Tough as a Mother – Navigating pregnancy and motherhood during a pandemic

I have learned more in the last year than I have in my entire life. When I found out I was pregnant in May 2020, I was ecstatic. My whole life was changing and fortunately, it was not due to COVID-19. The world was in quarantine and I couldn’t begin to guess COVID’s impact on my pregnancy and the challenges it would soon create. I often heard interesting perspectives on what being pregnant in a pandemic was like, but very few rang true to my lived experience. Throughout my pregnancy I was lonely, worried about COVID exposure, and trying to keep up with a demanding work schedule. Now as I adjust to being a working mom, I’m learning the importance of support and an inclusive workplace.

Change is already hard and change during a pandemic introduced new challenges most people weren’t prepared for. As your colleagues and friends welcome new little ones into their families, let’s demystify some misconceptions.

“The pandemic is the perfect time to have a baby.”

The biggest perk of being pregnant during COVID was working from home. Instead of running down the hall to use the office bathroom, I could turn off video and mute my call when “morning sickness” hit. I resurrected the term “puke and rally” from college with a very different meaning this time around. Although it was nice to be comfy and have proximity to a private bathroom, I wasn’t just working from home. I was doing everything from home. I slept, worked, exercised, and watched TV all in one room, where I spent on average 20 hours a day. The only time I left the house was for walks outside. This is isolating for anyone, but it hit even harder being pregnant. I was so excited to share this time with friends and family, but it wasn’t a safe option to do so in-person. Even special moments were scaled down to immediate family or moved online, like baby showers and holidays. After spending all day on video calls for work, it was difficult to find joy connecting with others virtually.

The adage “it takes a village to raise a child” is as true as ever, but the pandemic made this impossible for many new parents. Friends met my son through the window and close family quarantined and got tested for COVID before visiting. As I talk with other new moms, I learned we all adapted quickly – prioritizing what was most important and trying to practice grace with ourselves. For me, this created two distinct ways of seeing myself. When I’m successfully juggling my child, relationships with the people I love, and my corporate career, I see myself as a total bad ass. When I let something drop or am pushed to the next level of exhaustion, I see myself as fragile. Like someone else could push me over with the tip of their finger.

I don’t know if there is ever a perfect time to have a baby, but let me assure you that during a pandemic, it isn’t any easier.?From the outside looking in, it means not missing out on a girl’s trip or worrying about finding a flattering maternity dress for the upcoming holiday party. But in reality, it’s a jumble of internal emotions. It felt like each choice was a dichotomy between physical and mental health. With the COVID cases at an all time high, physical health consistently took priority and options to support my mental health became more limited with so much of my “normal life” on pause.

“Our society supports 50/50 parenting.”

Working in Diversity & Inclusion, I’m hyper aware of gender equity issues and how it can affect the working experience of women. COVID created new barriers and exasperated traditional gender roles. During the pandemic, my husband was not able to attend doctor appointments with me, including my?40-week appointment where I was told that the baby’s heartrate was dipping and I needed to immediately drive myself to the hospital to give birth. Even after birth, the baby’s doctor appointments were limited to one parent. This is not only missed milestones and memories for one of the parents, but?it subconsciously puts the responsibility of the baby on the person physically carrying the child.

As I’ve been transitioning back to work a common question I’ve been asked is, “do you have childcare?” And when I say yes, it’s usually followed with something about how I’m fortunate to have the help. This brings up two things. First, I am very fortunate to have access to childcare because not every parent does. Second, this depicts childcare as a luxury – something optional. Like new moms are expected to work full time, care for their children 24/7, and always show up with a smile. It’s also a double standard. No one is asking my husband if he has childcare. They just assume someone else is caring for the child while he works.

Determining clear responsibilities with your partner can help share the emotional and physical labor of a child. You can divide tasks like cooking and cleaning or what I’ve found to be most helpful is to create “on duty” shifts where one parent is responsible for caring for the child. When I am “off duty” I can sneak in a virtual workout class, take a shower, or zone out to a reality TV show. This can be easier said than done, but I’ve found that practice leads to progress. Having moments that are mine allow me to be more present and enjoy the time I do have with my little one.

“New moms appreciate less responsibility at work.”

I work for a company that has a transitional period and allows me to work part-time at full pay for one month. This is AMAZING and so important because let’s be honest – most people that work part-time, work more than they are getting paid for. Many moms face stereotypes in the workforce. They are passed over for big projects because of the time commitment needed or not offered a business trip because it would mean being away from home. I’ve found that these assumptions come from a caring place, but they undermine the individual and limit their career growth. Let’s normalize asking questions and not projecting our own views onto others.?

When returning to work, be up front about your expectations. When out on leave, lots of decisions tend be made that affect the team or work you may be returning to. It is vital to vocalize what is important to you and not to bend to someone else’s idea of what your workload should be. For me this was advocating for a clear scope of work, having the autonomy to make day-to-day decisions, and lead projects with clear impact. I don’t think new moms need less responsibility – they just need more flexibility to deliver the great work they’ve been consistently delivering over the course of their career.

The last 18 months have been difficult on everyone, but I can vouch for it being particularly tough for pregnant and postpartum women who are transitioning into their new identity as “mom” while navigating a global pandemic. If you have new parents in your work or personal community, reach out to offer support, ask questions and actively listen. If you became a new mom during the pandemic, you may have cancelled your babymoon, attended birth or parenting classes online, not been able to participate in "mommy & me" activities and pulled off a mask to kiss your baby for the first time. You are tough as a mother and you have so much to be proud of.