Tough Conversations: the down-and-dirty guide
There are a lot of tough conversations needed in the world right now. Our human instinct is to avoid difficult conversations, to fear them, worry about the outcomes, and work hard to avoid the conflicts. But conflicts are not only inevitable, they are healthy. They allow for dialogue that gets to the root of a situation or issue and creates space for change, opportunity for growth, and fosters trust, often in places where there was none before.
That being said, tough conversations are exactly that, tough. For this reason, it is imperative that we prepare for these conversations – regardless of the size, the issue, or the number of people involved. Here are some quick down-and-dirty methods for preparing for, managing and following up on those conversations we all dread.
PREPARING FOR TOUGH CONVERSATIONS
Remove your emotions. This may be one of the tougher tasks when preparing for a difficult conversation. However, if you want the conversation to be productive, start by checking yourself. How do you feel about the conversation you are about to have? If you are angry, you need to ask yourself why? Did you have a role in the outcomes that led to this conversation? What was it? Can you see it from the other person’s perspective? If it’s a group of people, what do you feel about that group?
Once you’ve determined how you feel about the conversation, plan as if you are not one of the participants in the conversation. Talk to everyone as if they are a human being – because they are. If you talk down to them the conversation will not go well. So, make sure you’re not in that head space. If you are in that headspace, do not have the conversation until you can be more objective.
Know what you’re talking about. Make sure you have all the information about a situation before you jump into a tough conversation. With tensions high, one wrong piece of information can shut down an entire conversation. Don’t just understand what happened, also understand why it happened. Why did the individual or group respond a specific way? Why did it make sense to proceed in a specific direction? You don’t need to identify a “why” that you agree with, just a rationale for the outcome that may have made sense in the moment.
Plan the conversation. Plan for both what you want to get out of the conversation and what you want to say. Your goals for the conversation – what you want to get out of it – should be positive. The goal should not be to make someone feel bad. When people feel bad, they shut down and they get defensive. It is very difficult to come back from that. The goal should be something that can move you and the individual or group forward. Even if the conversation is around getting fired, this can be a positive conversation if it is planned well.
LEADING TOUGH CONVERSATIONS
State your ground. Start the conversation by stating why you’re together. Talk about why you’re there and what you’re hoping to get out of the conversation. Be honest. Remember, words have weight – what you say matters so choose your words carefully. Make sure they not only reflect the truth of how you feel/the situation, but that they align with your goals for the conversation. If the goal is to reach some kind of resolution, your language should be open ended and invite discussion. If your conversation to make someone aware of an issue, you should be direct, specific and help the other person achieve understanding.
Above all else, be brief. This should not be a 15-minute lecture on a situation or problem. This should be a quick, “I wanted to speak with you today to address an issue I think we can work on together.” Or, “I brought everyone together today because we have a shared concern that should be addressed collectively.” And whatever you do, do not start by telling the individual or group what your conclusions are. If you start with your completed assessment of the situation, there is nowhere to go. And remember, conclusions based on your planning for this conversation are one sided – yours. The dialogue you are starting is intended to fill out the information you already have. Until you have all of that information, how can you have a conclusion?
Ask questions. Even if you think you know everything there is to know about a situation or an issue, your best course of action is to ask questions. There is undoubtedly something about the situation you are working to address that you do not fully understand, and asking questions will not only help you achieve a better understanding, but will give space for the group or individual you are speaking with to share openly.
As people are answering your questions, validate them. Give an understanding nod, an audible agreement. When they are done speaking, find a point of agreement – this could be something like, “I did not know that, thank you for sharing that with me.” Or something like, “That sounds like it was very difficult for you, thank you for giving me your perspective.” If you are in a group meeting, look for the people who are in agreement with what is being said and those individuals that appear to put-off by what is being said. Invite those people into the conversation with questions that engage them based on the body language you are seeing.
Listen. Listen like it’s your only job, because it is. Once you’ve stated the situation and what you’re hoping to get out of the conversation, ask for their input and then stop talking. If need be, ask questions; but again, once they start to answer those questions, don’t interrupt. If you interrupt, people will climb back inside themselves and all the work done up to that point will be lost.
If your tough conversation is a one-one-one, make sure you're looking at body language and eye contact, try to understand, not just what the other person is saying, but how they feel about what they are saying. Validate their answers and keep listening. This builds trust and trust fosters dialogue. If you are in a group meeting, make sure everyone gets a chance to answer questions. This gives everyone’s voice a chance to be heard by everyone in the room - a real win/win.
WRAPPING UP TOUGH CONVERSATIONS
Recap it. Don’t let anyone leave the room until the conversation has been summarized. Obviously, any actions that have been discussed should be listed and assigned to people. After a tough conversation where change must happen, everyone in the room should walk away with a task intended to improve the situation. It could be as simple as, “From now on, we are all going to check in with Barbara before we contact her team.” Regardless of the situation, the people in the room during the conversation have some role to play. Their role moving forward to effect the desired change should be clearly stated.
Show gratitude. Thank everyone for coming to the conversation. Even if it feels like there is more to do – and it will feel like that because there will be work to do – thank them for being open, honest and sharing their thoughts and experiences. Be transparent about how tough it was for you, and invite everyone to share any additional thoughts they have in the days that follow.
Follow up. This always seems like a no-brainer and yet, it is always the piece that is missing. If you were leading the tough conversation, then you are also responsible for the follow up – even if other follow up items were assigned to people in the conversation.
Tell people that you will follow up and when. Then do it. Check in with people casually as it makes sense, and also set time on the calendar for tasks to be officially addressed. This way everyone is on the same page as to the “by when” actions are expected.
---
About the Author: No?l is a Communications Strategist in New York. She believes the world would be a better place if we engage our neighbors, learn to communicate effectively, and put family first – whatever shape your family takes.
This article was originally posted in the June 2020 T&F Communications newsletter.