Top tips to weaponise your empathy

Are you looking for tips to get ahead or help transform your org? Have a more detailed look at empathy, there's more to it than meets the eye. Empathy as a humanistic ideal promises a better, less toxic world if only we can grasp it. A way for us to all get on and live happily ever after.

I am a big fan of this notion but we should not forget empathy is an offensive strategy too, not all tears and cuddles. Particularly Cognitive Empathy, defined by Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence as:

“Knowing how the other person feels and what they might be thinking. Sometimes called perspective-taking”

Daniel Goleman's book was written in 1995 but human experience is replete with examples of cognitive empathy used to our competitive advantage. We play chess, I look for my best moves, ignore yours. You look at the same from both our perspectives. Who wins? You.

According to the Atlantic, the term empathy dates back only a hundred years or so (and the definition keeps changing). But if we look back we can find an earlier treatise from the 5th Century BC:

“If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles.”

Sun Tzu, Art of War. Like most technology, the military got there first. And it took the rest of us the best part of a thousand years to catch up. Cognitive Empathy, like salt in cooking, makes everything better whatever our motivations and alignment. It makes us all better players of the game.

A number of offensive and defensive strategies involving empathy can be applied at varying levels in an organisation undergoing transformation. The effective formula, however, can vary depending on where you sit. Empathy (in all its forms) being a lowest common denominator.

But wait: some commentators point out that too much empathy in leadership can be a bad thing. This is war. Too much anything does not work, establishing a balanced approach is key.

Tip 1: provide the conditions that allow empathy to thrive

Empathy cannot thrive in environments that are hostile, time-poor and non-facilitated. Stop denigrating each other, make time outside of transactional dealings and step in and facilitate if others are struggling. Think of it as counselling. Give yourself permission to break out of the disfunction-- it is only a construct after all. Treat life as a game and it gets more fun and rewarding and easier to help others too.

Brown bag sessions, surgeries and secondments can be excellent ways of generating the conditions for empathy. As I have said before: empathy is resonance so provoke it.

Empathy also requires us to understand what we are there for and it is usually the customer. Techniques like DevOps allow us to reorient ourselves towards serving them and allow us to understand each other and the roles we play along the way:

Tip 2: empathise with the resistors

Perhaps this is a variant on "know your enemy" -- the enemy in question being resistance to change. Resistance to change is natural and something that most of us experience so try not to judge. Putting yourself into the resistor's shoes will reveal the elementary forces at work and allow you to formulate a winning strategy.

1. Senior leadership may be under intense spotlight and competition and cannot afford to appear weak and foolish. Pride, ego may be factors. Give them reasons to change, send them to see what good looks like and appeal to their need to land success. Give them a strategy and a plan
2. Middle management may fear loss of power and status and may feel adrift in a transforming world. Work through these with them and demonstrate you are listening. Work to remove fear and they may come round in time
3. Grassroots have change fatigue having seen competing initiatives comes and go. Listen to their concerns and give agency to their voices

The bitter roots in Buddhism seen as the cause of all poor mental states are: greed, hatred and delusion. These often lie at the heart of people's resistance to change. And the solutions? It can depend on that individual's state of inner development. A common delusion is fear driven by lack of understanding. Take the time with people. It is often worth it but remember: some of the best results take time so make your investments early.

Tip 3: empathise one person at a time

The unit of transformation is the individual. Ensuring you empathise with the individual rather than the group avoids making too many incorrect assumptions. This is particularly important to unravel and understand chains of resistance in the line of command e.g. I assume someone is being resistant but they have been told to toe the line by their boss who fears loss or blame.

Tip 4: group sense-making

One of the most misused phrases I have heard is "talking shop." It is often used pejoratively by people who have not mastered the art of group empathy. My favourite environments for this are: the pub, a community of practice (or Spotify-style guild) and a skunkworks project.

Unstructured approaches work best at first with the emphasis on building commonality and mind-share. What are the problems, what are the principles can be a good place to start. Facilitate to start the discussion if necessary but be careful not to dominate.

Tip 5: let people talk and simply listen

The demand of talkers is not being met by the supply of listeners. Try to even this out. Provide a sounding board or a shoulder to cry on and you will be rewarded with greater understanding of the individual concerned. Show sympathy towards their predicament in your future actions.

Tip 6: teach people skills and build a tribe of empathisers

I love this. Finding allies to my cause, providing tips and mentoring to allow them to spread the creed. It stimulates positive feedback. It can start simply by explaining "the reason person x behaves in this way is that they believe y because once z happened."

Bring people together when you have the chance.

Tip 7: provide stories that others can emphasise with

Stories and practical examples help people empathise with a future way of working far better than abstract theories. Create a vision of the new way of working and invite people to role play it with each other.

Tip 8: change your own mind

I use this one all the time. When I work at understanding things from others' point-of-view I often change my mind about the situation and individuals involved. Sometimes radically, sometimes in tiny shifts. It helps tune my mental model and situational awareness. It also helps me empathise further with the people I want to help change as I am drinking my own medicine.

Mini case study

Satya Nadella is a famous practitioner of empathy, and widely credited as turning-around Microsoft. These accomplishments have their groundings in his philosophy and upbringing and are covered in his book, Hit Refresh. Although some argue he has been too easy on the toxic elements in senior management, I would endorse his exemplary strategy of emphasising the positive and building strength in the new culture before taking on the big guns.

“Victorious warriors win first and then go to war, while defeated warriors go to war first and then seek to win.”

Sun Tzu again. I'm sure Satya has a well-thumbed copy amongst his collection of 20,000 books. As well as war, the old general would have been a master of empathy and transformation.

So here are my tips for weaponising empathy to aid with career growth and transformation. What is your experience? Do you have tips of your own you want to share?

Postscript:

Other empathy references

The originator of the flywheel, Jim Collins: