Touchy Issues? Start a Conversation, Not a Boxing Match

Every week this year in our She Negotiates newsletter, the Tuesday Muse, we're posing an Asking Challenge, followed by a Giving Challenge. To prime the pump, we asked our readers what kinds of negotiation circumstances give them the most trouble.

One of our readers, Christine, asked this:

"I facilitate sessions to staff/student/faculty at all levels in a learning and development environment and offer front line advising to students/parents at a post-secondary school. I like to foster dialogue which is neutral and oftentimes my audience - varied as I have indicated above - is anxious or have adopted a hierarchical attitude. Is it possible to address how to  'negotiate' a neutral setting in these circumstances?"

Mindset First

At the outset of any conversation it's likely and typical that the parties may have different preferences, needs or goals. Setting the tone for a more neutral or collaborative discussion involves shifting your own mindset first. That is, adopting the perspectives that 1) you're having a conversation not a boxing match; 2) It's a conversation in which you'd like to find a mutually beneficial agreement; and 3) you don't know what's important to your conversation partner until you ASK.

Curiosity Next

So Christine, one of the fundamental strategies in interest-based, collaborative negotiation is asking diagnostic questions—open-ended questions that help you diagnose what the other party's interests are. If you start by conveying your "neutral" mindset, saying for example, "I'd like to collaborate with you to find a solution that meets both our interests," you can follow that up with questions like:

• How can I help you?
• What would you like to see happen?
• If you could have all your needs met, what would that look like?
• What are your challenges? Fears?
• What information do you need to make a decision?
• What seems unclear? Difficult? 

When you understand more deeply what your conversation partner wants, you can begin brainstorming possible ideas, solutions and opportunities. And you can use this strategy whenever you sense the conversation might be heading south. 

• It looks like you're uncomfortable with that idea, can you explain your reaction?
• What concerns or constraints might I not be aware of?

This week's Asking Challenge...

• Think about a particular relationship or circumstance that always seems to devolve into unworkability--a staff or team meeting, a partner, a sibling, or child.
• Seek to resolve the issue or pattern by being curious, asking questions, brainstorming solutions.
• Your goal is to shift the dynamic and improve process and/or relationship.

And Now for Giving

October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. One of the most powerful "lightworkers" in this movement is our friend Brooke Axtell, a speaker, writer, poet, singer and passionate activist.

Here is a link to her powerfully moving story at the Grammy Awards last year, and here's a link to her resources page containing a list of organizations she recommends supporting or getting involved with.

Lisa is a negotiation consultant and executive coach who knows how to bridge the gap between self worth and net worth. She is the co-founder of She Negotiates and author of four titles at lynda.com, including Negotiation Fundamentals, Conflict Resolution Fundamentals, Coaching and Developing Employees and  Asking for a Raise.

Career Oxygen Workshop is what's up next at She Negotiates: