Top 6 lessons I’ve learnt from the (approximate) halfway mark of life.

I’ve officially been alive for 35 years 364 days. Tomorrow I turn 36. Or as my dad says: halfway to 72. Thinking of it like this makes me realise that if the first 36 years have gone so fast, 70 ain’t that far away... I’m officially entering the homestretch.

I’ve got at least 35 years + a bit more to go (hopefully) til my physical contribution to life on planet earth is over. Any contribution after that point will be based on the aftermath of my life. My legacy.

And so on the cusp of turning 36, I stop to ponder. I sat in a cemetery, looking at the rows of tombstones. Each person lying UNDERGROUD had at sometime spent time ABOVE GROUND. They had the potential to impact lives while alive, and from the looks of fresh flowers, clearly after their death. I’m on the homestretch... what is my impact? What am I grateful for?

A failure is only a failure if you don’t learn the lesson. If you’ve learnt the lesson, then you’ve won. You’re life is richer and you’re in a better place than if you didn’t fail. Reflecting on the many mistakes I’ve made in life, here are my top 6 things for each year I’ve been in my thirties that I am grateful for.

6 lessons I’ve learnt from failing.

1. My parents are superheroes without capes. I got 50% of my DNA from one, and 50% from the other. Let’s be real, parents generally are not perfect in their approach to parenting. Hindsight is a powerful too. Being the oldest - I’ve generally been the experiment, guinea pig child - both for them, and myself too. My sister recently told me how grateful she is to be the youngest: I’ve made so many mistakes she gets to benefit from the lessons. While mom and dad may not have got everything right, they got most of it right. I’m not perfect, but I’m also not an emotional unstable, controlling, manipulative, self-centred nuisance to society. My folks have always been there for the wins. But more importantly they’ve been my constant in the valleys when I have had no one cheering for me, when I’ve been rejected and abandoned, when I’ve been lied to and cheated on, when I’ve been left out, when I’ve felt forgotten, when I’ve been the victim of racially-motivated hate crimes, when I’ve questioned my own worth and decisions, when I’ve had to hold onto my values against the tide, when I’ve been the hardest person to be around. Biased towards me in being there, but unbiased in their questioning: making sure I’m not being judgemental of others and keeping me accountable for my own behaviours. Being a parent is a lifelong commitment, and truthfully looking at my own life, it’s a tough gig. But they’ve always been there for me. Visiting a funeral recently and starting to look at grave plots for the best view for them (not that they’ll see a lot from down there) made me realise they won’t always be around. If I’m on the homestretch now, how much closer are my parents to the end line? I have tried to imagine my world without them: without my biggest fans, my toughest critics, and my most strongest believers. I am who I am because of them.
2. Life happens as it happens. It does not usually follow a script. More importantly it should NOT follow a script: there’s no room for growth and creativity if you walk the same path as everyone else, and wear the exact same outfit. Fighting the process to fit into societal expectations, cultural expectations, my own expectations is counterproductive. It has led to fear, confusion and decision paralysis. BUT I am grateful that while I’ve made some mistakes in this area, when it really counted - the big decisions make-or-break decisions like choosing a life partner or walking away from an unhealthy friendship or holding fast to my ethics and values - I’ve been able to chart my own path and hold my own. Looking at case-studies around me reaffirms my strong belief that I’d rather be alone with myself than lonely in a crowd or abusive relationship. Fitting in for the sake of the status quo is one of the most dangerous, self-destructive things one could ever do. 
3. I need to get to know me in order to know me. Like really getting to know me. Understanding why I think the way I think. Why I do what I do. What motivates me. Fear, failure, conformity, expectations, self-held beliefs? Where do these motivations come from? Understanding me has been one of the most liberating modes of self-discovery. It goes beyond the surface outcomes of personality tests to delving deeper into who I actually am. What makes me tick. You’d think one would know their own self, considering we live with ourselves. However truth is as kids we’re told ideal grades, ideal subjects, ideal career options, ideal fashion choices, ideal conformity-behaviours to fit in for the sake of fitting in, and not being true to ourselves. We grow up with ideal expectations imposed on us either directly or indirectly. Questioning my motivations and finding out what does Anneline want/need and why has been insightful. Emotions make us human. Emotions can also move us (motion) from a place of calm and rational thinking to a place of fear/anger/hurt and irrational thinking. Being aware of my emotions and how they affect my thought processes and ultimately actions is essential to get ahead in life. I’m starting to become my own best friend. Finally.
4. Investing in growth and development is more than career related courses and structured education. It is taking time to see a psychologist to gain perspective, travelling alone to any where, taking ownership for my independence and investing in me being a more well-rounded person, being open to unfamiliar opportunities, picking and making my own tribe. It’s about finding what my brand actually is. It’s all about quality over quantity. It’s about working out what do I want to invest in in order to get the most out of the life I have. If I wait til I get to the end of this life to reflect on impact I can have, lives that have touched me, lives that I could have touched, opportunities I could’ve had, and experiences I could’ve collected, it’s too late. I’ll never fully appreciate the moment or utilise my time for a greater purpose that brings value to my life and those around me. It’s easy to hoard material objects, collect accolades, and stockpile achievements. But what about investing in personal growth that makes me a better human, and more well-rounded person, and a kinder soul?
5. Real Love trumps Fear any day, everyday. From love and fear come everything: acceptance, respect, honour, truth, lies, deception, hate, hurt, rejection, sorrow, anger. Strangely to love completely and honestly requires you being open to being rejected. To be open to your deepest fears. Fear can be powerfully debilitating. But if you truly want to love freely, your deepest fears will have no hold over you. How much I love is actually an indicator of how fearful I am.
6. Times of waiting is the best part of life. Usually I’m so fixated on the end outcome, that I never truly enjoy the journey. And because I don’t appreciate how hard the journey can be sometimes, I never fully appreciate and revel in the end outcome when I finally arrive/attain/get what I was after. How sad. To work hard for something, achieve it, and then dismiss it. Waiting is such an integral part of life. Someone is waiting for lunch break to start, waiting for a bus, waiting to finish their degree, waiting for the outcome of a job application, waiting to hear from the bank on their loan application, waiting to meet their special someone, waiting to fall pregnant, waiting to meet their baby they are pregnant with, waiting on a medical report, waiting to die, waiting on the outcome of a will. Waiting. We spend more time in the waiting phases than in the achieving phases. A lack of appreciating for the waiting phases can lead to poor decision making and rash moves. Short term instant gratification can lead to long-term life-impacting destruction. Waiting is actually a time to work decisions out, time to work me out, time to work out what I will do after I achieve what I am focused on and time to deal with any fears and prejudices I may have. Waiting is actually quite an active time. Waiting ain’t all that bad after-all. 

There’s real pearls of wisdom in life’s lessons.