The Top 8 Things People Deeply Long For But Struggle To Attain

Part of Kathy Caprino's series "The Most Powerful You"

Several years ago, I offered a survey to my subscribers and community exploring a number of critical life and career questions. At that time, over 1,000 people responded either publicly or privately to me, and their answers were riveting. And in working with professionals from around the world who are from all walks of life and represent a wide range of demographics, socioeconomic backgrounds, education levels, cultures, and industries, I hear first-hand what people deeply long for but struggle to attain and experience. What’s so intriguing about these responses is that it’s more obvious with each passing year that the things we humans desperately want are not only universal and timeless, but also have become even more elusive and challenging to achieve and sustain, even as we “evolve” and develop in this tech-frenzied, time-pressured world.

The key question this survey probed was this:

"If you could say in one word what you want more of in life, what would that be?"

Of all the things people indicated they want more of, the following were the eight mentioned most frequently. Here’s the list and my personal take, as a career coach and former therapist and researcher who's spent 38 years in professional life, on what’s missing in life and work today, and why we can’t get enough of these elusive aspects and experiences.

The quotes below are from actual respondents, about what they perceive to be the biggest challenge in the way of what they’re longing for. As you read through this list below, I encourage you to think deeply about your own authentic answers to this question about what you deeply want more of today:

# 1: HAPPINESS

Biggest challenge: “I just not happy but I can't figure out what I want or what to do about it."

The top-mentioned missing element – Happiness – has become so hard to achieve, and even harder to maintain. In my work with professionals, I’ve seen that happiness continually escapes them because, first and most importantly, they don’t have a grasp on what will make them truly happy. They just don’t know themselves well at all.

Secondly, they search outside themselves for happiness – in a job, a partner, a family, a title, a paycheck, an impressive house, and more. As a result, happiness is constantly out of their control and is a perpetually moving target that never stands still long enough for them to grasp. I’m not saying that these things don’t bring happiness – of course, they can, if the way we view these things is positive and life-affirming. The key point is that if everything you’re searching for remains outside of you, you’ll always be chasing and scrambling.

#2: MONEY

Biggest challenge: “I don't have enough money to accomplish the things I want to do.”

I’ve worked with millionaires, as well as people who earn mid-six figures and far, far less. Isn’t it fascinating that no matter what we earn, so many people feel they never have enough? I know people with literally several million dollars in their retirement accounts, yet they live in a constant fear state around money that they never have a moment’s peace and can't enjoy spending for anything, even for family vacations that are supposed to be joyful.

The key question to address is: "How much money do you really need to bring about the life experiences that will truly fulfill you?" And if you long for more money, do you understand the key principles, behaviors and mindsets required to generate it? Finally, do you understand your own money story and how you habitually operate with money that might be keeping you from generating more money and sustaining financial growth?

#3: FREEDOM

Biggest challenge: “I don't have the freedom or control in my life to pursue my ‘true purpose’ or the direction I want to."

Ah, freedom. We all want it, yet so many people I meet are resistant to doing what’s required to actually get it. 

We want to “feel” free, yet are scared to death to muster the courage to do what’s necessary to “become” free.

What is necessary to experience freedom? I’ve seen that it requires making yourself "right" (and not doubting yourself at every turn and making yourself wrong about what you think and want), and following your own authentic values and beliefs. It requires building stronger, healthier boundaries to protect yourself from caving into other people's demands that aren't in your best interest, and releasing yourself from "perfectionistic overfunctioning" every day of your life. And it takes forging your own path in life and work, despite the challenges and the naysayers. It requires "finding brave" and mustering the power and courage to make yourself your own highest authority on life and work, and that’s no easy thing today. Sadly, most of us aren’t taught or trained (particularly women) how to stand up powerfully for what we want and believe in, and to go after it with undying passion and commitment.

Here's more about the 10 ways to find brave in order to create the power, impact and freedom you long for.

#4: PEACE

Biggest challenge: “I have no sense of peace at all in my life. I'm constantly worried and anxious about what I'm doing, who I am, and where my life is going."

We long for peace, desperately. Peace from noise, chatter, pressure, responsibilities. Peace from people who disturb and anger us. Peace from the strife and conflict in the world around us. And peace from the fears we hold inside about our health, wellness, safety and security.

We also want peace from the painful thumping inside our own heads – the conflicts and strain we inflict on ourselves every minute to be better, stronger, smarter (prettier, thinner, better parents, _______ [you fill in the blank]).

Peace, I’ve found, doesn’t come from being better at anything, or even figuring anything out.

Attaining peace is a practice that we need to cultivate and commit to, regardless of what's going on around you. Peace in today's times will never just fall in our laps – it’s too chaotic and fractured a world. We have to carve out space within ourselves and in our lives and everyday behaviors to bring forward the experience of peace, then do the work to expand peace as a feeling and experience that we’ll commit to daily, regardless of what’s around us.

And you don’t have to know "your purpose" to be at peace – you just have to commit to being at peace, and to building daily practices that will support that commitment. Once you can experience more peace, the answers to many of your most burning questions such as "what is life purpose?" or "what should I do with my career?" will start to become clearer.

