Was This “Tough Love” or Just Tough?

I just watched one of the best examples ever of giving a direct report?extremely?direct feedback that?their executive presence needed massive upgrading?if they wanted to be taken seriously at the top ranks.

One of my favorite shows is?The Diplomat?on Netflix.

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Kerri Russell plays the new US ambassador to the UK, after decades of field service in the Middle East. She also finds out very early on in the series that she’s being considered as a potential Vice Presidential candidate… a position she doesn’t really want.

In?this clip?(not spoiling anything for anyone who is watching the show) she has an encounter with the current VP, brilliantly played by Allison Janney, and they have what some might call a “Come-to-Jesus” talk.

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The VP’s core message:?You utterly lack executive presence, and you need to step it up if you’re ever going to succeed at the top.

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It was blunt. It was direct. There was no sugar-coating. Not one smile or word of encouragement.

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In today’s world, most people’s natural reflex might be closer to “screw you” than “thank you.”

I thought it was FABULOUS.

Here’s why:

• Context: If you can’t handle that tiny bit of critique, you definitely don’t have the stomach to be VP of the nation (where the criticism is vicious)
• Know your audience: It was the right degree of directness (not too hard or too soft) for the listener and the topic
• Concrete and Actionable: Every point was specific, reasonable, and fixable
• Crystal-Clear:?No ambiguity whatsoever
• Objective: She never gave her opinion; she only shared what she had learned through experience; no name-calling
• Controlled: Her body language and tone of voice were intentional but calm and not aggressive or condescending
• Autonomy of choice: She identified options, and what would be the likely consequences of each, for better or worse

While the Ambassador clearly had her own “authentic” style preferences, the VP merely explained?how that preference would be interpreted?in different contexts, but left it up to the Ambassador to decide which was more important:

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• Is her identity and ego so tied to her stylistic preferences that she’s willing to accept the likely (negative) response it will get?
• Or can she find a way to?evolve stylistically in a way that will enable her to be more successful AND still authentic

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It was the perfect example of tough love: The metaphorical kick in the pants delivered with just enough power to reflect the magnitude of what’s at stake, because the advice was coming from the lens of “I’m telling you how to WIN.?You don’t have to like it,?but if you want to win, you’ll follow it. And you’ll thank me for it later.”

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Had the VP used?insults, sarcasm, condescension,?or in any way expressed hope or belief that the Ambassador would fail, it just would have been tough… not love.

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And of course if she had done it?in front of others, especially non-allies in the cause, that would have been more than just “tough,” it would have been?public shaming, which is anything?but?love.

Bonus:?The VP talked the talk AND walked the walk,?modeling the contextually appropriate? kind of executive presence both in her appearance and in her ability to have tough conversations the right way with the right people at the right time – which is?an essential leadership communication skill?in?any?context.

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If the idea of having to be that direct with people is terrifying, perhaps it’s time to work on that aspect of?your?executive presence too.

Delivering news people aren’t going to like is part of the job.

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Doing it in a way that they will respect you for it is part of job?success.

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If it’s not something you do well in the current job, how can you expect to do it successfully at the next career level?

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If you realize that’s something that?might be holding you back professionally,?drop me a line.

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And thinking about speaking truth to power, if you haven’t checked it out yet, don’t forget to listen to my?AlphaWhisperers: Genesis?podcast with Janet Salazar, about managing up, and being “the power behind the power.”

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You can check it out on?YouTube,?Apple Podcasts,?Spotify, and?Amazon.

Do yourself a favor and take two minutes to watch the clip above. You’ll like it AND you’ll thank me later.