Tough Conversations: Describing the Issue

‘Fight or flight’ – what do we mean by this? It is simply the automatic reaction you have to an event that is perceived as stressful or frightening. Understanding your default reaction is the first step in being able to manage it effectively. We will not delve into the definition in detail, but it is something worth spending time exploring and researching if you are in a position of having a tough conversation (there are plenty of articles online as a starting point).

Managing “Fight” Behaviours

During the conversation:

• Take a deep breath and count to 10
• Avoid jumping to assumptions and remain curious. Ask a question instead of making a judgement. “What makes you feel that way?”
• Re-state what you’ve heard them say to give yourself some time
• Stick with the facts
• State the emotion. “I’m feeling angry/frustrated right now because…”
• Take a time out
• What is likely to trigger my flight reaction during the conversation?

Managing “Flight” Behaviours

Before the conversation, ask yourself:

• Why is it important you have this conversation?
• What are the consequences if I don’t have this conversation?
• What’s the worst thing that could happen? Can I live with that?
• What is likely to trigger my flight reaction during the conversation?

During the conversation:

• Remind yourself of the costs prior to backing down/getting too aggressive
• Re-state what you’ve heard them say
• Acknowledge their feelings
• Re-state the facts and your expectations.

Once you have considered these, you can move to the next stage of the conversation. As you have already prepared, written your opening statement, and identified the key facts, it is now time to commence the meeting and describe the issue.

Firstly, it is important that you clearly state the problem, and your objectives, up front. In doing this, you help the other person to understand the purpose of the discussion. Then you will make a brief statement of the facts, and the impact.

When you are doing this, think about the tone of your voice and how that is coming across to the other person. Be sure to present the issue with examples, to really bring to life what you are saying and show that you have evidence. You can also discuss the impact from you own perspective, which will provide further context into the conversation.

Finally, you must allow the other person to react before you continue the conversation. It is vital that you pause to consider opinion and perspective before jumping straight to solutions.

Addressing the issue is what we will explore as step three in the next installment.?