#5: JOY

Biggest challenge: “No matter what I do, I just can't find a way to experience joy in my life or work, or build the right types of relationships that will bring me joy .”

For many people who feel they have no joy in their lives, "joy" isn't the real problem. It's the process of how they're living that's getting in the way of their joy.

When they start stepping up to believing in their own worth, value and importance, when they begin to love and accept themselves more fully, then things start to transform. When they take brave action that helps them recognize their own great potential and pursue it, joy becomes more accessible.

I have seen that we simply cannot experience joy on a regular basis if the work we do pains us or if the relationships we've formed don't support us. After all, the nature of the context in which we live – and the ecosystems we've chosen to participate in – will directly impact our well-being, health and joy.

So if you’re stuck in situations (at work or at home) that are painful for you, with people who don't respect you, and you're continually supporting outcomes and behaviors that feel wrong to you, then your life as a whole can’t help but be joyless.

Joy comes from the process of becoming more of who you already are, not suppressing it. Discover that and honor it, and you'll be on your way to a more joyful, fulfilling life.

To experience more joy, it's important to understand your own authentic action style (here's more about that) and to recognize the key factors that 1) motivate you to pursue a certain goal and 2) the key behavioral style you prefer to take to achieve those goals. (Here's my quiz to help with that.) Once we know our styles and find work and relationships that respect those styles, joy flows more easily.

#6: BALANCE

Biggest challenge: “I can't find a way to balance my work with my personal life or juggle what I want to do with what I have to do."

I’ve researched work-life balance extensively, and believe that it’s doable only under one condition: that you understand clearly what your top life priorities are, and you defend and honor those priorities fiercely, every minute of the day. It takes understanding your non-negotiables (what you won’t compromise on, what you won’t say “yes” to), and then living from that knowledge, and making the right decisions that align with your top life priorities. If you can’t do that, you can’t create or sustain balance.

#7: FULFILLMENT

Biggest challenge: “I don't feel fulfilled in what I'm doing, but I don't think I have a choice about what to do about it."

One definition of fulfillment that I find helpful is this: “Satisfaction or happiness as a result of fully developing one’s abilities or character.” 

We simply can’t experience fulfillment if we’re not living up to our own authentic values or aligning our behavior with what we know to be good and true. Have you ever settled for something much less than you know you want or deserve? It hurts – a lot.

But to live in alignment with what we value, we have to leave our comfort zones behind, and perhaps even leave behind the definition we’ve crafted of who we think we are (even what we think our "authentic" self is), and the stories we tell ourselves about what we’re capable of, so that we can become the person we dream to be. We may also need to leave some people and relationships behind (the ones that don’t support us to soar higher and grow because it threatens them).

Fulfillment is possible when you are filling up your cup, honoring your own values, beliefs and potential, not forsaking yourself by putting everyone else in front of you. Fulfillment comes when you take brave actions that say “yes” to the future vision of you, even well before it’s “hatched.”

#8: CONFIDENCE

Biggest challenge: “My confidence has been rocked and I feel so insecure and unsure about my abilities. I don't think I have anything important to offer anymore."

I’ve seen that we humans only see what’s at the tip of our noses. When we’re in situations that are hurtful, demeaning, challenging and worse, we lose confidence and our self-esteem is often damaged. We get rocked and we stay rocked. We forget who we are, and what we are capable of, and see only the boss in front of us who’s yelling or the colleague or family member who’s tearing us down.

Here's more about how the past can be traumatizing for many of us, and how we often allow those past experiences to continue to shape us:

Sadly, many millions of people around the world have been raised and culturally and societally trained in ways that degrade their sense of self-confidence. We're often taught that it's not advisable to think for ourselves, and we shouldn't follow our own path if it conflicts with the values of our "tribe." In short, we're taught not to believe that we can govern our own lives well if we don't listen to our authority figures, family members, teachers and others around us. Parental and societal training that keeps us stuck living someone else's life is extremely damaging and severely limits our potential and our happiness.

Confidence comes from doing the hard things that make you say "If I can do that, I can do anything!" And confidence is built from actions that acknowledge who we really are, and not shying away from it.

* * * * * * * *

As we're seeing today through the pandemic, the reality is that it's a tough world out there, with many challenges we were simply not prepared to face. But throughout those challenges, there are countless ways we can build our strength, confidence and joy, and expand our abilities. Despite the challenges, we can foster our self-esteem and ignite our passions for life and work. We have within us the ability to build the lives we dream of.

What one thing do you want more of in your life, and what one brave microstep can you take this week to experience it?

Kathy Caprino is a career and leadership coach, speaker, host of the Finding Brave podcast, and the author of the new book The Most Powerful You: 7 Bravery-Boosting Paths to Career Bliss. She helps professional women build their best careers through her Career & Leadership Breakthrough programs and resources.

To learn more about yourself and your professional journey, and your ultimate professional values, needs and wants, download Kathy's free Career Path Self-Assessment here.