pass through.

All day it continues, each kindness reaching toward another-a stranger singing to no one?as I pass on the path,

trees offering their blossoms,?

a child who lifts his almond eyes and smiles.

Somehow they always find me, seem even to be waiting, determined to keep me from myself,?

from the thing that calls to me as it must have once called to them-

this temptation to step off the edge and fall weightless, away from the world.

By Dorianne Laux

You have much support, both seen and unseen. Keep your head and heart in the game.

With love — the horses and humans at

VETERANS EQUINE ALLIANCE

https://veteransequinealliance.com

ESPíRITU?

https://espirituhorse.com