Total Workout
“Look Brett, if you want some seriously chiseled abs, you have to put more effort into your workout,” the tiger snapped at his client who was lying panting on the fitness bench, his all too heavy weights having slipped from his limp grip. “Now shape up!!” The neon lights in MUSCLE, Beastly’s uptown training center, were harsh and shone on the battered-looking skunk and the titanic trainer whose striped fur showed off an impressive amount of toned tiger flesh.
“Ow, yes, Mace, I’m sorry, but I slept terribly, because of all these reports coming out, you know? Allegations of sexual misconduct, the media call it, it is haunting me! I don’t know what to do?” the skunk wailed.
“We’ll start on the floor, Mister Brett Comonnow, go lie flat on your belly,” the tiger commanded.
“That’s exactly what I said to her!”
“And now do some hard pushups,” the instructor continued coolly, “fifteen times. And go! One. Two. Three. Four…”
“Tell me how - huff - to push back - huff - to these totally - huff - unjust – huff – claims? – huff – Should I - huff - have my lawyers - huff - write a scary - huff – back-off – huff - letter? – huff - What – huff - do you think – huff - of that - huff - Mace?”
“AND… rest. Now breathe in, slowly, right to your navel! Keep it right there -and breathe out!” The tiger slapped his mighty claw into the flabby belly of the skunk to make him exhale.
“PFFFFFff! It’s so unfair!” Brett puffed, “the outside world has a perverted view on the needs of an animal like me! In other cultures, it would be totally acceptable that a skunk of my age and position would have some old-fashioned harmless fun with underage females!”
“Well for starters, you could stop whining and start incorporating different techniques in your reputation care as well as in your workout routine! So, you could hire someone to take care of your good name,” the tiger threw in. “Now sit down and take those dumbbells like this and then swing them from one side to the other, slowly!”
The skunk did as he was told, sweating profusely, gasping and heaving in his vain effort to attain those desirable washboard abs.
“I would even say,” continued the instructor, while correcting his client with a kick in the back to make him sit up straight, “for your professional refurbishment; hire a reputation expert who has an intact reputation as a feminist.“
“A FEMINIST reputation specialist? That’s for lesbians!” Brett panted angrily, “I am a healthy MALE judge for chrissake!”
“Now down on your hands and feet! You should keep your arms and legs in a long straight line – like that. We call it The Plank, it’s a stabilizing exercise, to tone your core. And if you don’t want a feminist defending you, I would recommend a phony show of repentance, say you’re sorry, it was a total misunderstanding, you respect other animals! Just like Kevin! Hey, keep that butt of yours contracted and keep breathing!!”
“Harumpff- these days I can only dream of a hard butt” the skunk wheezed, lying prostrate and huffing from exertion. “You see – they call it sexual misconduct, it’s ridiculous, it was just a bit of innocent fun, we were droung and yunk, I mean young and drunk!”
“And stop!” the feline instructed, turning his back on the skunk to put the dumbbells back in their rack.
“But how the heck do I make all the articles and references of my conduct disappear from the top of the Google list?? What do you suggest I do, Mace?” Getting up from the floormat, Brett put his hand on the tiger’s shoulder for support.
“Oh that′s easy - we call it the False Shoulder Drop, like this!” Mace span around, seemingly embracing the skunk but dropping his total body weight on Brett’s arm, making him fall to the ground. BAM! the skunk fell flat on his back like a flipped pancake.
“The secret is, that you pull your attacker off balance while dropping your weight onto their arm,” the big cat explained with a broad smile. “You should falsely befriend her, show her you actually mean well, never meant any harm! Just like Placido! She won’t know what hit her, you see?”
“O yes, ouch, I see,” stuttered the skunk, getting up, painfully. “But that would be only ONE of those girls. As far as I heard, there are even two! How do I get rid of both of them?”
“Well, I know how to do that,” said the instructor, “you simply call your accusers out as pathological liars, saying they are becoming totally unglued! Just like Donald! But do you really want me to show you the move?” Before Brett had a chance to answer, the tiger whirled him around like a sack of potatoes, kicked his leg in the knee, so the skunk fell hopelessly backwards, and kept him on the ground in an unescapable hold.
“We call that The Lock and Restrain, see? And do you know how we definitely end such a smear campaign?” As Mace looked Brett deep into his eyes, the skunk was getting very uncomfortable trying to breathe under the weight of the tiger. “You want to know?” repeated Mace.
“Ahm, only if you can tell me, you don’t have to show me,” the skunk stammered feebly.
“Alright then,” said the instructor, dusting off his shaky client while helping him up. “To show the world that you are no predator but - on the contrary - a benefactor, you establish a big, beautiful philanthropical foundation, which you call “Females First” or some other sissy bullshit. Just like Jeffrey! Then you shower female applicants with scholarships and stipendiums within your field - which is law, right?”
“O yeah, that sounds good! What should I call this philanthropical fund? The Moaning Lisa?” the skunk snickered at his own joke.
“Hahaha,” snorted the tiger, “no, honestly, it would be best if you named this big, fat shiny fund after your mother! Just like Harvey! Females totally trip on that! As soon as those bitches eye the money, they will totally stop harassing you. Now ain’t that a very clever shut-up trap? And that’s why we call that move The Choke, see? Now shall we grab a beer at The Thirsty Monkey and go chat up some hot chicks?”
“Sure, just like Cristiano, right? He is in great shape!” Brett the skunk smiled from one dirty ear to the other at this saucy proposal - it would all work out wonderfully, he would soon be fit for fight again.
?marieke burgers
?illustration by idris van heffen