Tough Talk - Pt. 2 (Self-Talk)

What got you here won't get you there. – Marshall Goldsmith

Each time I faced an interview or a significant task, I reminded myself of my talents and past successes. ?I often entered situations with confidence, believing I could make things happen. However, that all changed when I heard, "We decided to go with someone else," or "That wasn't quite the result we expected from you."? When we have strong faith in our abilities, it's easy to think others are the problem, perhaps believing they didn't recognize our potential or support us adequately. ?While these thoughts might sometimes be valid, it is important not to deflect responsibility or blame others for our failures. As leaders, we understand that taking the easy way out never works. ?Instead, we need to focus on the one thing we can control: ourselves.

Some of the most challenging discussions we face are not with others but with ourselves.?When something does not go as we expect, it is crucial that we take an introspective view of our own performance.? We should ask ourselves, “What did we do well? ??Where could we have been more effective? ?How would we rate our performance?” ?These conversations within ourselves are valuable because true growth can be achieved.? As a saying from an annual conference I attend goes, “Everyone gets better when the leader gets better.”? Just as we have difficult conversations with our teams to help them improve, it's equally important to have similar tough talks with ourselves.? Here are four key discussions we should have with ourselves at different times and in various situations.

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When To Say No!

As a young leader, it's common to feel the urge to say 'Yes' to every opportunity that comes your way, fearing you might miss out on something significant.? You say to yourself, “You never know when you might be missing out on something big.” ?Or you might think, “You never want to turn down an opportunity.”? While this mindset is understandable, it can sometimes be counterproductive to your career and overall performance, especially if you lack the time to take on extra tasks.? It's important to be selective and intentional, carefully weighing the pros and cons of each opportunity. ?Avoid volunteering for projects that won't contribute to your development.? However, do not shy away from opportunities that offer other benefits, such as a project in data analysis that allows you to collaborate with experts in the field, even if it's not your strength. ??Weigh the value in contrast to the time constraints in your role.? Focus on engaging in opportunities that align with your strengths or help you develop skills you wish to improve.

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Not Going to Change … Are Going to Grow

My greatest strength lies in building relationships, and I recognize that activities diverting me from this tend to drain my energy. ?Analyzing data, for example, is not a priority for me. ?However, this does not mean I accept that I will never be good at it. ?Because my career began in accounting, which involves data analysis, I understand that in a constantly evolving business environment, one cannot remain stagnant. ?Thus, it is essential to manage areas where we need to stay relevant, even if they are not our strengths.

There are things that we may not have excel at, but we must be effective at.? Marcus Buckingham refers to this as "managing your weakness." ?This concept does not imply being ineffective in an area, although that can be true. ?Instead, it acknowledges areas that mentally drain us in a nonproductive way. ?By collaborating with talented individuals who excel in these areas, we can exchange work or learn from each other to grow. ?Rather than trying to change areas with minimal potential for professional growth, it is more beneficial to focus on areas where we can truly develop.

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Elsa: ?Time to Move On

I recently faced a challenging situation where I was advocating for an idea that promised significant benefits and had the support of key shareholders and influencers. Despite my efforts, the final decision-maker chose a different path, and I was not able to implement my vision. That hurt.? A lot, especially after investing so much time and research. Initially, I felt a strong urge to be resentful or even consider leaving the department or organization. ?However, after reflecting on the situation and weighing all my options, I realized how much I love my job and team. ?I understood that I needed to move on for the sake of my team and continue to perform at my best. ?Many of you might have experienced similar setbacks, such as having a project rejected, missing out on a promotion, or receiving an unfavorable review.? However, it is important to find a way to move past these disappointments. ?Great leaders use these experiences as motivation for future endeavors and view them as learning opportunities rather than failures. ?Embrace the lesson, and as Elsa says, “Let it go!”

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You Must Get Better

The recruiter informed me, “We decided to go in another direction.”? Despite having the support of my team and many members of the management team backing my candidacy, I did not get the job. ?It was frustrating, and many people believed I deserved it. ?However, I recalled a story I had mentioned in an earlier article about a young wrestler who succeeded at every level until he faced his first loss. Instead of fixating on the odds against him or the unfair barriers, he simply resolved, “I must get better.”? After allowing myself a 24-hour period to process the disappointment, I focused on improving. ?I took the constructive feedback to heart and worked to change the narrative it represented. ?I aimed to be ready for the next opportunity, which I anticipated might come the following year. To my surprise, a new opportunity arose just six months later, and I was prepared. They hired me.

We all need to have the talk that we must get better.? While we can strive to advance to the next level, sometimes our efforts don't lead to success. ?When that happens, we face a choice.? Do we stick with the same approach, or do we make changes to better prepare for future opportunities? This is not about blaming others or attributing failures to factors beyond our control. ?Instead, it's about self-reflection and asking the same questions you would when helping a team member improve:

1.????? What Happened? – Understand the outcome, identify the goal, and assess how close you came to achieving it

2.????? Why did it happen? – Gather data and feedback to evaluate the factors that led to the outcome

3.????? What change is necessary? – Use the information collected to determine what needs to be done differently or better.

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Managing our internal dialogue is one of the most challenging aspects of leadership.? It is crucial to have a circle of people who can help us navigate these tough conversations with ourselves. ?This does not mean you need a single confidant or a group of people dictating what's right or wrong. ?After all, you became a leader because of your sound judgment, but even the best leaders have mentors to bounce ideas off and ask the right questions to ensure they are on the right track. It is important to engage in tough self-talk not to criticize ourselves but to identify potential blind spots and make informed decisions moving forward. Let us be confident in our abilities while remaining humble enough to recognize that we can always improve. ?Be ready to have a tough talk with yourself.